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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 8:46 pm
I see your eyes, like light to flies, take your flight, from this fight,
it's just once more, one more time, excitement from every pore, one more fight,
this is it, the only one fit, to be my enemy, a kick in the kidney,
one more fight.
((be gentle))
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Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:40 am
Hmmm.... like light to flies...I'm guessing you were going for something like "like flame to moths" that would rhyme, but it doesn't scan well. Personally, at least, it becomes a mental speed bump; then again, I'm a biology teacher's kid. My background rises up and goes, "What? But flies don't care about light...not like moths...is that even what he was going for ?"
Your middle stanza changes rhyme scheme, and breaks the flow by trying to squeeze in "excitement" into a line with more to say. Your lines are themselves only three to four beats, a three beat word is a whole line unto itself.
Using it's just once more makes the speaker sound like an addict, a fight/violence addict. Adding the only one fit reinforces that impression. If that is not your goal, you may want rethink those lines.
While in the first stanza, you urge the other person to flee, you later sound like you're enjoying it. Because of the above addict impression, this actually makes a kind of sense; but, if you change the lines, and, therefore, the impression, it will lose that sense, and leave the reader confused.
Not knowing your goal, I cannot say how well you accomplished it. What I got was an addict succumbing to his addiction one more time. that and now Phil Collins' "One More Night" playing in my head.
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:33 pm
Hm.. Well I'm not a big fan of this piece. Its well written has good thought put into it. It seems a bit lacking. Maybe you should add a few more verses. The flow seems a but off as well, with some more thought and creativity and some rewording, you have yourself a great poem. I hope to see more of your work ^.^
Sincerely from a fellow writer, Magically Imaginary
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