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November 24, 2009 - Tuesday Final note.
Society is full of fail. Including myself society is doomed and I can't stand it. I can't stand a single part of society with the exception of the ones close enough to call me their friend. I hate couples, singles, douchbags, everything. the concept of living irks me beyond everything else. From the things people do, to the things they say I hope this world explodes one day. I bid you, all my loved ones, farewell. I do hope you enjoy your stay on this planet, however, I don't so good riddance to me right? Just don't cry. Laugh all you want. Hell even Matthew can probably appreciate the irony here. Hope he chokes on his laughter and joins me haha. Anyway unexpected aside, I'm sure most of you probably didn't expect me to do it, so well, now you know. I'm just about as crazy as everyone says, hahaha. Oh and Startek, you can suck my balls you piece of s**t. Finally, to one particular individual.... I know.... I've said it before. I wish there was something I could do, but all I can seem to say is "I'm sorry" I know it doesn't help and I know there's nothing else I can do... so "I'm sorry" will have to do, amirite? After all things are said and done, after all, Whatever Happens, happens. And what happens, is meant to happen. Take care of yourself. I demand mudkipz or murlocs on my memorial somewhere. cause I'm a pothole, bye now!


November 23, 2009 - Monday Hrrmmm, different method needed.
Well, The door idea wont' really work. It's tall enough at first, but I have to have it loose enough to fit my neck in the noose, and when It tightens it will lower and thus I'll be able to touch the ground. That gives me a chance to have second thoughts and stand up. I need to find another method, but ********, people online are stupid. Every website with questions and such all have idiots trying to talk people out of it. Or other dumbasses talking about pain this and pain that. I'm not in pain. I get depressed sometimes, but not enough to want to kill myself. Why the hell can't someone just not have any desire to live? The least painful method that I can conceive would require a vehicle, a hose, and a bit of uninterrupted time. I could probably procure a hose one day, and sneak Vito's keys off, but cranking his car would probably wake him up so that's out of the question. Can't be caught halfway through the act. I would really rather like something not painful so I don't have more second thoughts than what's already preventing me from doing it now. I'll continue to scour the net I suppose.


November 23, 2009 - Monday Decided already
Okay, finally decided on how I'm going to do it. Of course since I'll have been discovered it'll already be revealed how I did it. To the public, it'll probably just say that I hung myself. Well I'm going to probably get drunk to ease into it a little easier. I'm going to use the counterweight of the door against the door frame and wrap the rope around the door several times using the doorknobs as leverage wrapped around them several times. I'm hoping the door doesn't fall in, but it really shouldn't.

Anyway, as to "when" I'm not sure. I'll be sure to post a link to this myspace page in like a blog on my actual page. I was thinking of just sending it in a message to the person I care the most about, but I would feel bad because I'd feel like she'd feel like I was targeting her, which I'm not. I'm sure at least if I put it in my blogs, anyone that cares enough about me to read them will actually see it.

I wonder how long it will take for Vito to discover my body. Sheesh, I just opened up a whole new thought process. I wonder what his initial reaction will be. I wonder what everyone's reaction will be. After all, I'm supposed to be an intelligent young man. Of course, people won't see suicide the same was as I do, the information is in that website I posted in a previous blog. Except again, for me, has only to do with realization and rationalization of life than it does with pain. Anyway, if I don't do it tonight, I'll end up posting another blog about "when" who knows. Might be soon. I have a little while before i'm fired from work to find out.

November 23, 2009 - Monday Going through with it.
A suicide note. There's always a suicide note. Usually, people will talk to someone.... You know "I'm thinking about killing myself," or "I'm going to kill myself." Something along those lines. Those are usually the ones that don't end up doing it, why? Because they have second doubts. www.metanoia.org/suicide/ is a good site for suicidal people. Although that website is very accurate, my feelings have little to do with pain. I've already gotten over the pain of losing the love that I've had. I wanted to make sure I could live past that. I couldn't die knowing she would blame herself.... she'll probably still blame herself, but it's not her fault. I'm sure she'll get over it with due time. I don't know when I'm going to do it. Even how for that matter. I have a few things in mind. I'd rather avoid as much pain as possible. Tends to make the going easier. I just don't really care to keep living. There are reasons and goals people strive to achieve and I'm pretty much done with the ones I care about. Of course, I'll be leaving a lot behind, but hey, I'm an a*****e, and since i'll be dead, why will I care what happens to everyone else? Vito or my Mom can determine who gets all my crap, I don't care. I'd prefer my money go towards Vito's rent till he can find a replacement roommate. The money that is owed by Allen and my Mom will be written off, Don't have to worry about paying someone else back. There was nothing legal so I don't care now, who would get it then. That's really the only thing I figured I would put on here to prevent any kind of confusion. Anyway, if this is the last one I post, goodbye everyone. Keep me in your minds and hearts, or forget about me, whatever you do I don't care. Burn me to save money or waste money with a burial and funeral and whatever other bullshit, but burning me will be cheaper. Get together with lots of people and drink, party, I really don't care. Just don't waste too much time crying over me. And for the love of all that is holy or sacred to anyone, do NOT have some christian burial/funeral/or whatever the ******** they are. Nothing religious at all. No god talking bullshit. No one wants to ******** hear it. Anyone that knows me at all will laugh their ******** a** off if there's a preacher talking about god and walking through the valley of the shadow of death or some s**t. I will reincarnate as a ******** cockroach and s**t in your mouth while you sleep. Also, call me whatever you like, "quitter" "Coward" "p***y" I really don't care. After all, I'm dead and you're still stuck on earth. Which, from my standpoint, isn't so bad, haha.

The stage is set, as the sun sets on your smile.
Tear streams gleam and show you're true feelings.
Life is short, sweet and simple.
Easier said than done is any given advice.
Give me peace and quiet tonight.
The show was wonderful, but I'm glad it's over.
Don't be sad, we can watch something else.
If you need to cry, I'm sorry I'm not there.
I have to go with the curtain now.
Falling now into the sunset.
This is farewell.

November 22, 2009 - Sunday Suicidal.
All it takes is one reason. One reason to stay alive. Even when I was with her, I still had these thoughts. Living is more work than it's worth. We're driven only by our instincts and desires, and never give a second thought to purpose. Well I have no desire. I don't care for children, so outside of pleasure, sex has no meaning. I don't need a spouse if those are out of the question, and I need to work to survive. I don't want to work either. There's very little worth living much for. I've experienced love and a broken heart twice now. I've been through cheating and many other relationship s**t, and I don't care to experience childbirth and raising so there isn't much left in life. No goals, no aspirations. I'm haunted by my memories of what I once had and it's driving me crazy. I don't know how much longer I'll be alive.

I love you Mom, Courtney, Cam and Gracie, Vito, Trevor, all as family should. Most of all, I love you Amber. My one and only true love, the only one to capture my heart and make me smile through all of life's adversities, You were the one to pick me up from the bottom of existence and start actually living. You gave me a reason to be responsible and work towards goals. You also left me on my a** and taught me how to survive with no reason. Taught me that sometimes, life doesn't need a reason to be able to survive. You left me for someone else, that I can only assume is more deserving of your love than I. I would say I was just a temporary thing *shrug*. I'm glad I could cheer you up, and make you smile, and be your support until you finally was able to have what you ultimately wanted. I want your life to be filled with happiness. To Matthew, you better treat her well, and never break her heart again. She'll always be yours, you don't even have to try. Don't take her for granted and make her happy. I don't hate you. As long as she's happy.... I said it once before... her happiness is my biggest priority even if I can't be with her.

Right now
Right now, I'm drunk. I'm surrounded by people. There is one person that probably cares about my feelings and he's my roomate. I miss my ex. My first real relationship. i miss her. More than anything else, I would give up everything for her. I would give up my life to make her happy.... but I don't haveto do that because apparently she's happy with her ex/now current boyfriend. I don't have to worry about anything then because she;s happy. Sooo. what does that leave me? I once said that the only thing in life that mattered was her happines... When I was trying to get with her, and she was still with her current boyfriend then, I told her that.... all that matter was her happiness. That was all that mattered to me... I then got with her and became selfish.... I'm glad that she's happy..... i still want her happiness. but now I have no selfish points to keep myself happy because with her being happy I'm not happy. But at least she is. i'll be happy one day I'm sure. Other people matter to.

Amber?

Amber had nothing to do with it.

Amber is a great gal and I love her to bits. All she did was follow her heart and leave Corey. She did it for herself.

And you know what? she shouldn't be blamed for what Corey did to himself. This was his decision, and no one can put blame on Amber for pushing him to it. Because she didn't, he was lonely and couldn't man up and deal with it.

I'm pissed that he would say these things to hurt others. No matter how big of fags they could've been to him, ultimately, it was only his mind and his choice to bully him into hanging himself.

But despite that, I know that he'll finally put that uneasy mind to rest, and I'm happy that he can escape the eternal hell he was putting himself through. I'm not mad, and I hope he's happier.. whether he's reincarnated, goes to some spiritual land, or just lays in the dirt and rots. He's happier there, and that's cool.

That's all there is to it.