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 Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 11:36 am
This is some thing I like and hate. Its odd really.
The tears in my eyes won’t stop coming
My voice is lost in the many cries of others
Pain tears me apart
My blood flows down my naked body
Death would be welcomed but never comes
My soul swallowed by the darkness
My mind shuts sown
All is dark
My skin is cold
My blood is ice
My soul is gone
My body a shell
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Posted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 1:13 am
Hm, I personally find myself much more drawn to the second stanza than the first for its metaphorical qualities. There's a lot of ambiguous reference to pain and dark and death and not all that much action or presence in the first stanza, which really makes it feel more like a dark cloud than a persona. I don't have anything in particular against darker poems or subject matters, but this just leaves a lot to be desired in the way of clarity, audience engagement, and intrigue.
The second line /My voice is lost in the many cries of others/ really had me hoping you would expand on that point, especially since the speaker seems so isolated, but you move on and don't return to it- it is interesting though because that line is the only reference in the entire piece to someone other than the speaker.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:35 am
Thanks Elemental_Wolf
I was thinking of useing this poem to start a story and in the story it gets to the other people. I will have to work on it.
I will try to make it better
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