It seemed like a long time ago now, but it wasn't beyond memory. The first night that Sue spent at Barren Pines, he hadn't been able to sleep well. Not that that was unusual by any means; in a new city, away from all his family, trying to live up to a label of being gifted for what was a talent ultimately deemed inconsequential by others. Sheer nerves would had kept anyone in his shoes awake late into the night.

He did sleep eventually, though; but it was a disturbed and broken rest. There were dreams that night, ones that he could not escape even by opening his eyes; and when he awakened like this, pursued by terrifying visions that made no sense, he found himself unable to move. And it was when he was in this vulnerable position that his eyes seemed to fill with a bright light; unable to move, unable to speak even to scream, a sudden agony lanced through his body. His chest felt as though it were on fire, like a hot knife was digging in toward his heart. Sue thought that the pain had lasted hours - and when it ended, he finally slept, exhausted.

The following day, Sue had reported immediately to the school nurse. She had explained night terrors to him, promised that the so-called "visions" he'd suffered the night before were nothing to be afraid of. After telling her about the chest pains, though, she'd ordered up a litany of tests; they'd stuck a needle in his arm to test his blood, took a urine sample for drugs (it was procedure, they assured him), strapped a monitor to his chest for a couple hours, everything. But every test came back clean; so, the nurse simply told him not to drink any caffeine before bed, maybe start an exercise program, and to come back if any more symptoms presented.

None ever did. A few weeks later, he'd forgotten about the incident altogether. The only odd thing was one that he didn't notice until much later: His eyes had inexplicably turned blue.

***

With one hand, Sue cracked open his third can of Mountain Dew for the night and slugged it back like a shot of whiskey. Twelve fluid ounces more of caffeine-laced ambrosia; a bit more energy to carry him through the night. When the can was emptied to the final drop, Sue tossed it toward the back corner of his room, belched into his sleeve, and resumed with placing his hands on the knees of his crossed legs, inhaling deeply, and concentrating.

Sue didn't think of what he was doing as meditation - and he was damned sure that the surrounding walls of soda cases and 7-11 snacks would frighten off any yoga guru that might correct him - but it was much to the same effect, in the end. Clearing his thoughts, focusing his mind, and preparing himself mentally for the task ahead.

It was like reaching for henshin pens, or trying to find connections between old faces; probing thoughts toward that place of resistance in his mind. Sometimes it was difficult to find, but today, Sue reached it almost immediately. Old memories were here, covered by turbulent emotions like a shroud; this was the place he reached toward whenever he tried to remember something, and always, always, was forced back by unpleasantness. Whatever piece of him that was from his past life, that refused to integrate itself with his conscious half, was here.

He'd always take the easy path and call it Zue, forgetting that he was also Zue. But that always made him seem weaker, like a stranger in his own mind. He wasn't here to ask permission; he was here to assert himself. So this was the Zue of the Silver Millennium; and he was, despite his human attachments, the Zue of the now. And whatever Millennium Zue had, he asserted as he reached for those memories, so should he!

And the moment he'd made the mental grab, though, he felt a response from that place in his mind which did not want him. It was a surge of panic through his body, a horror that flowed over his defenses, flashes of memories he could neither recall, nor wanted to remember --

Sue broke into a gasp, eyes opening, and then began swearing. Round one: Millennium Zue. <******** a*****e, Sure grumbled, grabbing for a stick of jerky to chew on as he mulled over the problem.

It was like this every time he tried to force contact with those old memories. Millennium Zue seemed to just throw the worst of what was in there at him - maybe that was the b*****d's way of taunting him, asking him if he really wanted a part of what was there. But what other approach did Sue have?

And of course, all he could think of was Elke and her stupid giving birth analogy. Because that was TOTALLY what Sue needed to have in his head at a time like this, really.

Frowning, Sue sorted out his thoughts. Elke had told him that if he tried too hard, it wouldn't work. Like it was something that was supposed to come naturally. But he'd already tried that, didn't she get it? He'd sat around on his a** for too long, thinking he just needed to give things time to settle in! He couldn't keep not knowing; not remembering. There were lives counting on him. Lives that had counted on him. He still couldn't remember Sagittarius, not even an inkling....

All right, that's enough of that. Sitting around and thinking about what he was about to do? That wasn't helpful, and it wasn't his style. It was time to stop making excuses, and start moving in.

Sue refocused. It was trickier to find his way to that place now than before - lingering doubts and anxieties held him back, confusing his path - but soon enough, his mind was floating through those thoughts most familiar to Zue, bordering on the edge of Millennium Zue. There were to be no excuses this time; if he was meant for this role, if he was truly supposed to bear Zue's soul in him, then that meant he could handle whatever Millennium Zue had. Time to breath deep, dig in his heels, and plow right in--

The response was as immediate and overwhelming as ever. It was a brick wall separating him from his alter ego; each brick another terrible thought, twisted emotion, horrifying scene. Zodiacs that lived and died in battle, and the Chaos monsters that they fought -- the emptiness of space away from the planets, the dull ache when separated from the only one you pledged your life to. Every bit of negativity that Millennium Zue had ever known, it seemed, was packed into this barrier right here - but Sue was not going to back away this time. He let it roll off his back, accepting without examining, and continued to push onward with the single thought, I am Zue, so let me in--!

Something cracked.

Good, the thus-asserted Zue thought - I must be getting somewhere.

Something continued to crack.

Zue began to wonder if he'd pushed too hard. And when the cracking did not stop - cracking inside his head, the proverbial supports of his mental ******** infrastructure - he was damned sure of it.

As memories crumbled around him, mixing emotions and wreaking havoc within his mind's eye, Zue had a brief moment to appreciate how very poorly he had thought through the consequences of this action. How he had failed to consider that this barrier wasn't up just because Millennium Zue was an a*****e, but because it might have been some possible support for some baggage he didn't know about. And in the end, how very little he knew about his counterpart, even now, and how little trust he seemed to have for what he didn't know.

Then everything in his head came crashing down, and for a time, that was that.

Sue woke up again - groggy, head aching, collapsed in a pile of junk food and discarded soda cans. He could not remember, for a brief moment, where he had gone to sleep. It took him a ridiculously long period of time, in fact, to sort out that he was on Earth at all - though by the time he recalled that, he'd forgotten what that other place he'd thought he was had been.

"Mmph." Rubbing at his face, Sue rolled to his hands and knees, and from there, to his feet. It was morning out - morning? He'd lost the entire night, then? What had he been doing....

Eventually, he'd figure out that there seemed to be a tail sticking out of his pants and do something about it. And once he did, Sue would probably spend a while panicking about how he had apparently managed to henshin in his sleep, and spent the whole night in his most vulnerable form without even realizing it. Sometime around then, though, Sue would also realize that he was more than an hour late for school, and that would dominate the rest of the morning. And if he was lucky, he would be able to get by consequences-free until at least dinner time.

Sue was rarely ever so lucky, though....