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 Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 7:36 pm
Okay, just wrote this in an hour and a half. Came up with another idea for a short story so I gave it a shot. Like all my work, critique is fully open. I could not come up with a title, so the topic name is my excuse for one.
Jumping in bed, Trevor quickly pulled the sheets over him, covering his body from the cold with an even colder blanket. However, he knew that his body would heat it up, transforming it into a cocoon of warmth and comfort. And it was seven minutes that passed before his mind fell into a deep trance, his rapid moving eyeballs proving that this night would be special.
"You... w-what are you doing here?" His eyes were wide with shock, his mouth hung open even wider.
"Trav, I'm so sorry, but things are different now!" She opened her arms, not for a hug, but to display the surroundings. Travis' hands trembled, and he knew what his brain was telling his body. Angst and deep sorrow that you could only feel from great loss, surged through his nerves. Like little electrical signals surfing his skin, he could feel the hairs raise across his body.
"You, left me! You left me here, to pick myself up and to-" He mumbles on and on, while Vanessa stood there, her arms still open wide listening to everything he had to say. Her light smile never dissipated, and as he mumbled he subconsciously recovered lost memories. The happiness, the ease of expression, the feeling of being full were all too familiar once again.
"Fly to me" she commanded, her smiling growing wider to increase the power of her command. He stood there, holding his hand up, palm facing inwards with four fingers stretched up.
"Four, give me four reasons."
"There aren't four. There is no four. There's one I know, it's because you love me Travis, you love me." Her response was quick, her point was final.
"I love you" he faintly whispered, then continued saying "I only fly because you make me, because you allow me." Her smile opened up into a joyous laughter. The laughter poured into his ears, and he suddenly felt less hungry. Travis was at her side and then held her hand. The sensation of touch was like something he just discovered again, and again he felt like he was being fed, even less hungry than before.
"I know what you are going to do again" Travis' eyes became sullen. "You've done it before and you are capable again."
"Have you seen where we are yet? Look at this land Travis, nothing can hurt you. I think this is heaven.." Her gaze turned to the sky.
"I've been to heaven before, Vaness..." The sound of her name coming out his mouth was like food on his tongue. His taste buds danced and he felt slightly heavier. He found he could only stare at the ground.
"But this isn't it, have you seen the grass?" He continued staring down.
"The grass has seen you. Look, we are afloat on an island in the sky!" She danced around, leading Travis over a small hill to the cliffside.
"I visited my aunt, y'know, over the break.." She cut him off.
"Do you see, the island ends here, Trav, it ends. The air tastes like flowers" She began clicking her tongue to her pallet.
"Lilac" He responded.
"Yes" She answered.
"Rose"
"Yep!" She was smiling, prancing around.
"Lavender"
"Oh yes!"
"Lily"
She fell off the cliffside in a faint motion. Travis' hand outstretched reaching for her even though he was located many feet away from the cliff's edge.
"No!" He yelled, his throat exhausted. "Don't leave me like this, again leaving.." He was sobbing and ran to the edge. Looking down over the edge, all he could see was blended clouds stained pink, red and violet.
"I knew it... I knew it and I shouldn't have fallen for it because I knew it the whole damn time!" He felt immense pain between his eyebrows, for they were permanently forged above his brow line. He felt the electricity in his nerves again wash him over, and as the wave passed his limbs they ceased functioning, until it passed through his feet. His legs gave in, knees buckled and the arms were no longer able to provide support, causing him to fall off the cliff. It was slow motion, the slowest motion he ever endured. He woke up, salty sweat stained his pillow and his eyes were crusted with dry tears. His stomach cried in agony,
"Nausea! Bloat! Death!"
While his brain yelled hysterically,
"More! Give me more!"
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Posted: Thu Mar 18, 2010 10:12 am
This kind of work isn't really in my wheelhouse, but I saw a few things that really need a tweak.
Primarily, you need to decide whether you are using present tense (it's really coming into fashion) or the literary past tense. Because you use both during the story and it is quite unsettling. (He mumbles on and on, while Vanessa stood there...)
Additionally, much of your writing is passive, which is widely accepted to be awkward and uncomfortable to read.
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 3:29 am
Hmm, well there are several issues here, some of which purple_artemis00 has already pointed out, so I will go over the ones that I see which have not been dealt with yet.
I find some of your descriptive word choices rather bizarre. The ones in question were quite blinding in their glare. They took me right out of the story and had me laughing on a couple of occasions. The bits of description that did this were(I've left my comments in red):
Quote: "Angst and deep sorrow that you could only feel from great loss, surged through his nerves. Like little electrical signals surfing his skin, he could feel the hairs raise across his body. " Nerves is simply the wrong word to use here. Nerves imply that a sensation is caused by something physical like something touching you, something being cold or hot, physically painful, etc., etc. Nerves just doesn't work with emotional feelings such as angst or sorrow.
Quote: "He felt immense pain between his eyebrows, for they were permanently forged above his brow line. He felt the electricity in his nerves again wash him over" The "pain between the eyebrows" had me laughing I'm afraid. It doesn't work because nobody thinks of an ache in the head due to sadness being located "between the eyebrows." It is too technical(at least for the amount of description you write. If you were to show the "journey" of the pain in a highly descriptive manner you could perhaps use it and have it work.) And I really have no idea what is meant by "permanently forged above his brow line" it would seem to imply that his eyebrows are rigid and the reason why he feels pain between them, but that doesn't seem to make much sense, as eyebrows can move and they are not the source of his pain.
It has the feeling of: "and he did feel pain in the front lobe of his brain." People are not usually precise when describing a feeling, as they are usually feeling the feeling, they tend to be rather fuzzy about it.
And "electricity in his nerves" also falls foul of being too technical, and in this case, only technical. We don't really need to know what is in his nerves. We need to know how his nerves make him feel. Currently("He felt the electricity in his nerves again wash him over") he is feeling the text of a science text book, which is not something that really works.
I think your problem is that you tend to describe feeling things in a bit of a technical manner in some cases. There are times where you do it well:
Quote: The laughter poured into his ears, and he suddenly felt less hungry. Travis was at her side and then held her hand. The sensation of touch was like something he just discovered again, and again he felt like he was being fed, even less hungry than before.
It could do with a bit of a clean up as it sounds a little clunky, but the food and happiness simile is very good. It works because of the connection that feeling hungry has with pain, longing and being incomplete. It has a connection to a feeling.
That is something that nerves and electricity don't really have, at least in the way you have used them(electricity does have connotations with feeling but only when used in a manner that implies it. Saying that there is electricity flowing through someone's nerves is not one of them- well, unless perhaps they happen to be having a serious electric shock).
There is much more that should probably be said, but I am really out of time for the moment, so it will have to wait for a later date.
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Posted: Sat Mar 20, 2010 9:43 pm
Thank you both for great criticism smile I'll fix this up soon.
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