|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 1:40 am
(this simple short... short story is written in the third person)
Late eavning in a room, a dim one, lit with candles sat a couple on a single bench. they sat there in awe, admiring eachother, in compleat silence. the girl, fair blond, gazed into the charming young mans eyes. she then say it, Love. As they say there, hands laced together he said he loved her. she didnt know what to say, she-- she was suprised because not only he said that, but when he said that, his voice was like a molody playing those three words. he asked her is she loved him back, she gently smiled and nodded. He told her he wanted to actually hear her say it. she opened her mouth, but no words came out. The boy sighed and looked awayfrom her toward the drownd. With her free hand, she lifted his chin and slightly turned it so he was faceing her. Now, in those eyes that adored her with Love... they were full of pain, and sadness. She leand in and lightly kissed his lips, awe their first kiss. Just that gentle kiss was so strong, she smiles and said "I Love You."
---------------------------
By: Nichole Napiontek AKA neehole
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:00 am
haha.. sweet.
as the saying goes..
let the one you love know you love him..
if necessary, use words.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:53 pm
Sweet, really.
But needs a lil refining.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:33 pm
neehole (this simple short... short story is written in the third person) Late eavning in a room, a dim one, lit with candles sat a couple on a single bench. they sat there in awe, admiring eachother, in compleat silence. the girl, fair blond, gazed into the charming young mans eyes. she then say it, Love. As they say there, hands laced together he said he loved her. she didnt know what to say, she-- she was suprised because not only he said that, but when he said that, his voice was like a molody playing those three words. he asked her is she loved him back, she gently smiled and nodded. He told her he wanted to actually hear her say it. she opened her mouth, but no words came out. The boy sighed and looked awayfrom her toward the drownd. With her free hand, she lifted his chin and slightly turned it so he was faceing her. Now, in those eyes that adored her with Love... they were full of pain, and sadness. She leand in and lightly kissed his lips, awe their first kiss. Just that gentle kiss was so strong, she smiles and said "I Love You." --------------------------- By: Nichole Napiontek AKA neehole Spellcheck!!!! You tell everything in third person, and for such a scene like this it seems a bit impersonal. I don't mean change it to first person, but maybe get into her thoughts and his thoughts some? The most interesting part to this kind of short story would be their fears and hopes, IMO. Or, you could give it a twist and make them both (or just one) evil and trying to trick each other twisted
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
