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 Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:58 am
I've noticed that a few of you have some errors in the area of basic writing. Things such as capitalization, punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.
Further, some of you seem to need help with the general layout of your writing. We will move on to this later.
For now, please write and post a small paragraph, just a regular roleplay-like situation. I will go over it, highlight all the errors in red. Because of this, I will ask you not to color your text. We will discuss the problems, and then I will have you practice.
So right now, please post your short paragraph example.
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:53 pm
A strange dark aroma consumed Lillium as she watched the Devil exit. A staggered breath exited her lips as she wrapped her wings around herself like a caccoon, As if it might shield her from the truth. Hot tears fell down her cheeks as she thought silently Its all a lie...., How....How can i marry someone else if my hearts is battling nature itself.... Suddenly without warning the door slowly crept open. Her wings spread rather quickly but not fast enough to make her look desperate. Lillium looked up in hope it would be Hiku but only found her father at the door. " I see you have intruded yourself yourself to a prince....., But Not your prince..." He said bitterly as he closed the door. " I asked you only one thing!, That you would stay loyal and you could with a son..." He said crudely. Anger over welled lillium as she stood slowly " You have robbed me of my only comfort!" she screamed as he vision blurred and she ran out the door and down the hall until she found herself out the door.
I know I repeat the characters names a lot. I've been really trying hard to change that...
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:44 pm
xxxxxxxxxx▌ღ ▌ρℓєαʂє , ɱʏ ɳαɱє ιʂ Liana Emelina Claudiu .As Liana put everything down, she noticed a silent blue bird sitting on the outside of her windowsill. She smiled ever so slightly as she sat down, pulling a clean sheet of wax paper out of the back of the book. It was slightly crinkled from being in there so long, but it would do. Liana carefully started pouring, scooping, and sprinkling ingredients onto the wax paper, following the recipe for 'Flowery Musk' perfume. She knew she had made this one before, and it was actually written down in her own handwriting on the edge of the page. Obviously it was her own recipe, and not surprising, since it was so unique.
In the end there was a pile of powders with leaves and what-not sticking out. Making perfumes through witchcraft did relate quite a bit to potionry, but using potionry to make herself smell good was fine with Liana. However, it did take an intermediate level of magic skill to blend together, considering the scents made in this way were impossible to make with normal human ingredients.
[[ Another rp-ing example.. I hope I done it right ]]
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:58 pm
Quote: A strange dark aroma consumed Lillium as she watched the Devil exit. A staggered breath exited her lips as she wrapped her wings around herself like a caccoon, As if it might shield her from the truth. Hot tears fell down her cheeks as she thought silently(comma here) Its all a lie...., How....(space here)How can i marry someone else if my hearts is battling nature itself.... Suddenly without warning the door slowly crept open. Her wings spread rather quickly(comma here) but not fast enough to make her look desperate. Lillium looked up in hope (add 'that') it would be Hiku(comma here) but only found her father at the door. " I see you have intruded yourself yourself to a prince....., But Not your prince..." He said bitterly as he closed the door. " I asked you only one thing!,(colon here) That you would stay loyal and you could with a son..." He said crudely. Anger over welled lillium as she stood slowly(period here) "You have robbed me of my only comfort!" she screamed as he vision blurred and she ran out the door and down the hall until she found herself (add 'outside') out the door.
I know I repeat the characters names a lot. I've been really trying hard to change that... In Red:
1: Spelling error: cocoon.
2: Must be un-capitalized.
3: Remove comma.
4: Must be un-capitalized.
5: Must be un-capitalized.
6: Must be capitalized.
7: Remove letter 's'.
8: One period.
9: Spelling error: introduced.
10: Remove repeated word.
11: Remove comma.
12. Must be un-capitalized.
13. Must be un-capitalized.
14. Remove exclamation make.
15. Remove comma.
16. Must be un-capitalized.
17: (Underlined) Does it make sense?
18: Spelling error: overwhelmed.
19: Must be capitalized.
20: Must be capitalized.
21: Spelling error: her.
22: Remove 'out the door' - door was already used in the sentence.
Overall, your errors are mostly extra capitalized words and punctuation. When you're roleplaying, read over your writing before posting and watch out for mistakes like these.
Toph, try editing the following, and post it with mistakes in bold red.
Juneau skipped past the orchard Laughing like crazy her mother grumbled on behind her abot manners. the girl didnt care though, as she chased butterflys and picked an Apple from one of the trees. "i don't care care" The blonde child whisperd happily, shrieking with excitment som more.
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:42 pm
Juneau skipped past the orchard Laughing like crazy. Her Mother grumbled on behind her about manners. The girl didn't care though, as she chased butterfly's and picked an Apple from one of the trees. "I don't care care" The blond( No e) child whispered happily, shrieking with excitement some more.
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:36 pm
Sparrow, I don't want to intrude, but mistakes four and five actually aren't mistakes. Because they were thoughts - which are similar to speaking - a different format is usually used. Those '....' (forgotten what they're called) can signal the end of a sentence. And how Toph used them, she did use them correctly.
I just wanted to let you know.
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:30 pm
I'm afraid I'm not understanding what you're trying to say, Katty. Mistakes four and five are capitalization errors... not those dots things. Explain?
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:37 pm
Toph_The_blind_runaway Juneau skipped past the orchard Laughing like crazy . Her Mother grumbled on behind her about manners. The girl didn 't care though, as she chased butterfly 's and picked an Apple from one of the trees. " I don't care care" The blond( No e) child whisper ed happily, shrieking with excit ement som e more. Good, but you did miss a few - and they were the main thing you need to work on. 'Laughing' and 'Apple' were capitalized when they shouldn't have been. Also, 'Mother' does not need to be capitalized, for it says 'her mother'. If it was 1st person, Mother would have worked. Example: 'Mother always tells me not to be rude.' In 3rd person: 'Her mother always told her not to be rude.' It's not a biggie, though. 'Butterflys' should have been 'butterflies'. 'Butterfly's' is a possession term. As in, 'It was the butterfly's flower, not the moth's.' One more thing you missed was the extra word 'care'. Overall, you did well, though. I'll make another for you to fix up, soon.
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:52 pm
Now, as good as your post is above, I know you worked hard on it. But clearly you don't post like that all the time, or your literacy screening might have scored better. So I edited it instead.
xi_sexy_cuti3x ɱʏ ɳαɱє ιʂ Karen Mioko Kinami .
Karen woke up very early in the morning (period here) for some reason (add 'she was')in a bath tub with plenty of beer bottles surrounding her (period here)............... I sure got wasted... but it looks (add 'as if') nothing bad happened... Karen thought to herself (comma here) (add 'struggling to stand up)(comma here)standing up struggling (add 'just') to fall down from her drunk she was .................(period here) she sighed as she washed her face and looked in the mirror to see nothing (add 'had') happened to her face atleast..................................................................(period here) Karen then brushed her teeth and did the normal ...(comma here) she then took a smell of clothes to smell it the smell of alcohol and some(add 'smelled her clothes to find the scent of alcohol and') cigarettes ...(period here) she doesn't smoke but when she went out maybe some (add 'other people')dudes or chicks did?? she sighed as she stripped as she entered her room and changed into some regular clothing (period here) and she sprayed some Human brandname perfume over herself and went downstairs to see no one awake yet .....(period here)She looked at the clock and she didn't expect anyone to be awake at THIS time ..(period here) it was 4 am in the morning... she sighed as she went up to the mansion (add 's') she lived ins roof watching(add 'to watch') the sun(add 'rise') set......(period here) she sighed once again and she gasped. . every time I sigh(comma here) I lose a piece of my happiness and luck.... and I don't need that now... Karen reminded herself by thought ...(period here)There are many issues here, as you can see. In fact, that post was quite a mess, so I won't bother with numbering and labeling your errors. Most of your problems are excess '...'. Some of it has to do with the order of your wording. Just look over the above, take in the things you need to work on. I won't make you correct anything now, because, so long as you promise to write like your post above each and every time in roleplays or out, then you should be fine.
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:56 pm
Toph, edit this: Marie crouched against a Wall of the brown house, hiding from her brother. His shado crept around the Corner, and before he could find Her, the young girl leaped up and away. "Cant catch me" She growled, dashin into the trees.
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:04 pm
Well... The Karen Mioko Kinami post was an old post I did for a dead rp.... So are you saying the other post is alright?? And I'll try to keep that promise!
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 9:46 pm
GoldenSparrow I'm afraid I'm not understanding what you're trying to say, Katty. Mistakes four and five are capitalization errors... not those dots things. Explain?
For example:
It's all a lie... How can I live here without you... It's all so cruel...
Then:
It's all a lie. How can I live here without you? It's all so cruel.
Do you see what I mean?
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Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 7:23 am
Cutie - The Liana Emelina Claudiu post was great. The Karen Mioko Kinami, not so much. So post like the Liana one, and you'll be fine.
Katty - Now I understand, thanks. I suppose I never knew you could do such a thing. Yay - we're always learning something! biggrin
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Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 3:14 pm
Take Writer's Craft as soon as you can. It will tremediously help help your writing and your knowledge of writing.
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Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 3:47 pm
The Kishimoto Yakuza had brought more men from their base to finish off the Shinji once and for all. As the leader of the Shinji, Sky could not afford to lose against his enemy who had killed his family. Revenge raged in Sky's eyes as he tried his best to reach the leader with all of Kishimoto's men blocking his way. Sky was once in the Shinsengumi Squad and learned many techniques from them. As he remembered Master's teachings, Sky had reached the leader. They faced each other, ready to rip each other to shreds with their blades, Kotetsu and Kimidori.
Apparently, when I did the literacy screening, I got a 7.5, I think it was because of some grammer errors. Sometimes when I type, it doesn't get put in xD Also, I sometimes don't put a lot in my posts, so I would need to improve on that.
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