Welcome to Gaia! ::

Shryiz: A Writer's Guild

Back to Guilds

A guild where you can post stories, poems, role play or just chat! 

Tags: Writing, Role Play, Stories, Poems, Fiction 

Reply The Library (Poetry Wing)
One More Fight

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Raikouken Kiri

3,850 Points
  • Money Never Sleeps 200
  • Risky Lifestyle 100
  • Dressed Up 200
PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:46 pm


I see your eyes,
like light to flies,
take your flight,
from this fight,

it's just once more,
one more time,
excitement from every pore,
one more fight,

this is it,
the only one fit,
to be my enemy,
a kick in the kidney,

one more fight.

((be gentle))
PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:40 am


Hmmm....
like light to flies...I'm guessing you were going for something like "like flame to moths" that would rhyme, but it doesn't scan well. Personally, at least, it becomes a mental speed bump; then again, I'm a biology teacher's kid. My background rises up and goes, "What? But flies don't care about light...not like moths...is that even what he was going for ?"

Your middle stanza changes rhyme scheme, and breaks the flow by trying to squeeze in "excitement" into a line with more to say. Your lines are themselves only three to four beats, a three beat word is a whole line unto itself.

Using it's just once more makes the speaker sound like an addict, a fight/violence addict. Adding the only one fit reinforces that impression. If that is not your goal, you may want rethink those lines.

While in the first stanza, you urge the other person to flee, you later sound like you're enjoying it. Because of the above addict impression, this actually makes a kind of sense; but, if you change the lines, and, therefore, the impression, it will lose that sense, and leave the reader confused.

Not knowing your goal, I cannot say how well you accomplished it. What I got was an addict succumbing to his addiction one more time. that and now Phil Collins' "One More Night" playing in my head.

nbetweener

Aged Dabbler


Magically Imaginary

PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:33 pm


Hm.. Well I'm not a big fan of this piece. Its well written has good thought put into it. It seems a bit lacking. Maybe you should add a few more verses. The flow seems a but off as well, with some more thought and creativity and some rewording, you have yourself a great poem. I hope to see more of your work ^.^

Sincerely from a fellow writer,
Magically Imaginary
Reply
The Library (Poetry Wing)

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum