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| Poem, written to vent, or both? |
| Poem, of course |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| A barely dressed up rant. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Both |
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100% |
[ 2 ] |
| Have you had you meds yet? |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 2 |
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 Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 2:39 pm
8 Years
2990 days, although by no means all spent together,
but still.
Enough time, one might think, to piece together
how a person thinks.
But, no.
The desire to simplify negates this, reducing a string of failures
down to a boy's love for his toy.
[The wounded man's experience with war, pain,and terror reduced
to fit into a ten second sound bite.]
The man, baffled, decides that truth is a small price to pay for another's ease.
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Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 2:50 pm
Okay, here's an example of the kind of thing I say isn't a poem, although it could be with some work. This was written during a highly emotional moment, but only minimal effort was really used. This is part rant, part poem...and that's being kind. Suggestions? Questions?
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Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:07 pm
I mostly agree with your conclusion- really not a poem yet, but I certainly wouldn't call it a rant. I know that in the journal/notebook I use to write, there are a great number of poems or at least parts of poems that start out just like this, more in note/raw form than anything I'd be satisfied with as a final version. Maybe it's just because I don't like the word rant, too negatively associated with people that ramble without a point or purpose just for the sake of hearing themselves speak.
Anywho, I like that 68 days are left unaccounted for- speaks to me that the number isn't simply the number of days within 8 years. Given your personal response to this, I'm far more curious what you would do to refine it than throwing suggestions out in the dark when the premise is already so emotionally charged.
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Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:42 pm
Hrm. I know what you mean by part rant part poem. When I read it, I suddenly had bursts of ideas for a poem(s)
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Posted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:40 am
Honestly, Wolf, I'm not sure what I want to do with it. The soldier's aside could be removed, or rewritten as...no, that would be far too presumptuous of the character or the writer to make such a comparison.
I could rearrange the line breaks, make it look more like a poem, and that would change some of its emphasis, as well, I think.
I could go for more specifics, but I think I rather like it a little on the vague side.
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Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 1:49 am
Keeping it vague is completely fine, but you can add more to the vague without getting specific- add angles, add hints of emotions, add emphasis to the frustration. The bite of the coupled two-word lines gives it that stop-and-go that already leans toward high anticipation, although that disappears in the longer lines afterward. Perhaps pursue the style of the first 5 lines?
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Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:12 pm
Give me a couple days...I'll see what I can do.
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