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 Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 10:26 am
As I am not fully comfortable posting my original work on the internet (because who knows if I may one day be able to get any of it published) all I will do right now is post an excerpt, basically the first part, of my current original story Wind Bird.
But first a little bit of background on this project: This story was originally written back in middle school, which was give-or-take seven or eight years ago. I was inspired by several sources when I got the story idea. However, I never finished it, stopping at a terrible cliff-hanger. Many years later, after having looked back at the story countless times during those years, I decided during my Senior year in high school that I'd attempt to rewrite it. And so I did, and I've been working on it now for over a year, almost two.
The story takes place in a fantasy world of a single ocean dotted by tropical islands. The main character is a member of a bird-like race called the Chiro, and his people worship the god of wind and sky. Other deities inhabit this world.
Now, the writing style may seem pretty simple in this first part. Basically, I see it as a story that would appeal to people of many ages, so the readability is kept universal, though later on it gets more vivid and detailed as the plot develops.
Anyway, enough of my rambling, here is the very first part of Chapter One:
Quote: Young Nalo glided on the breeze, soaring over the tall cliffs of Kailani Island without a care in the world. Feathered wings sprouted from outstretched arms, his taloned feet hanging behind him. A fanned-out tail helped the young bird-like Chiro as he swooped through the clear, azure sky, tipping his wings as he let the invisible current carry him on his leisurely flight. For a moment, Nalo closed his emerald-green eyes, a content smile on his short beak.
When he finally opened them a second later, the canopy of a fruit-bearing tree zoomed into his acute vision, and Nalo’s fluttering heart skipped a beat. He reacted fast, banking to the left to steer himself away from the entangling branches, only to find himself flying straight for another tall tree. Again, he tried to veer out of the way, but he was going too fast and lost control, crashing clumsily to the sandy earth below.
When Nalo regained his bearings, he pushed himself off the ground with trembling arms, dusting off his blue tunic and wiping sand from his beak. Nalo felt his face turn red with shame, embarrassment, and frustration. This was not the first time he had lost control while out flying. On the contrary, Nalo had seemed to have lost track of how many times he had crashed since he first earned his wings. The truth was, Nalo was not the best flyer; he usually had a difficult time keeping up with other Chiro his own age, and he had yet to master riding the air currents.
The other Fledglings of Kailani Island made certain Nalo would never for-get that. Even the ones who had their own trouble wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of him, calling him names and making jeering remarks behind his back. And he hated it.
But out of all of them, one young Chiro was the worst. His name was Keanu, and he and his band of ruffians would take any chance they got to make Nalo’s life miserable. Keanu didn’t seem to have any real reason to bully him, only that he enjoyed it. There were several occasions when Nalo had bruises to prove Keanu’s unfounded cruelty.
“Out flying again, Nalo?” a kind voice inquired, and he turned with a start.
“Oh, it’s just you, Lani,” Nalo said with a gentle smile, relaxing considerably.
Standing before him was Lani, a female Chiro his age with crystal-clear sapphire-blue eyes and a warm smile. She wore an ankle-length dress in deep crimson and short sleeves, embroidered with elaborate stitching and designs. In Chiro culture, colors such as red, black, and purple denoted nobility, and it was no secret that Lani was of such lineage – Her father was the right-hand-man and personal assistant and confidant of the Chiro tribe’s aging chieftain, Kalani.
“So, Nalo,” Lani began, running a slender finger over one of the strings of the harp-like instrument she cradled in her arm, “have you gotten any progress?”
Nalo rolled his eyes, scratching his feathered head. “Are you kidding?” he said with an embarrassed and slightly sheepish grin. “You must have seen how badly I messed up!” His voice dropped a decibel as he added forlornly, “Keanu will definitely find a reason to laugh me into a hole today . . .”
Lani flicked her head to the side. “Well, we’ll just have to make sure Kea-nu doesn’t find out then, huh?” The smile on her beak widened, and she smoothed back the kal that was tied around her head, a headband-like garment that high-ranking Chiro wore.
Through Nalo’s eyes, Lani seemed so care-free, devoid of any troubles or concerns. That’s how it always seemed to be, and Nalo envied her.
“Well,” Lani added quickly, still smiling, “want to practice some more?”
Nalo shifted his taloned feet in the sand, considering the question for a moment. He then looked up at her, and he grinned. “Sure, Lani!” he said with a quick nod. “Let’s go!”
Lani returned the nod and, after slipping her harp into the special pouch behind her back, spread her wings and soared into the air. Nalo followed close in tow, and the two young Chiro spun and swooped and danced in the warm, clear blue sky.
And, for that moment in time, Nalo didn’t have a care in the world.
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Posted: Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:21 pm
I'm not sure what kind of comments you're looking for, but I'm writing my thoughts as I read, and I'll write some overall comments at the end. smile This is only my opinion, and I hope you can get something useful out of my thoughts. Quote: Young Nalo glided on the breeze, soaring over the tall cliffs of Kailani Island without a care in the world. "without a care in the world" is both a very common saying and a vague one. It doesn't tell us anything about Nalo specifically. Particularly at the beginning, I feel that specifics about characters are good for drawing in the reader. I also personally don't like the "young" in this sentence, simply because it distances me from him. Quote: Feathered wings sprouted from outstretched arms, The "sprouted" makes it sound like they're physically sprouting from him as I read. his taloned feet hanging behind him. A fanned-out tail helped the young bird-like Chiro as he swooped through the clear, azure sky, tipping his wings as he let the invisible current carry him on his leisurely flight. For a moment, Nalo closed his emerald-green eyes, a content smile on his short beak. I think you could do with cutting some of your adjectives and adverbs here. For example, we know air currents are invisible, so it's an extra word that isn't adding anything. Description is good since he's clearly some kind of bird and we need to have a sense of what he looks like-- but even with all of this, I don't have a good picture of him. Is he basically a bird? Besides the arms, does he have any traits that are not bird-like? Does he have hands/are his arms functional? This beginning also feels repetitive, since you've said twice that he's young, and we assume his flight is leisurely because he's feeling carefree. Quote: When he finally opened them a second later, the canopy of a fruit-bearing tree zoomed into his acute vision, This feels like an awkward way to say his vision is good. and Nalo’s fluttering heart skipped a beat. He reacted fast, banking to the left to steer himself away from the entangling branches, only to find himself flying straight for another tall tree. Again, he tried to veer out of the way, but he was going too fast and lost control, crashing clumsily to the sandy earth below. The word canopy brings to mind the tops of many trees, the forest "roof" so to speak, not the top of a single tree. I could be wrong, but I've never heard it used that way. Doesn't he know better than to close his eyes while flying through a forest? I also had the impression he was flying over cliffs, not through trees. Quote: When Nalo regained his bearings, he pushed himself off the ground with trembling arms, dusting off his blue tunic and wiping sand from his beak. Nalo felt his face turn red with shame, embarrassment, and frustration. This was not the first time he had lost control while out flying. On the contrary, Nalo had seemed to have lost track of how many times he had crashed since he first earned his wings. The truth was, Nalo was not the best flyer; he usually had a difficult time keeping up with other Chiro his own age, and he had yet to master riding the air currents. I'm not sure I understand this part. As I read it, he lost control because he closed his eyes, not because he can't fly well. I'm sure you explain this later, but when I got to this part I was wondering why he had to earn his wings if he has a tail, beak, talons, etc. Are the wings not a natural part of him? Do they attach somehow? Quote: The other Fledglings of Kailani Island made certain Nalo would never for-get forget that. Even the ones who had their own trouble wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of him, calling him names and making jeering remarks behind his back. And he hated it. I think this is a good example of where dramatizing these events would really bring this story to life. Don't skip over the emotional parts! Right now, you have a happy character who has a little accident, but no one even saw it, and then you summarize the bad things people say to him. But I want to hear those things! I want to hear the kind of insults a group of bird-kids would fling at each other, get insight into their culture! Instead, what if you start with him trying to master the currents and failing, and show the reactions of the other young Chiro through dialogue. This would help you establish Nalo's character as he reacts to their taunts, and it would give him a reason to care about his performance while flying. It would also introduce other characters through dialogue and action, rather than narrative summary. As it is, I didn't have any suspicion he wasn't good at flying because the details all suggested it was a relaxed and carefree flight-- nothing indicated he crashes all the time. I'm going to stop here and suggest that this is simply rewritten from a different angle. Lani's kindness would be emphasized even more if she came to talk to Nalo after he was shown being bullied. Right now, Nalo simply has a fall, talks to Lani, then gets back into the air and has another nice flight with a nice, pretty girl. We gather that Nalo would like to fly better, but the bullying still feels abstract. I don't feel much of a connection to Nalo, and I think it would help to show him facing adversity, or interacting a bit more rather than flying alone and falling. Overall, I like what I've seen of the setting. I think your species is interesting, and I could get into that. And so far I don't know enough about the overall story to comment on that. But anyway, I think this is a good draft, but still needs work. I think starting it at a different point would help a lot, and not skipping over things that would be a lot more fun if they were dramatized (something I've had problems with as well).
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Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 6:47 am
Racheling I'm not sure what kind of comments you're looking for, but I'm writing my thoughts as I read, and I'll write some overall comments at the end. smile This is only my opinion, and I hope you can get something useful out of my thoughts. Quote: Young Nalo glided on the breeze, soaring over the tall cliffs of Kailani Island without a care in the world. "without a care in the world" is both a very common saying and a vague one. It doesn't tell us anything about Nalo specifically. Particularly at the beginning, I feel that specifics about characters are good for drawing in the reader. I also personally don't like the "young" in this sentence, simply because it distances me from him. Quote: Feathered wings sprouted from outstretched arms, The "sprouted" makes it sound like they're physically sprouting from him as I read. his taloned feet hanging behind him. A fanned-out tail helped the young bird-like Chiro as he swooped through the clear, azure sky, tipping his wings as he let the invisible current carry him on his leisurely flight. For a moment, Nalo closed his emerald-green eyes, a content smile on his short beak. I think you could do with cutting some of your adjectives and adverbs here. For example, we know air currents are invisible, so it's an extra word that isn't adding anything. Description is good since he's clearly some kind of bird and we need to have a sense of what he looks like-- but even with all of this, I don't have a good picture of him. Is he basically a bird? Besides the arms, does he have any traits that are not bird-like? Does he have hands/are his arms functional? This beginning also feels repetitive, since you've said twice that he's young, and we assume his flight is leisurely because he's feeling carefree. Quote: When he finally opened them a second later, the canopy of a fruit-bearing tree zoomed into his acute vision, This feels like an awkward way to say his vision is good. and Nalo’s fluttering heart skipped a beat. He reacted fast, banking to the left to steer himself away from the entangling branches, only to find himself flying straight for another tall tree. Again, he tried to veer out of the way, but he was going too fast and lost control, crashing clumsily to the sandy earth below. The word canopy brings to mind the tops of many trees, the forest "roof" so to speak, not the top of a single tree. I could be wrong, but I've never heard it used that way. Doesn't he know better than to close his eyes while flying through a forest? I also had the impression he was flying over cliffs, not through trees. Quote: When Nalo regained his bearings, he pushed himself off the ground with trembling arms, dusting off his blue tunic and wiping sand from his beak. Nalo felt his face turn red with shame, embarrassment, and frustration. This was not the first time he had lost control while out flying. On the contrary, Nalo had seemed to have lost track of how many times he had crashed since he first earned his wings. The truth was, Nalo was not the best flyer; he usually had a difficult time keeping up with other Chiro his own age, and he had yet to master riding the air currents. I'm not sure I understand this part. As I read it, he lost control because he closed his eyes, not because he can't fly well. I'm sure you explain this later, but when I got to this part I was wondering why he had to earn his wings if he has a tail, beak, talons, etc. Are the wings not a natural part of him? Do they attach somehow? Quote: The other Fledglings of Kailani Island made certain Nalo would never for-get forget that. Even the ones who had their own trouble wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of him, calling him names and making jeering remarks behind his back. And he hated it. I think this is a good example of where dramatizing these events would really bring this story to life. Don't skip over the emotional parts! Right now, you have a happy character who has a little accident, but no one even saw it, and then you summarize the bad things people say to him. But I want to hear those things! I want to hear the kind of insults a group of bird-kids would fling at each other, get insight into their culture! Instead, what if you start with him trying to master the currents and failing, and show the reactions of the other young Chiro through dialogue. This would help you establish Nalo's character as he reacts to their taunts, and it would give him a reason to care about his performance while flying. It would also introduce other characters through dialogue and action, rather than narrative summary. As it is, I didn't have any suspicion he wasn't good at flying because the details all suggested it was a relaxed and carefree flight-- nothing indicated he crashes all the time. I'm going to stop here and suggest that this is simply rewritten from a different angle. Lani's kindness would be emphasized even more if she came to talk to Nalo after he was shown being bullied. Right now, Nalo simply has a fall, talks to Lani, then gets back into the air and has another nice flight with a nice, pretty girl. We gather that Nalo would like to fly better, but the bullying still feels abstract. I don't feel much of a connection to Nalo, and I think it would help to show him facing adversity, or interacting a bit more rather than flying alone and falling. Overall, I like what I've seen of the setting. I think your species is interesting, and I could get into that. And so far I don't know enough about the overall story to comment on that. But anyway, I think this is a good draft, but still needs work. I think starting it at a different point would help a lot, and not skipping over things that would be a lot more fun if they were dramatized (something I've had problems with as well).
So I guess I now need to find out how to start the new opening. The first few sentences of any story are always hard to do, as you probably know. sweatdrop And I guess that it is a good thing I've never posted anything of this story (besides this opening) online, otherwise people would see sudden changes occurring.
Oh, and to clarify on some things, the race that Nalo is look like this: http://moyayuki.deviantart.com/art/Chiro-sketches-info-148026285 So, yeah, they basically do look like birds, only they have arms with hands, walk like humans, and are the same dimensions as humans (though maybe a bit shorter).
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Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:19 am
I hope I wasn't too discouraging-- sometimes I hesitate to suggest major rewrites, I know it's intimidating for someone to say "Okay, now start over." xp But I do like a lot of things about this! I think I have a bad habit of picking at things and forgetting to say the good things as often. And of course you should do what feels right to you, whether that means changing or not changing things.
I do know how hard beginnings are to get right, and generally I wait until it's all done to go back and really tear up the beginning. Sometimes it's easier that way since you know what happens later and can set things up. (It still doesn't help the issue of changes that affect a bunch of stuff later, that can still be a pain.)
I like your drawing, by the way!
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Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:37 pm
Racheling I hope I wasn't too discouraging-- sometimes I hesitate to suggest major rewrites, I know it's intimidating for someone to say "Okay, now start over." xp But I do like a lot of things about this! I think I have a bad habit of picking at things and forgetting to say the good things as often. And of course you should do what feels right to you, whether that means changing or not changing things. I do know how hard beginnings are to get right, and generally I wait until it's all done to go back and really tear up the beginning. Sometimes it's easier that way since you know what happens later and can set things up. (It still doesn't help the issue of changes that affect a bunch of stuff later, that can still be a pain.) I like your drawing, by the way!
And, yeah, I guess it wouldn't hurt to wait till I finish the story before revising the opening. I tried to write down another way to start the opening today, though, in a notebook while at school. I didn't get much because, yes, beginnings are hard. sweatdrop
Just to hear your opinion, here is what I've written so far:Quote: The wind that blew around [the limestone cliffs of] Kailani Island was perfect for flying. That is, for anyone who was good at it. Nalo, for one, wasn't one of these. And now, standing on a tall precipice with a dozen eyes watching his every move, Nalo was all too aware of this fact. Like the rest of his race, the Chiro, Nalo had a bird-like tail, beak, legs, and feet, and wings that were attached to human-like arms. He was a Fledgling, meaning he was not yet on the doorstep of adulthood. "C'mon, Nalo!" the voice of the onlooking Fledglings jeered from behind him. "Show us all how you can fly!" Nalo was not comforted. These Fledglings knew well he was still a rusty flier, and their words were not meant to be supportive.
And thanks about the drawing. I like to draw as much as (perhaps more than) I like to write. smile
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Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 2:56 pm
I can relate more to the newer excerpt, I think you're on the right track with it. I already feel more of a connection with Nalo, and I think there's more of a risk here (of failing in front of witnesses). If you like it, run with it and see what happens, the worst that happens is you stick with what you had. smile
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