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In the early days of my interest in Buddhism and psychology,I was given a particularly vivid demonstation of how difficult it was going to be to forge an integration between the two. Some friends of mine had arranged for an encounter between two prominent visiting Buddhist teachers at the house of a Harvard University psychology professor. These were teachers from two distinctly different Buddhist traditions who had never met and whose traditions had in fact had very little contact over the past thousand years. Before the worlds of Buddhism and Western psychology could come together, the various strands of Buddhism would have to encounter one another. We were to witness the first such dialogue.

The teachers, seventy-year-old Kalu Rinpoche of Tibet, a veteran of years of solitary retreat, and the Zen master Seung Sahn, the first Korean Zen master to teach in the United States, were to test each other's understanding of the Buddha's teachings for the benefit of the onlooking Western students. This was to be a high form of what was being called _dharma_ combat (the clashing of great minds sharpened by years of study and meditation), and we were waiting with all the anticipation that such a historic encounter deserved. The two monks entered with swirling robes -- maroon and yellow for the Tibetan, austere grey and black for the Korean -- and were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with shaven heads. They settled onto cushions in the familiar cross-legged positions, and the host made it clear that the younger Zen master was to begin. The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (_mala_) with one hand while murmuring, _"Om mani padme hum"_ continuously under his breath.

The Zen master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, "Keep that don't know mind!" at them, reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. "What is this?" he demanded of the lama. "What is this?" This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given.

The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.

"What is this?" the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's nose.

Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk near to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: "Rinpoche says, 'What is the matter with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?"

The dialog progressed no further.

- Mark Epstein, Thoughts without a Thinker

My friend/teacher (I don't know if I can accurately call him either) is a monk from Tibet, and a bit of a prankster.

He has been in America for a few years and does normal American things but still keeps things fairly monastic...no drinking, no drugs, no sex, etc etc.

Recently, for a gift he received a flask. I'm not sure why! There was some story behind that and I've forgotten it, oh well.

He was getting a ride with his friend (who didn't know about the flask), and during the ride he started to take sips (of water) from the flask. His friend was shocked, she asked "Lobsang, what is that?" and he said "this? Oh it's just Vodka."

"Why are you drinking Vodka?"

"Oh, sometimes if I'm in a bad mood it helps me feel better"

And apparently his friend was just totally shocked, and was sort of tempted to be condeming, but was trying very hard just to stay somewhat diplomatic. She said "Well, there has to be something better for a bad mood!"

"Better? Like rum? Whiskey?"

"No!"

And this interaction went on a little bit and died out. Now, the funny thing is, he waited DAYS to tell her that it was just water! Another friend of his said "you really should tell her, she's probably worried about you!" And he was like oh yeah, right right.

--
The first time I hung out with him was after a class he taught where a woman came in and started harassing him with somewhat innapropriate questions. I said "so how did you feel about that woman who came in and was really giving you a hard time?"

He said, with a completely straight face, "Oh I got very angry."

my friend and I: "For real?!?"

He said "Nope! I don't get angry."

A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

***

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

***

And finally,...

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.

Hah! You got a guffaw out of me.

I dont get that joke...

Okay, now the worst joke like...ever, told by my husband.

Q. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A. Make me one with everything.

Hah! You got a guffaw out of me.