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 Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:53 pm
(this poem is short razz lol)
the artist inside
isn't on the outside
she escapes into her little world
and tries so hard to hide
she paints her pictures
she draws her lines
hoping no one can see
the girl behind the art
the one who cries
whose heart is torn apart
so there this artist hides
behind her transparent paintings
that tell the truth behind her lies
_imPeRFecTionSt_
(!jaz the spaz!)
((tell me what you think!!))
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Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:56 pm
The rhyme scheme is off, and it doesn't flow well... The first four lines seem to establish an intended meter, but the next four don't rhyme, and have a fifth line that holds the expected rhyme instead. The last three lines seem to be trying to rhyme with the last line of the middle four, but... I don't know. It's very mixed up, to me.
Large words like transparent don't work well in small lines, where every beat counts.
I did like the overall concept, and the repetition in she paints her pictures/she draws her lines. That felt like it was really going somewhere...
Oh! Idea! Replace the girl behind the art/the one who cries with the crying girl behind. It might make it flow, and rhyme, better, if the near-rhymes are okay by you.
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Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 7:22 pm
thanks for you critique! honestly I don't like to rhyme, because i'm not very good at it. it wasn't my intention to rhyme, it honestly came out that way and i refused to change it lol. thanks for your suggestions!....i mayyyy make some changes.
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:27 pm
It's a great start. But to me it somehow feels foreign. Like it your heart wasn't completely in it. I think its wonderful don't get wrong. It has a weird flow to it, but its different, and I enjoyed it. Hope to see more of your writing, keep up the good work ^.^
Sincerely from a fellow writer,
Magically Imaginary
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