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Angel

Holy light surrounds thy self
Protecting from all the darkness
Continuously fighting you have eternal health
Fighting against all those heartless

Epic battles sway the fields that clashes between the two lands
You are caught right in between
Relentlessly you fight with both your hands
But for whom, your Queen?

A butterfly gracefully glides from flower to flower
Each flower it has been to, has been claimed
Each flower has been in shower
With the blood of the holy and the damned

Standing up amidst the blood you've spilt
You've been chosen, to reach ascendancy
Despite the horrible scars and wounds that have been dealt
Your future is unable to be foresee

Grasping the power of light, its so immense
The blood seems to dissipate with every step
With the power of light, there is no trouble to advance
For the damned, they don't feel anything accept,

The hatred that runs deeply through there veins
Extreme rush of adrenaline and they ready to fight
You stand alone, all by yourself, ready to be slain
Only thing that drives you, is the light

Wave after wave of damned the light grows stronger
The one looks down at the progress of the fight
Shaking his head he is disappointed he can't look much longer
A silent tear falls before he can hide it out of sight

Looking down one more time he moans breathlessly,
"I'm sorry, that it has comes to this,
Please forgive me, you'll die helplessly
Death will soon give you this unforgiving kiss"

Turning away from the sight of his perfect Angel
The light fades from his pure-heartened soul
And the damned overwhelms his struggle and he is strangled
The stench is so foul

The damned run loose once more
And the Holy hide in fear
The blood of the innocent becomes a shore
Nothing is ever clear

Least not anymore

Feel free to leave any comments!!! xD Tear them apart! I'm still learning, so I need to learn from my own mistakes and what others think! TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU THINK ABOUT THEM!

I've only done the first poem so far. And I should warn you, I grew up in a house with a writer who was really harsh on all my stuff, so I've ended up a really harsh critic. Remember everything here is just a suggestion.

Firstly, I want to say that I really liked how it told a whole story from start to finish, even with a little bit of epilogue as you talk about the world after the soldier loses. Most of the things I suggest are pretty minor, and it looks like I wrote a lot but most if it is explaining why to change certain things. Anyway, let me know if you want me to keep critiquing your poems,or if you don't like the way I critique I'd totally understand.
Flow:
As I say to most people, you have some minor flow issues in the poem. Mostly syllabic. The best recommendation I can make is to read it out loud to yourself. This is one of the most important things when writing poems. Do this and flow issues should make themselves evident.The first one is the third line in the second stanza. “Continuously fighting you have eternal health” can easily be fixed by ‘continuously fighting, you’ve eternal health’
Then “Fighting against all those heartless” -> fighting against the heartless
This line is waaay too long, and you should consider making it two lines: “Epic battles sway the fields that clashes between the two lands” The way it is now it’s kind of confusing as well, so maybe something like “Epic battles sway the fields/ Amidst clashes between two lands” or something. You’re missing a word or two the way you have it now, so it doesn’t totally make sense. You so this several times. It’s one of those things where it makes sense to the writer, but it takes the reader a few seconds too long to puzzle it out.
Next “Relentlessly you fight with both your hands”- “relentlessly fighting with both your hands”
As I said you have some words that are missing, you also have some extra words that don’t really add anything to the poem “A butterfly gracefully glides from flower to flower”- I don’t see any point to gracefully, it just makes the flow choppy. “A butterfly glides from flower to flower” has better flow.
The next line “Each flower it has been to, has been claimed”- isn’t clear whether the butterfly claims them or someone else has already claimed them until two lines later. You should add a word like ‘already in there. “Each flower it visits is already claimed” (I use is instead of has been to because it cuts out a syllable that shouldn’t be there)
My only real problem with the poem so far is the next line “Each flower has been in shower” – it really breaks the mood, since shower is somewhat of a whimsical word sometimes, and I associate it with the showers you take to clean yourself, so if you changed it to “each flower has been soaked by a shower” this way you know it’s not the kind of shower I thought it was at first.
Next, I don’t really get the use of ascendancy. Is it the ascendancy into heroism? Martyrdom? Godliness?
“Despite the horrible scars and wounds that have been dealt” is again, way too long. I suggest chopping it down significantly.
“Your future is unable to be foresee”- is might be a typo here, but it doesn’t make sense. Do you mean “your future ‘you’re’ unable to forsee?”
“Grasping the power of light, its so immense” – just pull out ‘it’s’ and you’re good.
“The blood seems to dissipate with every step”- one extra syllable here.
“With the power of light, there is no trouble to advance”- ‘to advance’ is grammatically wrong. You want ‘advancing’
“For the damned, they don't feel anything accept,” – I might be wrong here, but if you’re using stanzas, I reaaaally recommend finish the sentence in the last line. You’re supposed to pause reading after a stanza, so when you end it with ‘accept’ it’s a little awkward.
“The hatred that runs deeply through there veins”- I think you need to work on squishing two or three words. Also, I’m unsure as to who ‘they’ are. The good guys or the bad guys?
“Only thing that drives you, is the light”- “the only thing driving you is the light” Generally the more often you can put two or three words into one, the better. Instead of saying ‘that drives’ say ‘driving’, etc.
“Wave after wave of damned the light grows stronger” – too many syllables. I’m not sure how to rework this one. The best I can come up with is ‘with the death of each damned the light grows stronger’ but that’s not really the same thing that you wrote, so idk.
”The one looks down at the progress of the fight”- the one looks down and ‘watches’ the fight. Not only does this help with flow, but it makes the one more personal. Also I suggest writing The One instead of The one. Capitalize it to make it a proper noun.
”Shaking his head he is disappointed he can't look much longer”- honestly, if you cut out ‘he can’t look much longer’ this flows really well and has a lot of impact. Sometimes less is more.
A silent tear falls before he can hide it out of sight- “He hides a silent tear from sight” is what I’d recommend

“Looking down one more time he moans breathlessly”- “looking down again he breathlessly moans” flows better, but I wouldn’t use moans. It’s a bit to weak for someone called The One. You could use sighs, or something else. I can’t easily think of the word that would work best here.
"I'm sorry, that it has comes to this,” –no comma.
Please forgive me, you'll die helplessly- I’d suggest a period instead of a comma, for more impact and pause.
Death will soon give you this unforgiving kiss" – you can’t use ‘this’ if you haven’t already talked about the kiss. “death will soon give you it’s unforgiving kiss” also personifies death. Better yet, use ‘his kiss’ or ‘her kiss’ to personify it farther and that turns death into a power that works against The One in opposition to the light The One brings. The darkness to The One’s light, it creates a yin and yang sort of thing.
“Turning away from the sight of his perfect Angel” –You have to say we’ve moved on from talking about the one and have returned to the point of view of the soldier. Also, you’ve suddenly started using ‘his’ and speaking in third person, when before you were using ‘you’. You should pick one or the other, though if you change it to you, you no longer have to say we aren’t talking about The One anymore, since it’s implied.
The light fades from his pure-heartened soul- I really like this line. It’s the sudden change that makes the story and explains everything The One was upset about.
”And the damned overwhelms his struggle and he is strangled”- too long. “And the damned overwhelm his struggle” flows better, but ‘overwhelm his struggle’ doesn’t portray what you’re trying to say as well as it could. It’s a little ambiguous. You could say something about his efforts being in vain instead and that might have more power
The stench is so foul- I feel like this doesn’t really fit, and was just put in there to make it rhyme.
The damned run loose once more –“now The Damned run loose once more”- I should have said this earlier but I just thought of it, if you capitalize The Damned it’s more powerful.
And the Holy hide in fear – This is my favorite line in the poem. It very specifically states what the world has turned into in a powerful way.
The blood of the innocent becomes a shore –Love it.
Nothing is ever clear- You last two stanzas start becoming a lot more powerful and I feel like this line doesn’t do them justice. Honestly, I personally feel you should scrap this line and think really hard on this last line, because if you can make it powerful and impact, I think it would be really amazing

After thoughts-
Spilt and dealt don’t really rhyme
There veins—their veins
Pure heartened- pure hearted
I see you rhymed in all of your poems, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I'd like to see you try not rhyming once and a while. Sometimes it seems a little forced like you chose words just to make the rhymes work. I think the rhyming is really effective in Can no one? but I think Angel would have been more effective if it hadn't rhymed. That's a personal opinion though.

Woot! Exactly what I was looking! Thanks booncj!!! KEEP GOING! xD

I realized some of the things you said like," use a comma here but a period here" before you posted. But I definitely didn't know the stuff like what you said here




Again thanks! xD

Cool, I look forward to reading it. I'll get around to doing the others when I get a chance. ^_^

rawr

Whatchjoo mean rhyme? lol