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Written October 28, 2009

(Meant to be both humorous and helpful twisted )

Sometimes in my spare time, out of shear boredom, I’ll stop at a car dealership and look at cars. For a lot of people, looking at cars is a pain in the d**k. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t really have any intention of buying a car in the near future. My car is still alive and kicking a**. But just in case it decides to tell me, “Well John, see you on the other side.” and blows up, it’s nice to have an idea about what kind of cars are out there. That way if you need a car now, it isn’t as hard to make a decision on one in a pinch.
There are some rules you should follow when shopping for cars at dealerships:

Rule #1: The price is always negotiable.

Don’t be fooled. Even when a price tag says, “firm”, a test drive should fix that real quick.

Rule #2: Never ask for the keys for a test drive.

Asking to take a car for a test drive says to the car salesman, “I have money and I want to spend it now.” Let the salesman (or woman) offer you the keys. And when they do offer you a test drive, hesitate. If you look like you have to think about taking it for a test drive, the salesman now feels the need to think, and put effort into bullshitting you.

Rule #3: If you have an argument with a car salesman, you actually know more than the car salesman, because the car salesman has taken a portion of their brain, and flushed it down the toilet.

In Truro, there are three car dealers within shouting distance of one another. All three of them have Hyundai Accents. My dad got his 2003 Accent for $3,700 in November 2008. Keep in mind that it’s now a model year older. Standard transmission (automatics are more expensive), four doors (four doors are also more expensive) and zero power options (nough said).

When I got to the first dealer, they had a 2004 two door Accent with a standard transmission. 60,000 kilometres, shitty aftermarket stereo, the battery was dead, the hood was open in a rain storm, and we had to push start it to get it moving. $6,500.

The second dealer had a 2004 Accent. Standard transmission, four doors, no power options. The same car as the one my dad has but a year newer. $10,000. Once I told the guy that my price range was no higher than $5,000, and that’s if my Sable were to explode, he said, “Well how about $8,000?”

The third car was another 2004 Accent. Four doors, automatic transmission, 38,000 kilometres, and rust forming on the back of the rocker panels in three spots. The guy offered me the keys, and I got to take it for a drive. There was a vibration in the right front, and in the gas pedal, probably from a tire out of balance. And when I started the car, there was a quiet scuffing noise that went away after it was warmed up. $9,400. Once again, I told the guy my limit was $5,000. Then he asked me if I was willing to spend $6,500, I guess because he doesn’t understand the word, “limit.” At that point, why even bother putting a price on the car. The ******** car was never even rust checked in a province where we think it’s a good idea to salt the roads in winter. Why not just say, “$9,400 if you’re an idiot, $6,500 if you’re not an idiot, but we’re gonna try to rip you off anyway.

Rule #4: What do YOU want? What the salesman thinks you want is irrelevant.

Know what you’re looking for in a car. The next car I get after my Sable has kicked the bucket is going to have a:
- Four cylinder engine
- Standard transmission (preferably)
- Four doors
- Get no less than 45 miles per gallon
- Be no more than five years old
- Be under $5,000
- Not be an obvious piece of rusty s**t
- And sure as hell NOT designed by any company owned by General Motors and built in Mexico or China.

Don’t get me wrong, I like doing body work. But I’ll be damned if I have to immediately do a bunch of body work to a car to put a safety sticker on it. Unless I decided to buy a car for $500.

Rule #5: Don’t treat people selling their car in their own driveway like car salesmen.

I’m sure you pass by them all the time; cars on the property of their owners with a for sale sign on them (also known as a private sale). These people for whatever reason have decided to sell their own cars. If you’re genuinely interested in their car, don’t treat them like a car salesman. Save the snarky negotiating for the people working at the dealerships. They’re the ones who deserve it. So if you’re looking at a car at someone’s home, don’t point out every dent the car has, every rust spot, every noise, and don’t make an insulting offer. Be nice, be courteous, and if you want to make an offer that’s lower than what they’re asking, use discretion. Don’t offer $2,500 if they’re asking $5,000. That’s a real good way to get kicked in the nuts.

Rule #6: Don’t bother with douche bag private sales.

On kijiji.ca, I come across douche bags selling their cars all the time.

1993 Mazda protégé. I painted it pink cause I’m a ricer wannabe douche bag. There’s a carbon fibre wing on the back cause I’m a tool. I did such a shitty job of painting over the rust, that the metal is bubbling like a witches stew. Only has 350,000 kilometers on the car. I replaced the engine twice cause I drive the s**t out of it. I want $8,000 for it. But I’m gonna raise the price by a few hundred dollars each time I fix something. Eventually I might decide not to sell it.

I honestly did see an advertisement like that once. Although I had to use my “ricer douche bag to English” dictionary and translate it for you. Don’t bother contacting these pricks. They’re worse than car salesmen.

Rule #7: If you’re selling your own car, don’t put up with any bullshit.

Here’s the jist of it. If someone sees your advertisement for a car that you posted, and contacts you asking if you’d take something shitty like a digital camera for a trade, ignore them.

Rule #8: Shop around.

Look at advertisements on kijiji, and shop around for private sales and dealerships. This will help you determine what the price of any given car you’re looking at should be. Even go so far as to print off some car advertisements to bring with you so when you show em to a car salesman, they shut their ********’ mouth and think to themselves, “********, now what?!”

Rule #9: If there is no price tag on a car, then it’s not for sale.

Generally when you pull into a car dealership lot, you should see a price tag in one of the windows. However, there are some car dealers who don’t bother with price tags, and the only way to get any
information on the car is to wait for one of those greedy ******** to walk outside and talk to you. I guess because there’s a price tag shortage in the car sales world. But, a lot of car dealers will put a tiny yellow sticker in a corner of the windshield that lists the Make of the car (Ford, Chevrolet, Dodge, etc…), Model (Fusion, Cobalt, Avenger, etc…), Model Year, and color. You know, because people who go shopping are colorblind. Far be it for a sales sticker to tell you something useful like how many kilometres are on the car.

Rule #10: Never pay the destination charge.

New cars come with a price tag that lists every major expense taken into account when making up the price for a car. One of these is a destination charge. These days it’s around $1,500. In reality, that’s bullshit. The destination charge is the car dealer’s way of saying, “Can we have more money?”

Let me put this into perspective for you. Say I want to buy a 2009 Hyundai Accent and it was manufactured in Los Angeles, California. With the price of gas in Nova Scotia around $1.05 per liter, I can make it about 600 kilometres with my 1995 Mercury Sable on about $50. From Hantsport, Nova Scotia to Los Angeles, California, is about 5,951 kilometres. Fuel is also cheaper in the United States than in Canada, and with driving on nothing but highways, I can go farther on less money. I’ll stick to Nova Scotia prices though. At $50 dollars and 600 kilometres per tank, I’d need about $450 to make it there. Not to mention if I didn’t want the Sable anymore, I could trade it in and get that $450 back (though I know damn well that car is worth closer to $800). So I’d basically have a free ride there, and 2009 Hyundai Accents are rated for around 50 miles per gallon. So I’d estimate that I’d be able to drive closer to 900 kilometres on $50. So that’s about five and a half tanks of gas, and it would cost about $275 for a return trip home. So ******** the $1,500 destination charge, I’d rather go pick up the car myself.

Rule #11: Don’t pay extra for power options.

Don’t ******** pay extra for shitty power options. Once your car is as old as mine, most of them don’t work anyway. Long story short, only my right rear lock works on the power lock switch, neither of the rear windows open anymore, and the air conditioning stopped working a few years ago. Honestly, I don’t give a flying ******** about my power options, but it would be nice to be able to open all four windows in my car, rather than just the front two. But I don’t even give a flying ******** about those either. So in the future, ******** car TVs, ******** car fridges, ******** digital interior and exterior thermometers, and ******** exterior cameras. If you’re such a shitty driver, that you don’t even know where the back of your car is when you’re backing up, maybe you shouldn’t be driving in the first place, so snap your license in half, and buy a bicycle.

Rule #12: "Dealer maintained" is likely a bad thing. (Updated on November 7, 2009)

When a car dealer says the car was dealer maintained, that means they washed it, and added windshield washer fluid. Don't let the dealer pull the, "We do a 150 point inspection on all our vehicles before we sell them". That's as bad as the people who say a used car was "reconditioned" or "refurbished". All of these terms are fancy ways of saying the car was washed with a hose, vacumed out, and some idiot added windshield washer fluid.

When it's a private sale and the owner says it's been dealer maintained, it means that most, if not all, the work they had done to the car was probably done at a car dealer where the people working on it barely had a grasp of how to change the spark plugs in under 15 hours (for those of you who don't know much about cars, I can do the spark plugs on my car in about an hour in my driveway). I'll give you an idea of what "dealer maintained" means when the car is under warranty.

A friend of my dad bought a brand new 2009 Chevrolet Silverado truck. To this day it has about 3,000 kilometers on it. Now this is a driver who babies just about anything he drives, so he is by no means driving it like he stole it. Anyway, a little while ago his new truck had a rough shift. So he got a little worried, and took it back to the dealer to have a look at it. The dealer said nothing was wrong with it, and sent him on his way. Then as he drove it more over time, he got more rough shifts from the transmission. He brought it back, and told the dealer that he thinks the transmission fluid might be burned (transmission fluid starts out light red, and if it gets dark dark red, you're screwed). The dealer told him they thought it was an electrical problem. So then the mechanics at the dealer took it for a drive and by the time it got back, the shitty GM built truck was barely pulling itself around in second gear. Upon further inspection, the mechanics at the dealer told him that NOW they thought the transmission fluid was burned. They also said they were suprised because they'd never seen one of these transmissions fail. Then they told him as per the warranty that instead of pulling out the broken transmission and putting a NEW transmission in his NEW truck, they were gonna pull out the broken one, and rebuild it.

Great, so not only would GM not let him go to a reputable transmission repair shop that may have been working on transmissions for years and years and years, but now they're gonna have two dealer mechanics who admitted to never seeing a broken transmission before NOT putting a NEW transmission in his NEW truck, but instead they are going to attempt to put a broken rebuilt transmission in his NEW truck. Way to go General Motors (Chevrolet). After all these years of people getting madder and madder at you because your cars and trucks are notorious for sucking, you spend all of your two months in bankrupsy protection harping on how great your warranty is going to be, only to put a screw job on someone who spent a lot of money purchasing one of their NEW trucks. No wonder so many people are still mad at you.

My dad's friend told him that when he gets his NEW truck back from having the transmission repaired, that if he has anymore problems with it, he's gonna sell it and buy a Toyota.

Rule #13: Don't buy a car if the engine and/or transmission has been rebuilt or replaced. (Updated November 8, 2009)

Refer to Rule #12. Apart from moron dealers doing work to the engine and transmission, you never know what you're getting with a car where major powertrain work has been done.

Rule #14: Never walk into the dealership.

Always wait for the salespeople to come outside to talk to you. If you walk inside the dealership, you're more likely to get the "shake everyone's hand" and "hey, lets sharpen our pencils" bs. (Updated December 11, 2009)

Rule #15: Understand the lingo of car advertisements.

This car won't last: I'm lying to myself about how great the price is.
Needs paint: Paint needed to cover rust.
Beautiful new paint: Beautifully covers rust.
Rare model: Only 500,000 were made. Can I have more money?
Extreamly rare model: Good luck finding parts.
Family owned: Driven by 6 teenagers.
Only driven on sundays: Sunday is race day.
Loaded with options: I want more money. Some options are broken.
Needs minor work to pass inspection: It's BROKEN! (Updated January 29, 2010)

In closing, only chumps pay sticker price at car dealerships, and if you’re one of those idiots that think we should junk our old cars to help stimulate the bankrupt, poorly managed auto industry by buying a new car, take a pencil, and jam it in your ear.

Didn't think I could swear that much, didja? xd

Very good advice yes.

I went to look at a 2003 Monte Carlo SS after my escort got totaled and it was forsale for 6995 and I told the guy I was not looking to spend more than 6 grand after taxes and reg. He said he could do that with this car. I left and never came back. If they are like that obviously the want it gone and it just didnt seem right.

My father has been in the automotive business for many many years and has worked for chrysler and ford. When I decided that my next vehicle was only going to be a newer cherokee, he said okay Im going with you, I know everything about those vehicles. So I looked at a bunch of cherokees and found the one I ended up buying and it was originally forsale for $3500 which to start was a great deal anyway.

The guys mistake was he said before we even saw it that 3500 was just a number. We got there checked it out test drove it wrote every issue down that would have needed to be addressed. Got a parts list and called a shop and asked the shop how much it would be to get this work done and they said a little over a $1000 after already spending 500 on parts.. Went back to guy and started lowball offers and he he ended up taking 2800. Spent about 300 on parts total and took it to a friend and got that $1000 labor charge down to $80.

Needless to say, you do the work yourself if it breaks. You will save a whole lot of trouble and plus I hate going to shops because I always feel like they are going to mess something up on purpose so they can fix it and charge me. I fix mine myself and will take it to my highly trusted friend mechanics shop to have him inspect it for me. And if something needs to be done that is way over my head, then I will take it there as I trust them and know all of the mechanics in the shop.

My father is very very helpful with this stuff along with my stepfather also as he has helped myself with my vehicles and shadow with his on multiple occasions.

Another fun fact from me.. I will never buy foreign cars, I hate honda and Im sorry if this offends you triple as you stated above.. but hyundai is the shittiest car company out there besides kia maybe. My friend had a hyundai and on the web it says the avg. hyundai shits out after about 100k miles and his literally died at 100,003 miles.. timing belt went and blew the motor.

Timing belts another issue with the foreign cars like hyundai and honda.. if you dont change them routinely and they break the motor is done and will need to be rebuilt as all the rods get bent.. pistons get messed up etc.. timing belt went on my escort while my bro was driving it. Spent 1/2 hr in a parking lot and $15 on a new belt and it was running fine again because it was a non interference motor.

eek End Rant

So am I I will never buy a vehicle from them.. I had an oldsmobile as my first car and liked it but hated the brakes. Every GM vehicle I have driven has had terrible brakes. I like Chevy on the track and it ends there. FORD and my JEEP is where my heart lies.

Dealers tend to have wickid a** substandard service. It's a crime that auto manufactureres don't let you go to places that specialize in certian things.

I don't care for GM(Government Motors) anymore now that pontiac was dropped. But really i am indifferent to most manufacturers. I don't like dodge. I like Pontiac and i like certian Mazda and Subaru Models.