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 Posted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 4:09 pm
Loathe!
My battle cry begins
To bring forth thousand sins
Mortals embrace your pride.
For another one has died.
Their soul's ablaze.
Engulfed in terror lost in dazes.
Inside a maelstrom of nightly glamor
A god's destructive hammer.
Shaping angels from their very foundation.
Holding their hands with great admiration.
A lustful vengeful aggressive temptation
The soul's ablaze with massive determination.
Death is escape; Alone I face annihilation.
Fear is accentual to our progress.
A generator giving out radical distress
Headless and blindsided by unending madness.
To blame, this hysterical sadness.
Their soul's ablaze
And forever lost in haze.
Armour of tormenting pleasures.
Thinking in abhor taking drastic measures.
A call to arms gear up for ignorance.
Face thy horrid abhorrence
Talking in mindless unintelligible sense.
Fogging so deeply making it immense.
Stupidity is the common defense.
Humans final resort is to act in ridiculous fashions.
Hold their hand with hundreds compassions.
A real wraith would know to stay away.
Allow them humans to wallow and let them pay.
Their soul's ablaze
Always to amaze.
Isolated in gates of ignorant hate.
Wallow in defeat we will die on a soon expiration date.
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:47 pm
Upon Mother Evermore's request, I have returned from my inadvertent leave of absence to look over your work. I give you much credit, because you have an impeccable vocabulary. However, you seem to use it with a bit of hesitation. Or, should I say, with the halting expression of someone trying to convey something they don't know how to do too quickly. I am not criticizing or belittling your work, as it is emotional and reflective, but it seems you try to use some words in place of others in a way that grammatically makes no sense. I would only recommend that you look a bit more carefully at your grammar, and take a bit more time in putting effort in truly finding the proper words to express what you have to say. Rhyme scheme is not something to follow religiously, as it often leads us to lesser ends. I think that with time and a bit more practice your already imaginative and thought-provoking poetry could be polished to a shining high.
Peace,
dzd
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deadzonedragon Vice Captain
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