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Hey. I started writing this story about a year ago. I finally finished it I think. Kind of. I didn't do any editing and such, just finished it. I wanted to see what people think. I only joined this group today so forgive me if I can't post my work too soon but a bit I should let you know :

First of all, as I said I wrote this in a about a year or so.
The second, I'm a novice writer. I'm not really that good, but I don't think I'm bad.

My biggest flaw is about describing stuff. I suck at describing. However I just finished my favorite (and only finished book series) Sword Of Truth and that guy would go pages and pages and pages on a scenery alone.. Maybe I was just aiming to high, not reading anything else? (For anyone going "Oh god he didn't... did he?!" No. A paragraph, sometimes two. Rarely. Usualy less then one paragraph)

However, you'll notice my writing slowly improves if you read far enough (It's not that long) because of the time span it took.

Hmm. I like to jump POV characters. ALOT. It may be hard to tell who's the main character for a while. And I don't know if I did a good job giving each character a personal feel, but hey I try.

Hmm.. OH! The book mentions rape, (it hints that a bandit is going to rape, although it certainly never happens and only says "rape")
also there is excessive swearing. Like, ALOT. EEEP. So there's your warning. I could change it, if you think it's unneccecary but I strongly believe it helps define the few characters.
Also ALOT of violence. In detail. (Coloured for importance)

I'm not sure what else to say so i'll share a bit about the plot :
The story is about the downfall of mana, there is an academy of assassins who are on a quest - a quest to exterminate mages. They are going to cleanse the world. The story takes place shortly before the death of the last mage.

Anyways, I would like some feedback on a few things:
Characters. Original? Do they feel, like people? Or just bland...Writing?
Setting/describing. Can you visualize it good? I know I suck at writing descriptions but bear with me.
Story/plot. Does it capture your atention? Is it interesting?
Anything else you may want to share / any other tips/suggestions? Remember this isn't a final copy, that's why It's not in completed section. I may make changes and such.

Forgive me if this is a bad post/outline. It's my first time trying anything like this so show mercy? ^^
Also If I broke any rules (Which I don't think I did, i warned of the mature content and such.) let me know and I'll fix it.

Thank you for reading this long and pointless post.
Oh and before I forget, I have the story on an external site

http://thefallofmana.tumblr.com/page/52 (Yeah I know it says 52, but that's the first page. It's how the page is set up.)

Thank you for reading my post. No, you are not bothering me or boring me.
Well I'm not sure how incosistent it feels. I was hoping someone could tell me that, as to me it looks alright. But it's more so the readers that matter.
And also I'm not aware what I really would have to do for editing, I thought it was just incorperate advice given / make changes to the writing and such. Also given, I don't know for sure I improved but I just feel like I have, you know? I still feel like that level 10 noob in games who fight's in level 15 zones. Heh.
And thank you for offering to help me, by the way.


And as for the relationship to who stands at good/evil, well thats left to each reader to decide.
The three main assassins that it follows (Zael Eltis and Appxiz)(Note I didn't say main characters, I said I jump POV alot and in my eyes the main character isn't Zael) Are shown as, well, brutal, tough, badmouths, rude, ect. Yet loyal to their cause, a cause which they deem holy. Kinda a "I'll make the right choice, but it will be done my way" attitude.

Without spoiling anything, (as alot of stuff happens in such a short story, which reminds me of another problem I have; I think I rush things too fast.) One of the characters starts to question why magic is considered evil and unholy. He starts to wonder, can it really be evil? Magic cannot think, it is not alive. It just.. kind of exists. It is the user who determines what it does, it doesn't have a mind of it's own. It's an extension of yourself, merely a tool. Just like a sword.

I left it pretty open ended, so the reader can think about it if they so wish, but it doesn't really have a "bad" or "good" side. The mages are obviously fighting for their life, since the assassins believe they are doing holy work.
But yeah, take it to heart; I see lot's of deeper meaning potential / philosiphical.

Maybe it's not so obvious on all that deeper meaning stuff though.

You don't have to read the whole thing / it all at once razz (Although it's not too long)

And uh, how do I know when you're not tired? I'm guessing it wasn't really a request to remind you..

Page One: 'Breathe' and 'breath' are sometimes hard to keep apart, but remember that breathe is the verb and breath the noun. You used the verb as a noun.


When two separate sentences are connected this way, the comma is a semicolon. Remember, if the connected sentence can be its own sentence, it's a sentence.
"It was morning now, he was still wet from the rain the previous night." ---> "...now; he was still..."

"Is that a cave he sees? Maybe he can escape. Just maybe they won’t catch him in there." Remember to keep everything in past tense if it's in past tense. Notice how this string of sentences is in present. I also think these could be changed to better the cave-finding escape. Perhaps describing the actual cave instead of having this stream of questions?

If a tree falls is thrown into other trees and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Wait, how would throwing a tree and making a sound like THUNDER in a FOREST while being CHASED help in any way? Is he just frantic? I mean, so frantic that he can't think of the obvious tracks he's leaving?

"As he escaped the forest, looking up at the cliff before him." Fragment.

"Had he have time..." ---> "Had he had time"

"He stopped, and collapsed against the door. He sat starring into the darkness, back to the door." I'd already assumed his back was to the door, so there's no need to say it again. Remember that if you hold your reader's hand too much, they start to get annoyed.

You keep using two sentences in one without the semicolon. That seems to be your most glaring problem. It would probably be better to just separate them into individual sentences.

"His head was pounding.. His whole body ached.." Ellipses come in threes, and try not to overdo them. Have you ever heard Yuna from Final Fantasy X? She's a definite abuser.

"At the far end he saw small body of murky water, it wasn’t clear." If it's murky, isn't it a given that it's not clear?

"He was tired, he decided another quick rest wouldn’t hurt.
He woke up to a loud noise, it seemed to shake the tunnel. He felt a little dust and small rocks falling. NO! this isn’t good.. The cave shook, and the path he was going down caved in, with a loud crash.
He felt hopeless, now he was stuck. Maybe the other way had a way out?" I just... Wow, show, don't tell. Describe it. You're now you're just stating facts, and it's... I have no idea. You have a grasp of it, but you're not quite there in the area of description. Practice makes perfect! How about something more like, "He was tired. He decided another quick rest wouldn't hurt, and sat with his head against the cool stone. He woke some time late to a loud noise. The tunnel seemed to be shaking. He stood, and dust clogged his nose and mouth." See the difference?

Wow, this is why it takes me so long to read. Um, page two sometime? XD

I do that all the time. XD

I would love for you to say something about his pursuers hearing. XD



What does this mean?
It's not a complete sentence. The verb should be 'looked', as in: "As he escaped the forest, he looked up at the cliff before him."


"His head was pounding; his whole body ached"
Is correct.


Flavor? While it's not a good idea to remove it simply because you want to, you have to keep in mind what your readers would think of it.

It's your call. I for one don't actually hear that much cussing per day, and I live in a dorm. It depends on the situation. If you're worried about it, then you're the one who has to work with it to get what you want. ^^