For the first time since she’d been told about her abilities, who she was, and what her supposed sworn duties were, Sailor Saiph felt sick at heart. As soon as she and Nerissa had gotten away from the crowd, she’d gotten away from Nerissa without anything more than a gruff nod of thanks. And just as quickly, she’d checked to be sure no one saw her before powering down. And once Gabbie Ivanovich stood where Sailor Saiph had, Gabbie Ivanovich promptly lost the contents of her stomach. Kneeling in the bushes at the far, far end of the park, away from all the people who’d circled and gawked at her while she’d fought, Gabbie sobbed brokenly. She didn’t feel like a hero. Playing in vivid color and clarity within her minds eye, she saw Hematite’s body sucked into the whirlpool, saw it spat back out. Broken and bloody. And… dead? No, she shook her head violently, then paused to heave some more as the injudicious movement woke up the throbbing pain in her skull.

Once her stomach finished rebelling, she wiped a shaky hand across her mouth and sat shaking. She knew her own attack could seriously hurt people. But she used it anyway to defend herself and others. She’d used it against Tanzanite and Hematite. But Tanzanite had still been moving, trying to attack in spite of her injuries. And Hematite had been trying to get away. Okay, he’d been two seconds away from killing her, but even then, she’d only wanted to just beat him down enough to where she could get away. If he’d just walked away when she’d first confronted him… I would have let him go, her mind wailed. Was the boy dead, she wondered, tears pricking her eyes. There’d been so much blood and he hadn’t been moving. Was this what it meant to be a Senshi? Was what that ******** whirlpool did to Hematite something that Tail Thrash would do as she grew stronger?

It was one thing to say that there was a war going on, that people like Hematite were the bad guys. Yes, he would have killed her without a second thought. Wouldn’t have felt a twinge of remorse. Maybe, she thought. Maybe that’s what makes us different from them. I feel like a monster and I’m not even the one who cast the attack that hurt that boy so much. And he had really only been a boy. Her age or a little older.

Gabbie’s mouth twisted in distaste. No matter what way she positioned her thoughts, she couldn’t get over the idea that somehow, as a Senshi, she wasn’t much better than Hematite at the moment. And for one wild moment, she wanted nothing more than to ask him for forgiveness, to explain that she would have let him walk away. Holding shaking hands up in front of her face, she studied them. Someday, if she kept on as a Senshi, she would have someone else’s blood, someone else’s life on her hands. Could she live with that? There were always deaths in a war. But did that mean she had to contribute to them?

And then, another memory blossomed up, seeing Alkaid at the mercy of Tanzanite. Seeing her die by inches at the hands of someone who had clearly been enjoying herself. That b***h would have killed Alkaid without turning a hair. If we hadn’t gotten away, I would have had to kill her. But at least, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

Too much to think about, to worry and beat herself up over. She had to find a mental and emotional safe harbor. She needed to figure out the wheres and whys and hows before she was forced to fight again. It might be honorable to badly injure or kill an enemy. She wasn’t entirely sure on that point. But she knew it was far less honorable to allow someone to die because she had neglected her duties. Because she hadn’t acted. Build from that, Gabs, she thought. Just… go home and try to figure this s**t out. Or better yet. Worry about it after you’ve had a hot bath and about 12 hours worth of sleep.