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Reply Poetry and Lyricism
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Maeron3

PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:34 pm


Take it,all of it,
I don't want it anymore.
You can have it all,
I won't care.
The moment I met you,
none of that mattered.
Time stood still,mountains crumbled,
Hope was lost,but Faith regained.
My strength was gone but I know,
should I fall,you would catch me.
Behind your eyes I saw tenderness.
Your smirk playful,mind knowing.
Entrancing me in your spells,
and giving life to my world.
When all I could ever ask,
has been recieved,where do I go?
Do I head west?
Proceed East?
Chase North?
No,I go home.
Home is your arms and a sweet kiss.
After all, I am yours.
And you are mine.  
PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:52 am


You've got a good idea going here.

I think you could work this a little to convey stronger emotions. The poem is supposed to be quite emotional, I take it, but I don't feel the emotion as much as I should. Maybe expand on some of your metaphors? They're great starts to that emotion.

One of my pet peeves is changing verb tenses, and you've got that going on a bit. It distracts me from the actual meaning of the poem.

Spastic waffles
Captain

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Poetry and Lyricism

 
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