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 Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:14 pm
Amber was in gym class doing a very odd exercise routine with a set complicated of stepping hopping and arm motions when she made a mistake that would change her life. Some one seemed to have called her name about halfway through the exercise she spun around.
Suddenly a huge hole opened up in front of her. It was as if the world around her was made of fabric and someone had torn a gaping hole where a tree should be.
“Oh my god,” she whispered, when a gust of wind rival to that of a hurricane blew her through it. She screamed. In her own world no one heard her.
The other world had seven moons three of them visible even during the day. Everything was lush and green. Amber walked around for awhile until she came to the top of a large hill. There, she gasped at the sight of a palace on top of a mountain looking beautiful in the misty sunrise.
“Wow, “she said, “It’s beautiful.”
"Yes, it is" said a voice
Startled Amber whirled around and saw a boy with short blond hair and light blue eyes. He was wearing an odd robe that was white with blue trim that sparkled like it contained the ocean itself. He seemed about her age and was holding a staff of a material that resembled gold and the top of it was some sort of symbol with a round blue orb inside it.
"Hello," said Amber, "My name's Amber, what's yours?"
"My name is Akira"he said"nice to meet you"
"What's this place called?" she asked
"Souka." Akira replied "You aren't from here are you?"
There's more I haven't typed yet. About 15 pages (hand written) more.
All of the story will be in dark red and notes will be black.
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 5:14 pm
There's some good stuff in the beginning of this story. I like the description of the robes, and the 'misty sunrise' and surrounding landscape. The idea of having multiple moons also immediately gives us a sense of otherworldliness - you probably don't even need to say that it's another world because of those kind of good details.
The trouble is that the transition from Amber's school to this other world is far too sudden. The reader knows more about Akira than Amber, yet she seems to be the main character; we've no idea how old she is, whether strange things have happened to her before, or even what her character is like. You could do with telling/showing us a bit about her life before we're thrust into the plot. I'd also expect Amber to be more shocked about being in a new place - though it could be part of her character that she immediately sees beauty in things, or takes things in her stride, I'd still expect more of a reaction from her and Akira.
Keep writing and developing your story - it takes ages to get these things right (I've been working on my long projects for years, and I'm still not completely happy with them!). I'd like to see where this goes. smile
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:32 pm
"No, I'm from California."
"California? Hmm.." he said,"never heard of it."
"Anyway," he continued,"Let's get you inside" Akira raised his staff and there was a brilliant flash of light. Suddenly they were in the palace.
"Here is a robe for you.You'll fit in better with it."
Amber's robe was a clone of Akira's except her trim was red and danced in the light like fire.
"I'll show you to a room where you can stay." Akira said,"Come here, Monako!"
Something that lookeed like a chihuahua with an orb implanted on it's forehead came running toward them.
"This is my dog, Monako," he explained,"she will take care of you while you are here."
That is exactly what my mom said when I showed it to her.
I actually started this story in fifth grade,but forgot about it.
16 more hand written pages to type. I don't like typing that much.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 1:25 pm
Oh, I'd thought I reviewed, but apparently I didn't! XD
Char said pretty much what I wanted to, but here's my take on it anyway.
Imagine, for a moment, that you've sat in a theater to watch a movie called 'Amber'. Imagine, will you, that the film starts with this:
A girl is in a gym, doing... something. Suddenly, a hole appears, someone yells 'AMBER', and she falls in. You get a pan over a place with seven weird moons and she starts walking around.
Now, I'm not so sure about this movie. Where is the introduction? Think of it like this: you need a place for credits. En Media Res is fine and all, but not if you aren't going to scale back and introduce your audience to your protagonist. As you've got now, I don't know a thing about the protagonist, and the story is already in full swing. It's in the middle of a rise without the part of the story that leads to the rise.
So, slow down. Take a breather and think about waltzing through Amber's credits before you jump right in. (I'm thinking a monologue that could be rather funny!)
Also, don't forget the comma after dialogue that connects to a 'he said/she said'. '"Yes, it is" said a voice' should be '"Yes, it is," said a voice.'
Edit: Oh, forgot to say: If the same character speaks twice, it looks like this:
"Never heard of it.
"Anyway," he continued...
(I personally think this would look better as the same paragraph, but like you said, you wrote this a while ago. ^^)
Good luck! All it takes is time and practice!
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Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 5:55 pm
I need to see more to decide if I like the storyline or not, but what I can tell right now is what's been mentioned above. Also, we don't know what Amber is feeling. Is she scared? confused? Does she want to go back home immediately, or does some inner curiousity want to explore this world?
Always remember, details are your friends. Much as I love to imagine things when I read, there's only so much I can infer. Just keep working it, massaging it, and it could turn out really well.
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Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:37 pm
I really like the story youe have typed so far. It seems like it will be an awesome story. You did fairly well describing alot of things and I really like the character Akira; he seems very interesting. I can't wait for more of your story!
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Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 5:32 am
Serenity Reed (I personally think this would look better as the same paragraph, but like you said, you wrote this a while ago. ^^) Well...honestly, it wasn't that long ago. I'm 11 and I'm only going to be graduating 6th grade this month... Sorry I'm not posting the story. I forgot where I put it and don't have it all typed out...
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Posted: Sat May 08, 2010 7:05 am
Wow! You're much younger than I'd pegged you. =)
It's just a matter of practice; I for one know I'd rather burn my work from around age ten, because it was far, far worse. XD
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Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 2:04 pm
The writing could use some polishing. The first sentence is a bit of a run on. I like the idea, but I agree that the transition from real world to big gaping hole was too abrupt. It left me a little confused. Build up a little bit of background of your character for us to work with. Not too much, just a little.
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:53 pm
Sadly, I don't think I will finish this story. Both the plot bunny and the quality of it died slowly and painfully while I wasn't looking. For a short while it sounds like something out of a very boring children's book.
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:33 pm
I've scrapped a lot of ideas in my day--but don't give up, all right? It takes time to get better, and, well, you're a lot better than I was at your age! sweatdrop heart
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Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:42 pm
Oh my, you are a youngin'. Don't worry though, we all gotta start somewhere. This is probably better than what I wrote (I wrote about a super hero dragon/dinosaur thing fighting other evil dinosaurs. I was...strange to say the least).
You're doing very well though for your age. I think something good to do thoug is place yourself in the character while writing, empathsize with what the character is going through. After all, what would a person who's going through this feel like? Probably very disorientated.
Don't worry, by the the time you're an old fart like me you'll be awesome with all the practice.
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