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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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 Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:32 am
Jasrai trusted healers because she could see evidence of the success of their work, and they did tend to be successful more often than not. However, she didn't tend to put a lot of faith in mindhealers. It was just a branch of healing that she couldn't make herself believe in. It seemed to her that practitioners of mindhealing were basically charlatans. She'd never known a single person who had gone to one and said that their sessions were helpful. She also knew maybe two people who had ever had dealings with them, one of whom was her grandfather, who had undergone an evaluation with a mindhealer before he was sentenced. His opinion of the mindhealer was that the woman was a right b***h.
And so Jasrai found it odd that she was walking down the corridors of Telgar Weyr, heading for the office of a mindhealer. Ordinarily she wouldn't have considered this course of action. In fact, until very recently she would have said that it was the least likely thing for her to have done when it came to handling her problems, but she had finally reached the conclusion the night before that she wasn't handling them well, and she would need help. Well. Not help. Just someone she could tell about her problems.
There was a lot she couldn't say, and no one she could say it to, really. She loved Roseth, but she really wasn't one to talk about problems. Her dragon's method of dealing with problems was to ignore them until they went away. And she couldn't really talk to her fellow weyrlings about her problems. They had problems of their own and she imagined they got sick of hearing her gripe about facing the same sort of persecution they faced. Except it was different for her. Being a woman who Impressed a fighting dragon at Telgar was incredibly difficult, and there were all sorts of things she didn't feel comfortable or justified in complaining about to A'li and Y'kar.
Jasrai had met the mindhealer before. Tofir. His situation was an unusual one, she recalled. He was technically a senior apprentice, but he'd walked the tables to become a journeyman. He'd accepted a demotion to come to the Weyr and pursue his fascination with Impression. He was also a candidate, although he did almost nothing with the other candidates. She'd agreed to conduct an interview with him in the days immediately following her Impression, and he'd asked questions of both her and Roseth regarding what they thought and felt after, during, and prior to Impression.
Tofir had seemed like a decent person during that interview, but she still wasn't sure she'd be able to talk to him. She was willing to give it a try, though, because she really wasn't sure she could continue to cope with the pressure she was under without some way to release steam, as it were. Just the same, it wasn't in her nature to bare her secrets to people, particularly not strangers. This might be a complete failure. But she had to try.
Her green firelizard, Satish, chirped a query and the lynx-point bronze firelizard on her shoulder crooned softly in response. With a start Jasrai realized she'd been standing outside the mindhealer's office for several minutes without moving. She winced and knocked on the door.
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Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:13 pm
Tofir was on his way back from the kitchens, where he had just finished his lunch. For him, lunch was usually an indifferent meal. Some days he was allowed into the kitchens to prepare his own meal, which was his personal preference. Most of the time he had to make do with whatever was prepared. In that respect, breakfast was better, since mostly no one cared if he prepared his own breakfast, even to the point of re-washing dishes that had already been washed just so that he knew for certain they were clean. He did the same with any implements or crockery he used, and if there was a way to clean the food itself he did it. He didn't trust the people working to keep their workplace clean. His lack of faith in them didn't exactly win friends or influence people, but he didn't particularly care. He would rather not get some sort of food poisoning because someone neglected to wash their hands after relieving themselves and before returning to their work in the kitchen.
He was just about to his office when he noticed a girl standing in front of the door, knocking. His first thought was to wonder how long she had been there. Not too long, he hoped. People didn't seek him out often, and he would be disappointed to lose the opportunity to do his preferred work simply because he'd decided to have lunch at an inconvenient time. Increasing his pace, Tofir half-jogged to his office door. His steel-blue firelizard flew ahead of him, quickly out-pacing him. Shiver was certainly fast, Tofir had to admit, even if he wasn't necessarily the brightest or bravest firelizard ever hatched.
"Hey," Tofir called, his voice carrying loudly. He was generally a fairly loud person. It didn't occur to him until he was close enough that he wouldn't have to shout that maybe the girl didn't want a lot of attention drawn to her.
"Sorry," he said. "I went to grab some lunch. Was there something you wanted to..."
He trailed off, recognizing the girl at last. The last time he'd seen her up close she'd been trailed by a very young green dragon and hadn't had any firelizards. She'd also been considerably heavier and much happier looking. She didn't look happy now. There were dark circles under her eyes that he recognized easily as coming from sleepless nights and her hair was dull and lank, as though she didn't really care to take care of it any more. The best word he could come up with to describe her was haunted. She didn't look much like a dragonrider, that was certain.
"Would you like to come in?" he asked, reaching around her to open the door and then holding the door open invitingly.
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:55 pm
Jasrai looked up, startled when someone shouted down the hall at her. From his perch on her shoulder, Flynx sat up on his hind legs and glared down the corridor, ready to defend her from whomever was shouting at her. This was his Jasrai, and she was already unhappy, and if this other person wanted to make her unhappier he, Flynxerrat the Magnificent, would take their face off. Satish, smaller and younger and aware that she was nowhere near as terrifying, crouched in front of him, content to let him do the menacing but willing to offer her assistance if it was needed.
"No, no, it's fine," she said both to Tofir and her firelizards, whose intent she could guess. However, her actions belied her words. She glanced around to make sure that no one had heard him shouting. She didn't really want anyone to know she was talking to him in his official capacity.
Looking up at Tofir she wondered if she had done the right thing in coming to him. It was difficult for her to do this. Admit that she had problems she couldn't handle on her own. It implied that she was unable to control her life, and she hated that feeling. She felt like such a failure. And the way he was looking at her...He was taller than her, but he wasn't much older than her. If he was older than her. How could he possibly understand or help her? She should just go.
And she would have, too, but he had basically cut off her exit by opening the door. There was no way she could politely flee, and it was pretty obvious she'd meant to speak to him, or else she wouldn't have been knocking on his door. She would have to see this through. At least to the extent of going into his office. And better that was done quickly, before anyone could pass by and see her here. It would be just another thing for them to pass judgment on. Another reason for the general Weyr population to say she didn't deserve a dragon if she couldn't handle the responsibilities that came with it.
"Thank you," she said and stepped meekly into his office. It looked more spacious than the last time she'd been in it six months ago. But that might have been because she didn't have to try to squeeze a green dragonet into it. Also, it was obvious he'd been making inroads on the stacks of papers and files which she'd seen heaped in corners and any other flat surface the last time she was in here.
"I...don't really know if I should be here. I've been having...a hard time with life here. Um...Sorry. I don't even know how to begin." Her voice trembled. Faranth. Was she going to cry? Flynx rubbed his wedge-shaped head against her cheek and Sati petted her opposite ear reassuringly. She'd yet to convince the green firelizard that it didn't so much reassure her as tickle her. Either way she usually smiled, she supposed, but it wasn't quite the same thing. At least she wasn't going to cry anymore.
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Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 3:21 pm
Tofir shut the door securely behind Jasrai and surreptitiously nudged a pile of papers in front of it with his foot as he did so. The pile of papers wouldn't be much of a deterrent, but most people didn't try to open doors after they met with any sort of initial resistance. His door didn't have a lock. That sort of complex mechanism wouldn't be wasted on a glorified storage closet like his office. He had to make do. Besides, there was no way he could know whether or not Jasrai would appreciate a locked door, or if it would make her uncomfortable. He'd asked her a few questions about her past at their first interview, but nothing too probing. He was almost certain that a person's upbringing didn't play a crucial role in a person's chances of Impression.
He took note of the threatening looks Jasrai's firelizards sent his way. One thing he liked very much about firelizards was that they were sort of like automatic ways to gauge a person's mood. Firelizards, in his experience, weren't clever enough to lie or disguise the fact that they were reflecting their bonds' emotions. From her bronze and her green, Tofir could infer that Jasrai was uncomfortable, defensive. They felt she needed protection, so she might be feeling vulnerable and threatened. It was a whole new aspect to mindhealing that he had never been exposed to at the Hall.
There was still only one chair in the office, and he was relieved to see that it didn't have anything stacked on it in terms of files or other documents. He waited for Jasrai to sit in it, since that was what most people tended to do when he didn't immediately sit. But she hesitated. She hung back, and Tofir realized that she had never been to a mindhealer. She'd submitted to his interview, but that wasn't the same thing. She had been helping him, then, and now she needed him to help her. And she clearly had no idea how to say it.
"All right," Tofir said soothingly. "Why don't you start by sitting down? And then maybe you could fill me in on what's happened since the last time we spoke. Clearly some things have changed. I see that you have two firelizards now, and you definitely didn't have them before. You could tell me how that happened."
He gestured again toward the chair, inviting her to sit down. He genuinely hoped that whatever was wrong was something he could actually help her sort out. He wasn't a miracle worker, and sometimes he couldn't fix things, or even begin to guess how he should go about trying. In spite of all his training he was only twenty turns old. He hadn't experienced everything life had to offer, and his own experiences had been relatively limited. Nevertheless, he would try his best to help Jasrai, because judging by the way she looked, things might be really, truly bad.
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 6:30 pm
Jasrai breathed a sigh of relief which was, to her embarrassment, audible. She was a neophyte to the world of mindhealing, and Tofir couldn't be much older than she, but his manner indicated that he did this on a regular basis. It put her at ease. That, and the fact that he didn't seem to be passing any judgments on her. They hadn't spoken of her future as a rider at their last meeting. Jasrai had gotten the impression that since what interested him was the "why" of Impression, what came after wasn't all that important to him, and couldn't blame him for not mentioning it. At the time, she hadn't given much thought to the backlash she'd have to deal with for Impressing, either. Now it was more or less constantly on her mind.
Instead of sitting on what was the only chair in the small room, Jasrai perched on the desk. She had always been fond of perching on things that weren't, strictly speaking, meant to be sat upon. Particularly if they were elevated. A small part of her mind pointed out that an added bonus to sitting on the desk would be that Tofir would then take the chair and would actually be lower than her, rather than higher. He wouldn't be physically able to look down on her, at least. She couldn't shake the feeling that if she spoke her mind and told him of her problems, he would despise her as much as everyone else seemed to do. After all, wasn't he a candidate? Roseth could have been his.
"Thank you," she said again as she sat, drawing her knees up and hugging them to her chest. Her bosom was too ample for her to rest her chin on her knees and her legs, though more toned than they had been, were too thick for her to fold her legs close, but nonetheless she managed the position without dislodging anything on Tofir's desk. It occurred to her after she had adopted this pose that Tofir might not appreciate her sitting on his workspace.
"Um. Well. A lot's happened in the last six months or so. You probably don't want to hear all about it. But, well, Roseth's gotten a lot larger. She can't follow me around inside the Weyr anymore, but she's not quite big enough to bear a rider in flight." She didn't know why she was being so vague, telling Tofir things anyone could observe if they paid the slightest attention. Telling him these safe little nothings wouldn't help her. She said as much to her parents in the letters she managed to send home when she remembered to write.
"My firelizards..." Jasrai's firelizards were a pure delight to her. Like Roseth, they were products of the last hatching, but unlike Roseth they came with a great deal less trouble. People were less likely to begrudge a girl a pair of firelizards - even if one was a bronze - than they were to begrudge her a green dragon, apparently. "They were gifts from my family. Flynxerrat, the bronze, was from my grandfather. He meant for him to be a gold, but it's harder to tell with firelizard eggs. Satish was from my parents. I've been working on training them so that they won't be a bother to anyone, but mostly they don't seem inclined that way."
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 10:23 am
Tofir pretended not to have heard Jasrai's relieved sigh, but it was telling. She was definitely new to this, and something about the Weyr had made her very cautious. He remembered his notes perfectly, and she was not the same person he had interviewed. From what he'd observed of the Weyr and its attitudes, he could guess at what it was. No doubt everyone was doing their best to make her life a living hell to show her that she didn't have what it took to be a dragonrider, and she didn't belong on a fighting dragon. He would wait for her to tell him this, though. If she told him. A mindhealer should never put words into the mouths of his patients.
When she perched on his desk, Tofir's mind ran through possibilities. A higher position. A position of power and control? But then the position she struck on the desk was one of vulnerability. That of a person trying to protect their soft spots. Jasrai wouldn't open up to him. Not now. He was almost certain of it. That was fine. If he did this right, she would come back, and maybe the next time she would tell him what her real trouble was. He shouldn't be trying to guess what her problem was. Making that sort of assumption was as bad as putting words into a patient's mouth. He would have to listen and wait for things to unfold. But he was so excited to have a real patient. His first in months.
He took the chair and spun it on one leg so it was backward. Then he swung one leg over it and sat down, propping his chin on the back of the chair. He was ready to listen to anything she had to say. Even if she said it ask awkwardly as she seemed to be about to do. He wouldn't have pegged her for being inarticulate. But he wasn't surprised she was finding it difficult to talk to him. He was a stranger. At least he'd begun with simple questions, the usual ones. She was probably giving him the same answers she gave her parents.
"Jasrai," he interrupted, "I want to hear anything you want to tell me. It doesn't matter if you think it's inconsequential or dull or stupid."
And then he allowed her to continue talking, telling him about Roseth growing larger, and then about her firelizards. He carefully divided his attention between listening to Jasrai, taking in her tone and posture and facial expression, and also directing Shiv to make himself known to Jasrai's firelizards. It was an experiment based on a recent encounter with Yulu. He might be able to turn Shiv into an asset for putting people at ease. Getting at them through their firelizards, or at least charming them. Though convincing Shiv to be charming would be a lot of work. The poor thing was a bundle of nerves.
However, Shiver reluctantly abandoned his perch on a stack of papers and fluttered over to Sati, whom he deemed the least threatening of Jasrai's pair. Tofir didn't blame Shiv for his choice. He could see the Flynxerrat was protective enough to make himself very unpleasant if he so chose, in spite of Jasrai's claims that her flits didn't seem inclined to make trouble. He got the impression from Flynxerrat that he was more like one of those runners whose owner said they were sweet and who would bite or kick anyone else. Satish was younger, but she seemed to be in the process of adopting the same attitude.
"They seem very protective of you. You're obviously doing something right with them. But they seem young. Older than my blue, Shiver, but young. I'm guessing they didn't come immediately after you Impressed?"
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 8:17 am
As ridiculous as it may have seemed, Jasrai was put at ease more by Tofir's posture than anything else. Her male friends at the hold would sit like that while they were talking. Or they'd tip their chairs back so far she always wondered how they didn't fall over backward. Her sense of balance was superb, but she was simply too heavy to risk leaning back in a chair. At least in company, where there could be an audience to her overbalancing.
However, it was a little unnerving to think that he might be serious in saying that he wanted to hear whatever she felt like telling him. She had spent a long time at the Weyr being told to shut up and know her place. She was only a greenrider and only a girl, and her opinion and thoughts weren't worth hearing. After speaking with Tethis, she hoped that maybe she could just be ignored by the Weyr at large. It wasn't an ideal situation, but she would prefer that to animosity. Unfortunately, Roseth would never settle for anonymity.
As it was, though, he seemed genuinely interested in what she was saying, even though she wasn't giving him much. He didn't press her about Roseth, which disappointed her a little. She wondered if she might have given him more, had he asked more detailed questions about her dragon. It was that part of her life which was difficult, after all. But then she thought about it, her brain working as she responded to Tofir's prompts, and she realized that if he'd begun by asking her about Roseth and delving into that, she wouldn't have been able to open up to him. She would have felt that he was pushing her. He was good.
She hoped he was patient. She didn't know if she could bring herself to tell him what was troubling her. Initially she'd thought she could just go in, blurt it out, and walk away feeling purged. As soon as Tofir actually showed up, however, she knew it wouldn't work that way. It couldn't. Tofir was a real human being, and she couldn't just divulge all her problems to him and leave as if she'd never been there. What would he think of her if she did?
"Actually, Flynx's egg was the first to arrive, and it came several months after I Impressed Roseth. The note my grandfather sent with the egg explained that he had some difficulty, even with his contacts, getting the egg he wanted for me took some time, and it had to be transported overland, since no one in my family has the contacts to get a dragonrider to play delivery boy. My parents' gift, Sati, came about a month after Flynx. They went through more conventional channels to get Sati for me."
Jasrai cut herself off, biting her bottom lip. She couldn't believe she had actually hinted that her grandfather might still be in contact with some of his criminal cohorts. For one thing, no one really wanted to admit to being descended from criminals, even though this grandfather was just a very good thief and not a murderer, and for another thing it could be very bad for him if it was known that he wasn't exactly reformed. People might also start to wonder if any of his tendencies had rubbed off on her, which they sort of had. She had learned his light-fingered ways and knew a few ways to bypass standard securities. There were too many questions that could be raised.
"I...um. I don't know, really, what I did to make them so protective of me. I guess they figure since they're carnivorous and I eat plants as well I must be a pathetic creature in need of protection?" She was speaking too fast now, but she wanted to distract Tofir from what she might have accidentally given away about her grandfather. "I know you're supposed to be the one asking questions, but how did you get...Shiver?"
She watched the blue interact with Sati. The green cast a glance over her shoulder at Flynx, looking for permission to get to know Shiver. Flynx apparently gave it, though Jasrai hadn't noticed him move, and so Sati crept from her perch and fluttered into the air near Shiv. The blue was larger than she, but significantly smaller than Flynx. She didn't blame him for choosing to interact with Sati. If she'd been as skittish as he seemed to be, Sati would have seemed like the safer of the pair, too. Sati crooned softly and landed on a filing cabinet, inviting Shiv and Flynx to join her. Flynx looked her direction and didn't budge.
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Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:52 am
Tofir listened. That was what he was good at. That was what he was trained to do. To listen and to hear what a person wasn't saying along with what they were saying. And to figure out how to put the two together to come up with what they meant. It was the best game in the world to him, like completing a puzzle with an indeterminate number of pieces to make an unknown picture, and sometimes pieces were missing. It was unbelievably fun. Sometimes he wondered if he was really mature enough to be in this position, since he derived so much pride and pleasure from his work. He didn't think it would ever get old.
He understood what Jasrai meant when she spoke about her grandfather. Tofir wasn't a mathematician, but he knew how old she was from their last interview and could guess at her parents' age and how old her grandfather would be. He would be old enough to have worked in the mines as a convict. So she was descended from one of them. As a native of High Telgar Hold, that was hardly surprising. It wasn't even surprising that she didn't want him to know. From what he gathered, she and her grandfather had been close, if he would go to so much effort - not to mention risk - to get her a gift. Maybe she knew more about his criminal activities than she should. He had to interrupt once more.
"Jasrai, you caught me by surprise when you showed up at my door, and I thought you needed to talk more than anything else, but I should have told you - reassured you - that nothing you say will leave my office. I will not tell anyone anything without your permission. With your permission, I would like to take notes, but I promise I will be the only one to read them." That might help. It also might make her nervous, wondering why he had chosen to tell her that when he did, but he hoped it would help her to know that. She seemed like she preferred to be a private person.
Shiver looked over at Jasrai when she said his name and flew quickly to Satish, who was infinitely less disconcerting than Flynxerrat or Jasrai. He whistled back to her as he joined her. Once atop the cabinet he settled, more or less, folding his wings and crouching in mimicry of Sati's pose, except that he was shaking. He began to chatter quickly, his gaze darting around the room at its other occupants. Tofir looked at him fondly before answering Jasrai's question.
"There really aren't any rules about how this works. If you want to ask questions, I'll try to answer them. If you just want to sit there and be silent, I'm fine with that, too." He shrugged. Continuing the puzzle metaphor, it was nice to be able to start from the edges and work in, but sometimes it just didn't work out that way. If a piece presented itself, you tried to figure out where it fit in with the rest, even if you were working on a different portion of the puzzle at the time.
"As for how I got Shiv, I was gambling. I had a really lucky streak and came away with a firelizard egg. That turned into Shiver, who was strange from the first moments. After I fed him and talked to him and did all those vaguely embarrassing and not at all manly things you're supposed to do to Impress firelizards he fell asleep and then woke up moments later to vomit up all the meat I'd been stuffing down his gullet. He's refused to eat raw meat ever since, and he's always trembled like that. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with his muscles or nerves, but I'm also a little afraid to find out that there is, so I haven't gotten him checked out."
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:00 am
Tofir's interruption confirmed what had concerned Jasrai. He obviously wasn't stupid, and he had figured out what she was trying to hide. To her knowledge no one else at the Weyr had figured it out, but no one else at the Weyr had really taken the time to ask her questions and listen to her answers, either. If she wasn't careful for that reason alone she could find herself in a bad position with Tofir. She knew what she looked like, and falling for him would be a colossal mistake. Better to n** that in the bud. She shook her head sharply to dismiss the thought.
"I appreciate you telling me that. It had concerned me." She bit her bottom lip and wondered where the habit had come from. She hadn't done that when she first came to the Weyr.
"As for notes...I can't say I feel wholly comfortable with the idea - anyone could read them. But you say that won't happen, and this whole thing depends on me trusting you. If it's going to work, I mean." She grimaced. This wasn't coming out right. "Go ahead and take notes if it will help you. But can you tell me what you want them for?"
It would help her to know why he wanted records. She didn't know much about mindhealing, and if he told her it was standard procedure she would have no choice but to accept it. It wasn't as though there were any other mindhealers in the Weyr she could ask. She would have to trust him. That was going to be difficult. There was something inherently untrustworthy about a person who was so good at reading others, as he'd done with her so far. Or at least unnerving. Roseth wasn't always as quick on the uptake as Tofir, and Roseth could actually read her thoughts.
Jasrai's gaze followed Tofir's and she found herself watching the two chromatic firelizards. Flynx's gaze followed hers and he unwound his tail from her throat and took to the air to join the other two. Whatever Sati had been saying to Shiver about him must have included some sort of come hither. Jasrai was used to the contrast between Flynx and Sati, but having a blue for contrast made it all the more obvious how much smaller Sati was. It was cute. She smiled at the firelizards. She genuinely liked firelizards.
"You gamble? Is it easier for you because you can read people so well?" Jasrai couldn't help asking. She knew this was supposed to be about her, but Tofir had just said it was all right for her to ask questions. And she was curious. It seemed a little like cheating. Though it would also be cheating, she supposed, if she convinced Flynx to tell her what cards everyone else held, and that didn't seem like something she wouldn't do. though not in a game with stakes that included firelizard eggs. That just seemed dishonest, and while Jasrai wasn't averse to lying or even cheating on occasion, there were limits to her dishonesty.
Jasrai glanced back at Shiver. She'd noticed that he did seem to constantly shake, but she'd thought it was nerves on meeting new people and new firelizards. Some creatures and people were just nervous like that, though usually it came as a result of abuse, and she doubted Tofir would abuse a firelizard. It didn't seem a very healer-ish thing to do. Weren't they supposed to preserve life and do no harm, or something like that? So maybe there was something wrong with his firelizard. But shouldn't he be able to investigate that on his own, without bringing Shiv to anyone else?
"He sounds like he's just a picky eater. And as long as the shaking doesn't hinder him, I don't really see why it should be an issue. But I'm no expert on firelizards." Good with them, yes. Expert, no. "Maybe you can practice your trade on him?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:30 pm
Tofir felt better having offered Jasrai reassurance, and better still that she'd given him permission to take notes. He remembered things better when he wrote them down. His memory was only perfect for the written word, after all. In theory, he could write it all down and then destroy the file, but he knew from experience that telling people he had a perfect memory tended to make them more uncomfortable, rather than less. He could understand that, he supposed. It certainly wasn't normal. But then, these were people who willingly bonded to creatures. Their definition of normal was probably skewed all to blazes anyway.
"It's not a requirement, but it does help me. If you decide to come back in the future, it will help me to be able to consult notes of what took place today so that we can pick up on the same page. Assuming you want to, of course. But it will still help me by providing some sort of background information." All of which was true. But really he just needed it written down so that he would never forget it. There might be things he wished he could forget, but he wouldn't be able to block it, and that was for the better.
"I'm a recreational gambler. If someone invites me to play a game of cards, I'll play, or take bets on which eggs will produce which colors. But I don't use my training to my advantage any more than I can help it. Besides, I have just as many tells as anyone else. More than most." He wiggled his eyebrows, showing that their expressiveness could be a disadvantage. "I don't cheat."
"I suppose I could practice on Shiv, but he's not particularly cooperative. He won't articulate, he just emotes. If I'm lucky, I get images that correspond to the emotions, and whatever snippets of noise he picked up with the image, but dealing with small children is actually easier. Marginally." Mostly small children liked to climb on him, and he would only put up with that to a point.
"So, what can I do for you? I never really asked before. Was there something specific you wanted to get out of this visit?" Not subtle, and he could sit around talking firelizards or gambling if she wanted to, but he got the feeling that wasn't really what she wanted to do.
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 5:35 pm
Jasrai nodded. That made sense to her, with the note-taking. She appreciated how he phrased it so that it sounded like it would be her choice to come back, and like he accepted that she might not. In a way it was a little sad that he didn't feel he could count on her return, but at the same time she didn't feel obligated to come in for further session. She hated to feel obligated in that way. Rather, she hated to disappoint people's expectations.
"Okay. That sounds reasonable to me. Do you need me to move so you can get to paper or anything?" She hoped he wouldn't need her to move. Perching she was good at. Getting down from her perches gracefully, not so much. Either Roseth had worn off on her, or she really was that simple and childish, but she hated to look stupid in front of people. Or, rather, less than graceful. She knew she moved gracefully for someone her size, and she was proud of that. It was a small thing, but when you didn't have much to be proud of, you really clung to those things you could.
"I didn't mean to accuse you of cheating!" Jasrai hastened to say. She really didn't want to have Tofir hate her. "I just...wondered. My grandfather, the one who gave me Flynx, he was something of a card sharp. I learned a few of his...tricks. So, I mean, if anyone in this room's a cheater It's probably me."
Fortunately, he didn't seem to hold her implication against her, as he moved on to discuss Shiv's shortcomings as a patient. She couldn't really imagine him trying to practice as a mindhealer on children, though there were probably children that needed it. More than she did. She was just a whiny brat who'd never had to do any real work and couldn't handle adversity. This was a mistake.
"I...it's nothing. I just...I thought I needed help - your kind of help - but it's nothing I shouldn't be able to handle on my own." The key word being shouldn't. The fact was, she wasn't doing too well at handling it. Unlike Roseth, who forgot what was said three days afterward, Jasrai remembered and stored every barb or disparaging remark in a growing mental file labeled You Don't Belong Here.
She bit her bottom lip again and Flynx looked away from Shiv and Sati, concerned. Sati, too, turned to look at her. She hadn't been distressed until moments ago, and they wanted to know what had upset her. With a hard blink, Jasrai forced herself to speak. She came her of her own volition. She owed it to Tofir to explain herself. Or so she tried to convince herself. But did she really owe him anything? He didn't seem to think she was likely to return. Did that mean he didn't expect to be able to help her?
"Impressing isn't what I thought it would be. I guess it sounds childish, but I didn't expect it would be like this when I Impressed. In all the stories it's this great gift, but in reality...it's not like that. Maybe it's because I had the audacity to Impress a fighting dragon, or maybe it's just that Roseth's clutch was a disappointment and people don't want to let that go, but." And she just stopped. She was talking to a candidate, she remembered. How ungrateful she must sound.
"It's not that I'm ungrateful. I love Roseth, and she's worth it, but the kuso I put up with because I Impressed her sometimes - a lot of the time, really - makes me wonder why I stay here. There are other Weyrs. I guess I just want to hear that it'll get better and I can outlast this. But you can't really give me any assurance on that, can you? I'm wasting both of our time."
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Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:33 pm
Tofir shook his head, glad that Jasrai had given her approval. "You're fine where you are. I won't take notes as we speak, that would distract both of us. After you've left I'll write it down. I have a pretty good memory, so I don't think I'll end up leaving too much out. If that worries you, by the way, I promise you can come in and look at my notes on your time whenever you want. As long as I'm here to show you which ones are yours."
At her suddenly concerned outburst Tofir couldn't help laughing. He could guess why Jasrai would be so worried about giving offense. So much of what she did probably ended up getting her in trouble even when it shouldn't. She had good cause to be wary, perhaps. But not with him. He wasn't that easy to offend. Not with an reasonably intelligent question like the one she'd asked him. Most of the people he'd gambled with had expressed similar concerns. And then he'd gone on to have average luck and impressed upon them the fact that he was definitely not cheating. But the fact that Jasrai knew how to cheat was interesting.
"Maybe you'll teach me some of those tricks sometime," was all he said. He wouldn't mind knowing how it was done. At least he'd know what to be on the lookout for the next time he played.
Jasrai's outburst came as a surprise to him. He'd expected her to clam up, or make denials that she needed to be there. Which she was doing, but she kept talking, and he hadn't anticipated that. He'd thought she might flee, but she wasn't to that point. Not yet. He hadn't even given her a push. But she was clearly distraught, judging by her firelizards and her own cues. He supposed he ought to be glad Roseth couldn't find her way to his office and tell him off for upsetting her rider. He didn't think she would like his explanation that sometimes a mindhealer's work involved upsetting their patients a little.
"Hey," Tofir said soothingly. "Maybe you don't need my help. In all honestly, there's not much I can do except listen to you and maybe make some suggestions, and it's entirely up to you whether you heed my advice or not."
He sighed, debating whether she would actually get up and leave if he said anything more, or if he could keep her a little longer. At least until she didn't look like she was about to cry. "And I know you love Roseth, and she's worth it. I don't think anyone could deny that. But from what I've heard, it sounds like you're having a hard time. Perhaps unfairly hard. I'd love to be able to tell you things will get better, but they might not. Wait until you're assigned to a Wing, see how it works out. In the mean time, you might try talking to other female riders. Yeah?"
It was the best advice he could come up with. He knew he should probably add some sort of tag to make her come back, but he didn't want to do that. She'd come back if she needed to. He wouldn't be one of those mindhealers who made their patients dependent on them. That helped no one.
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 8:40 pm
"Maybe."
Not likely. In fact, there was almost no chance she would be teaching anyone the tricks she learned from her grandfather. They were secrets between the two of them. Not even her parents or Roseth knew about most of them. Her parents because it would only have distressed them to know, and Roseth because it made little difference to the green. Or it seemed like it shouldn't matter to her, but maybe Roseth would be interested. It was definitely a skill set that set Jasrai apart. As if that was something she needed to advertise around the Weyr.
Maybe it was because she wanted to be soothed that Jasrai felt herself calming down, but she was willing to credit Tofir with most of it. He had a pleasant voice, and he didn't lie to her. She didn't claim to be any sort of lie detecting genius, though she was very intelligent, but she could appreciate when people obviously didn't lie to her. Tofir didn't tell her that he could make everything all right. He didn't even promise her that everything would be all right. She would've liked to hear it, but she could appreciate that he wouldn't lie to her.
She wouldn't be assigned to a wing for another six months at least. It felt like a long time to wait. But there were things she could do in the mean time. Avoid people, for one, and spend time working hard, rather than socializing with the other weyrlings.
"I could do that," she conceded. "Talk to other female riders. I know there are some. But...I'm really not good at meeting people. And it's a little heavy to start in with, 'Hey, I'm having a hard time, how do you deal with being a woman on a fighting dragon.' I'd feel completely stupid. I mean, obviously they deal somehow, and without your help. I shouldn't need your help. No offense."
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Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:14 am
That was a maybe that sounded like a no to Tofir. He shrugged. While it would be nice to know some tricks, he didn't necessarily need to know them. It would just be a way for Jasrai to show that she excelled in something, really, and he could understand her reluctance. What did it matter whether he liked her? He was hardly an important person in her life. There were others whose opinions undoubtedly mattered more to her, and she had to get to the point where she believed they liked her first.
"Well, you know where to find me if you change your mind," he said.
His suggestion seemed to go over well enough. At least initially. But then came the self-doubt. He'd seen that in his initial interview with her as well, but she hadn't seemed so bothered by it. Well. She would be twenty now, going on twenty one soon. His own age. It was probably difficult for her to think that she was an adult and a dragonrider, and yet she didn't feel comfortable meeting new people. Meeting people had never been a problem for Tofir. He wasn't exactly charming, but he could at least manage to be pleasant most of the time, and pleasantness counted for a lot. Jasrai, he thought, probably had a hard time simply being pleasant. Not that she was unpleasant, but she was unhappy and didn't hide it well, and that would make people uncomfortable even if she managed to stay on lighter topics.
And there was that insistence that she shouldn't need his help. No, she shouldn't. She shouldn't be in a position where she felt she had no other option but to seek him out. He didn't know how she felt about mindhealing as a profession, though he'd earlier observed that she'd no experience with mindhealers, but if she was one of those people who felt they only existed to deal with folks who talked to trees or killed their spouses that could explain her self-directed disappointment. No one wanted to be lumped in with that sort of crazy.
"No offense taken," he said, waving off her half-apology.
"And you won't start in like that when you talk to them," Tofir pointed out. "Because you already know that it's an awkward conversation starter. There are two female blue riders, right? Tethis and Kaya. Just keep your eye out for them, and if you get a chance, just ask after their dragon. That's always a safe bet, right?"
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Princess_Feylin Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 6:36 pm
"Yeah. You're right. I'm not that much of an idiot."
Jasrai raised her right arm from the wrist and thought softly to Sati to come. She didn't need to ask Flynx to come. He had been with her long enough to anticipate her wishes. He fluttered to her right shoulder and perched there with his glinting tail forming a loose collar around her throat. Sati did the same, but she came to rest on Jasrai's wrist, where she held on until Jasrai brought her wrist to her left shoulder, which she climbed onto and settled contentedly with a farewell chirp for Shiver.
Sometimes it seemed to Jasrai that the little bronze firelizard on her shoulder was more in tune with her than Roseth was. She knew why that was so, however. He couldn't hold complex thoughts in his head, and so she wasn't afraid to let him poke around in hers. Roseth could understand far more, and so she needed shielding from more. It wouldn't make sense to too many people, but it was because she loved her dragon so much that Jasrai kept parts of herself secret from her.
"Thank you. Maybe I really just needed to hear some sensible advice."
She got down from the desk with minimal difficulty and made her way to the door, where she paused to move a stack of files with one foot. Before closing it behind her she bid both Tofir and Shiver farewell.
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