Welcome to Gaia! ::

I don't know why your parents would get you a psychiatrist if they didn't love you. I don't know why they'd tell you not to become an artist if they didn't love you. From what I see, they do, they just don't know how to express it. Your dad seems like a pretty ******** up character who has a lot of stress from work and such, and that would explain why he's taking it out on you: there's no one else to take it out on. You're the youngest boy, correct? Are you and your sister the only ones in the house? If you are than it's obvious that he holds all his crap in until he gets home where he explodes at every little thing you do. He obviously wouldn't scream at your sister, for some reason girls are "daddy's favourites" (-rolls eyes-), and the guys are the ones who usually end up getting the s**t. So yeah, that would explain your dad.

Trust me, your parents do love you whether or not you can feel it. They definately wouldn't be spending all that money on a psychiatrist if they didn't care for your well being. They wouldn't stop you from becoming an artist either: if they didn't love you they wouldn't give a damn if you starved because you didn't have enough money. Hard as it seems to imagine, they still care about you. That being said, it doesn't matter to me if they love me or not when my parents are constantly screaming at me. I just don't need anything like that, and they're just adding their crap onto mine. I ignore them, but hell, that only goes so far. If I do whatever they want I usually end up getting screamed at anyways because, well they always see something wrong in what I do. There seriously seems like no way out at times. It just has to keep going until they've finally calmed down, then things return to normal for a time. Just hang in there until they finally come through.

About the cutting--every time you have a strong urge to get your razor out I want you to come online and give me an email: a very long email containing all the reasons why you feel the way you do. And after that you'd better include a list of at least ten things you're thankful for having. When I was really depressed in the summer for no apparant reason, a friend of mine made me write out a hundred things that I was thankful for. Gawd that took a long time, but for some reason it did make me feel happy. Not for long, but long enough to snap me out of the depressed state and into the regular one.

Not sure what else I can say. But for now just hang tight. This'll all be over soon and your relief days are coming. Who knows, maybe one day it will be reversed and we'll have relief weeks with only a few short days of crap in between. Hey we can dream, right?

when i feel like crap i always focus on the negaitive. nothing really good every happens to me. i grew up with my friends all around me being depressed, and being caught in the middle of there parents divocres. and me too. sometimes i never have enough balls to even get myself up in the morning. And me getting access to the internet, i have to do when nobody is around so i dont get yelled at.