Had a few self-revelations recently. I found out that despite everything, I have little to no self-confidence, and have been working on fixing that. I've been a lot happier, a lot less freaked out about stupid things, and ... overall? Just doing a lot of thinking. Making a lot of realizations, things overall have made so much more sense.
I am sorry for not being around but I've lost my tolerance for things that piss me off, and DO get angry over things now, so being here, seeing how people treat each other, I can't really handle it. I miss the good times, the amusing posts. I will miss a lot of you and that is probably why I haven't just outright quit.
I was going to take Nick's advice and just leave forever, never look back, but I have posted here, what, four years now? I can't just do that. I've known you guys too long to just go, you deserve an update
and a chance to reach me if possible.
Anyway, I have pretty much gone through life just assuming that people were being nice or humoring me. It always took a lot for me to call somebody my friend; I didn't want to be like "o ya my friend so-and-so" and have so-and-so give me this awful look because pfft, like we're friends. So I blow off a lot of stuff on the internet as just that, too. SO. I probably just assumed most of you only tolerated me and never really cared. (Which I know now is wrong, and which is why I am making this post in the first place. If I really thought none of you cared I'd be long gone.)
Slowly realizing that when people say that I am a good person, they do mean it. >>
Even my two breakups, I did the dumping. I feel really bad now, worse than I did at the time even, because to me? I knew they loved me but I always thought that they could find somebody better and probably knew that themselves. To me, I never thought that what they were going through could possibly be a big loss. And I don't know if I should apologize for doing things so poorly because even if it hurt me, I didn't really see it hurting them all that much. Like I was no big deal. I am starting to realize that it probably hurt them even more to act so nonchalant about it. I did hurt really bad, inwardly, but I don't express it. That day, waking up to realize you're not in love anymore, DOES hurt, and I experience it alone because I don't want to tell anybody. I know people care but I could never bring myself to share that or make somebody worry about me. (Alternatively, I probably just assumed they had more important things to deal with. Yeah, I'm gonna be working on this, too.)
I kinda feel like I should apologize to Travis, specifically. Except I don't want to come across like I want or need pity. I just feel like I should explain my actions a little better. It's not that I didn't care. I just kind of had convinced myself that he didn't care as much as he did, so it wasn't so bad. I wasn't intentionally insensitive.
..The creepy ******** at work, the guy who stalked me, and the 53-year-old that told me he would have sex with me, saw the lack of self-confidence. They saw that I was just some scared little girl behind a cash register and they preyed on that. Hoped that my standards were low enough to jump on the chance of having sex or something, knew that I didn't think much of myself. :/
I guess I always sorta knew that they could see that in me but I never realized how bad it really was!
And all them problems I had with WoW were from that. woohoo.
Never wanting to speak my mind, also partially - being so nice, came from all of that. :I I knew when to hold my tongue because I didn't wanna go AGAINST it, lol not being worth the effort or anything.. I dunno, it's kinda convoluted and stupid.
But yeah.
I learned how to speak my mind a bit more from Nick. I'm sure you all remember how he was here, and of course when he sees something he disagrees with, he's gonna say. ******** that. >> And I agreed with him and tried to do it more. Just sorta failed at it.
Also, with him being nothing but wonderful to me, when I crashed into that self-doubt crap, wondering if anybody ever really cared, etc. It was sort of like, that rock. Man he really does care about me. I was really able to stay sane enough and stable enough to fiiinally recognize this problem.
I mean, yeah, I know you guys all care. But he has really sat there, been there through so much, DONE so much, just to be with me. It helped open my eyes to how fkn crazy I really am. :I was.
So yeah Addy's all better now. :] (At least working on getting better.) She realizes that she's not some random girl and that she can be pretty amazing. Is pretty amazing. Sometimes. xD
I'm not really fishing for compliments, I don't really WANT it, honestly. So please don't be like "omg addy ur beautiful and wonderful why would you ever think that" - 'cause, I don't know, I have no idea, DON'T QUESTION ME. >:C
I just need to remember to remind myself about all the great people I know and appreciate me. Because yeah. I am not just some random person nobody gives a s**t about. Really, seriously, every personal issue I've had in quite a while, it all stems back to a lack of self-confidence, and a lot of things that have happened lately have really shown me that I have been dead wrong about myself. So I am constantly reminding myself of these things. Yes, I am ******** awesome. With a ******** awesome boyfriend and a lot of ******** awesome friends.
Anyway. Only really posting this because, I realize that you guys do care. Some of you, at least. And that a lot of you consider me to be a friend, and hell, I consider a lot of you guys to be friends, too. And that just up and disappearing in such a weird part of my life and mental state was probably really ******** stupid.
I have been fine, I AM FINE, and I've just been spending lots of time in other places and playing games. In fact I'm going to play Borderlands now~ 8D
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