|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:37 pm
I have been working on a poem with a space theme...I am having trouble with finding the right imagery to describe the situation.
Here is the poem so far:
The disassembly of a lie,
That was carefully constructed to stead fast the crumbling of the pedestal I had placed you upon.
I was the moon lost.
My planet cataclysmically destroyed—like a science fiction movie scenario.
All that was left was the feeling of desolation.
The sting of devastation.
Yet I continued, none the less, to orbit within my usual confines around the empty space left behind.
I ignored the laws of gravity.
The heavens of your eyes caused the tears to fall like rain.
The hell of my heart burned with the truth.
You were the god of my youth.
Now I hung in the air,
With my faith in ruin.
You are now a relic of what could have been,
Constructed from the busted shards.
I was trying so hard,
I was reaching so far to try and save you.
You told me I was like the stars,
Beautiful and so far away.
I should have stayed away.
You have taken over spaces and places that you have never seen.
Buried in the rock in me.
I welcome any opinions and would love to help others too.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:45 pm
not bad, very good imagery used to discribe discite.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ovan Maxwell Vice Captain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 7:05 pm
Hiya Ophelianna! I love the entire concept of a love/anti-love poem with space imagery. Please understand that the following is meant as positive criticism; I have simply never been blessed with tact.
The first two lines could use some rearranging. Also, if you can, find some way to tie in the imagery of the pedestal with the planet a bit more just for consistency's sake. I also don't think that you need to clarify "like a science fiction movie scenario" - people will figure that out for themselves; it just adds clutter to the poem.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:38 am
I really liked it. My favorite line was "The heavens of your eyes caused the tears to fall like rain." =]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
