Name: Albrecht Arnim
Age: 19
Birthday: March 23rd
Sign: Aries
Blood Type: A+
Fav. Food: Absolutely terrible snack food and things packed with caffeine.
Hated Food: Anything grilled in open air. Anything that is meant to be eaten raw. Anything pickled, curdled, or left buried underground for any number of years.
Family: Father: Wallace Mother: JoAnn Sisters: Wendla, Gerry Brother: Alexius
Hobbies:
Labelling, Listing, and Organizing: Everything has its place. Muggles have their place, mudbloods have their place, and So. Do. Your. Clothes. Your pants do not belong on the floor, your backpack does not belong in the aisle, and God help you if you think for one minute that your trash belongs anywhere other than an appropriate waste bin to be determined by recyclability and/or decomposability. Albrecht's world is an organized one, and he knows exactly where everything goes. So should you. Albrecht understands that you are not as intelligent as he is, but one does not need an IQ that cannot be accurately measured by currently existing tests to know that plastic is recyclable.
There are some in the scientific community that claim that the entire Universe is chaos and that there is no order, rhyme, or reason. Albrecht believes these individuals are clearly limited by their own stupidity and thus cannot comprehend the possibility necessity of a tidy, labeled, and alphanumerically organized world in which pencils are organized by length and food by fiber content. Albrecht maintains that everything from the Plague to the Holocaust could have been prevented if people just kept things in order. He would be more than happy to explain the logic behind this belief, but you aren't capable of following it and thus would only be wasting his time. He should not have to explain why he is right, you should really just take his word for it.
No, really. Take his word for it.
King of the Nerds: Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Deep Space Nine, Chess, Lord of the Rings, the list goes on and on and on. Albrecht speaks not only a variety of human languages, but also Klingon, Quenya and Sindarin (Tolkie's elvish languages, duh) and is currently learning Na'vi. He has a collection of mint comic books and action figures purchased at a young age purely for future economic leverage. Whereas most boys have nightmares of being chased by masked murderers, Albrecht wakes up in a cold sweat over the idea of someone dog-earing the pages of his mint condition comic in which Captain America makes his first appearance.
To fill the gap left by his lifelong lack of social interaction, Albrecht has embraced all of those typical things you would expect somebody named Albrecht to embrace. He couldn't tell you who won the first season of American Idol or who sings “Umbrella”, but he can tell you the exact date that Firefly was announced as being cancelled and the name of every person who sat on Fox Broadcasting Corporation's Board of Directors at the time.
He can tell you this because he has those individuals on a hit list which he carries in his shirt pocket at all times.
All of his shirts have pockets for this exact reason.
No, Fox. He will never forgive you. Ten seasons of American Idol and you cancel Firefly? If Albrecht believed in a God, he would consider this an unholy sin against Him.
Generally Being Smarter Than You: Need Albrecht say more? Oh, well, clearly he does because he's talking to you. Albrecht is a wunderkind. He is a genius. He is well aware of this and does not think that it needs to be spoken of. It should just be accepted that he is more intelligent than you, and that this intelligence can make up for any flaws he may possess including but not limited to:
-Slightly crooked teeth
-Being tall and skinny to the point of being a viable alternative for a Maypole
-Being unable to talk about sex without calling it 'intercourse' and looking at it purely as an act of reproduction.
-Inability to attend a party without being 'that guy'
-Inability to understand why anybody would ever want to attend such parties when there are so many errors to be corrected and Wikipedia. Albrecht can't go to sleep. Somebody is wrong on the internet.
Taking You Literally: Sarcasm, Humor, and Social Conventions escape Albrecht. He doesn't understand why people shake hands when physical contact increases the spread of infection diseases and if you tell him a joke he will likely respond with an expression that should appear on Urban Dictionary under the header of “Does Not Get It” and then point out all of the problems with your previous statement.
This makes Albrecht King of the Buzzkills.
Snacks: It Albrecht doesn't have a pack of Twizzlers or a box of Grasshopper cookies in his hand, chances are he's sleeping. If he isn't sleeping, he is probably searching for a snack. If you want Albrecht to do anything at all, you should come prepared with a snack in hand. Without it, Albrecht is fairly useless. He will be too preoccupied complaining about his lack of snack and grilling you on why you don't happen to have an Emergency Ho-ho in your pocket.
You are useless.
Gemstone: Aquamarine, though he would never, ever, ever wear any kind of birthstone because he finds the idea of matching colored rocks to specific years absolutely pointless. The same applies to matching animals, elements, planets, or anything else to the time of your birth. In fact, if you are one of those people who thinks that the position of planets during the time of your birth has any impact whatsoever on your personality, Albrecht will immediately dismiss you as part of the evolutionary chain that still hasn't learned to walk upright.
He will express this by handing you a banana and chuckling quietly when you don't understand why.
Virtues:
It Is What It Is: This virtue manifests in a few different ways, each of which contribute to making Albrecht a very even-keel, stable individual. He is able to provide a voice of reason when others might be overwhelmed by emotion. This is not to say that Albrecht is emotionless. Not by a long shot. However, he is excellent at rationalizing his feelings away. Albrecht is a creature of logic. While he pretty much always thinks he's right (after all, he normally doesn't form strong opinions without first acquiring a foundation of solid scientific evidence) if you can give him a sound argument proving otherwise, chances are he'll listen. He takes the world at face value and does not depend on religion, luck, fate or any other intangibles to turn things in his direction. This comes in handy because once Albrecht gets started on something, shaking him loose is like trying to pry a police canine off of a pound of heroin.
Albrecht also does not ask the questions, “How could this happen?” or “Why would God do this?” whenever the world rears its ugly head. Children dying in Africa are statistics, cancer patients are genetic mutations, and young children getting killed by drunk drivers are a victim of wrong place, wrong time. The world is not a fair place, and natural selection is not a fair process. Albrecht does not see any need to try and find further explanation for things that are explained by science and reason, no matter how horrific they might be.
Lincoln Ain't Got Nothin' On Me: Albrecht does not lie. He sees no point in it, and is terrible at it besides. His face twitches, his palms get all sweaty, and he usually ends up walking away awkwardly to avoid further scrutiny. His honesty is not a product of a moral code so much as he just doesn't understand the necessity of lying. He's intelligent enough to rarely ever need to lie his way out of trouble, and lacks the compassion to lie in order to preserve someone's feelings.
Albrecht requires a written contract before he will agree to keep a secret that may require him to lie.
Vanquisher of Rubik's Cubes: Albrecht is a genius. Within ten minutes of meeting him, he will have made sure that you are aware of this.
He graduated high school at the age of eleven, college at thirteen and a half, and had his PhD in Biochemistry by the time he was seventeen. Albrecht's intelligence is very science-specific. He picks up easily on patterns, relationships, and can remember large quantities of information. Due to this gift, he excels in the traditional “boy subjects” of math and science while lacking in the areas of art and literature.
Flaws
Social Leprosy (weakness): Albrecht uses the word coitus. He has the upper body strength of a Smurf (and the voice to match). He wonders why alcohol consumption is so closely tied into having a good time when he can't begin to solve complex differential equations after half of a wine cooler. He does not understand why people type “rofl” when it is clear that if they are typing, they are not actually rolling on the floor and even if they were that is extremely unhygienic and not an appropriate expression of entertainment. Albrecht does not understand how flirting works, fails to pick up on sarcasm ninety percent of the time, and generally does not understand any kind of subtle social signals. All in all, Albrecht just does not “get” people, and it takes a very patient, understanding person to deal with him.
Or someone who is willing to stuff him in a locker when he needs to shut up. Fortunately, there has been no shortage of people in his life willing to do this.
This social awkwardness stems from starting homeschooling at the age of eight and having “helicopter parents”. His mother has hovered over him since he was a child, and has doted on him in a way that made him the textbook definition of a “momma's boy”. Albrecht's parents always went out of their way to help foster Albrecht's “gift”, but rarely considered the impact it would have on his social development. Even upon entering college and being out from under their wing, Albrecht was far too young to relate to the older students. He has spent most of his life with integrals and differentials as his only playmates.
Due to this, Albrecht has has a very limited number of “friends”. This position of honor is attained by meeting all of the following requirements:
a) Also being socially awkward enough that you have to choose between tolerating his presence for more than ten minutes or spending your afternoons alone masturbating and solving the crossword puzzle with a pen
b) Being intelligent enough to occasionally provide stimulating academic debate, but always ultimately realizing that you are wrong and Albrecht is the far superior intellectual being
c) Never, ever, ever touching Albrecht. Ever
d) You have never nor will you ever be inclined to refer to him as “Al”.
This position is currently open and accepting candidates. Please submit your CV, personal profile, picture, and a cover letter to RollingLikeHawking@gmail.com
Obsessive: Albrecht has quirks. He has a lot of them. He is obsessive with them and they will frequently interfere with his attempts to make friends. Albrecht can not “just drop it.” Albrecht never, ever “lets it go.” Albrecht finds it impossible to “chill out.” If someone hits a nerve, Albrecht tends to drive his point right into the ground. If he does not get a joke, he will demand an explanation and will not stop until he gets it. If there is a problem, Albrecht will pursue it relentlessly until he is satisfied. This flaw is largely responsible for Albrecht's academic achievements, but has wreaked havoc on his personal life and has frequently caused him to ignore previous obligations while he pursues his newest obsession.
AEPP! (Arrogant, Entitled, Pushy, and Petty): Albrecht gets what Albrecht wants, and he does not understand when this is not the way of things. As a superior and clearly more evolved human being, Albrecht cannot comprehend the word “No” when spoken by those of inferior intelligence. Whether this is a “No” from his roommate about driving him to Jack In The Box for “4 for $1 Taco Night” or a “No” from National Security when requesting to pilot the Mars Rover, Albrecht does not respond well.
When Albrecht does not get what he wants, he usually finds a way. This is usually done by circumventing the original source or just being a petty jackass until someone caves and drives him to the damn Jack In The Box.
If this doesn't work, Albrecht is not above throwing a temper tantrum.
