Welcome to Gaia! ::

**I UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS NO RUSH**

Bear with me guys, this could turn out to be a long post. I'm a GIRL btw.

So, I'm 18 now and at university and still a virgin, and its not even like I don't want to lose it; I feel more than ready for it. But for some reason it just hasn't happened yet. And this frustrates me, because I cannot help but shake this feeling that once I've got it over and done with it won't even be a big deal at all and I think that I'll enjoy it!!

I'm in no way an unattractive girl, I don't mean this in a big-headed way by any means, I'm just going on what other people have said to me/about me my whole life and which I have recently just started to believe. And even if it isn't just outside beauty I feel for the first time in my life that I am a beautiful person, and thats all that matters. heart I have so much to bring to the table in a relationship and as a person that stretches so much further and beyond a pretty face.

I've been with guys in my time, I've only ever really had one 'proper' relationship though I should say. My ex. I was really good friends with him throughout high school and we were together for a year on and off. I did pretty much everything else with him but sex. He was good to me but the whole sex thing just never came up. I think that by the time I felt secure enough in the relationship to think about doing it I was already beginning to ''fall out of love'' with him, so to speak. I didn't want him to have everything over me because I already felt that I had given so much of myself; and now that things have ended I don't regret not doing it in many ways.

HOWEVER; as far as my life goes, I worry that it isn't going to happen for some time now. I really just want to get it over with so I can have fun. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin -- people just assume that you aren't and there's no way that I make it pubicly known because then I feel like I could be taken advantage of...

I shift between how I want it to be. Part of me wants it to just happen when it feels right - whether that ends up being a one night stand, the result of a fulfilling relationship or whatever other scenario. I just don't feel like I'm complete, I feel like I'm missing out on a giant hurdle. And now I'm at university I find it hard to trust people because I really feel that guys only have one thing in mind and now that I've waited all this time I don't want to lose it to some guys ''list''. So that makes me think that it might not happen at uni at all and the thought of me reaching my 20s and STILL being a virgin really really REALLY royally upsets me.

I guess I'm just looking for some consolidation here, or people with similar experiences, or even if I can try and pick apart with someone why I feel like I do, so empty. Is it normal to feel like this? Do guys mind if you're a virgin, even if you look like the kind of girl that shouldn't? Is it good for me to feel so protective of myself? Even if its to the point where I feel like its getting to the point where its restrictive?

Thanks for reading, any and all comments appreciated. heart

EDIT:

Just for the record I am not currently with/dating anyone at the moment. I've had plenty of interest from guys at uni. I find myself going into overdrive though thinking about things before anything even happens. I worry that they might just want me because I am a nice looking girl, not actually want me for me and I am damned picky too. I worry that I'm just cold and can't get close to people because I am too preoccupied worrying about the whole virgin thing. I'm really not sure about anything anymore. I know I am so ready to give of myself, I am so ready to meet someone who I enjoy spending time with and who respects me. I'm not looking for THE ONE, I just want something that will do for now, sorta... I'm trying not to overthink too much when I first meet a guy, to just go with the flow and chillax, but I feel like the fact I am a virgin is always looming over. Its like a zit that just won't go away.

ALSO: If anyone wants to PM me to discuss my thoughts n this further, or ask anymore questions or just to chat in general, I welcome it. I think it will do me good to get all of this off my chest and order my thoughts a little.

People are all ready at different times. And even when we become ready, it doesn't mean it's going to happen right away. Sex takes two!

And even if you're a very attractive person, it doesn't mean guys are going to be falling all over you. Guys who don't know you don't know that you're attractive on the inside too. A lot of guys are also in committed relationships. So even if they think you're attractive, they still might not want to act on that.

I don't understand why virginity would be so upsetting to you in the first place though. Sex is nice, but it's not like you're seriously missing out on this huge life changing event. You have a long time to experience sex and many other things throughout your life. And you might be surprised how little things change for most people once they have sex. If you're not having fun with your life right now, sex probably isn't going to change that.

If people want to assume things about you or make judgments based on one silly like thing virginity, let them. Their narrow mindedness shouldn't have an effect on you.

There are lots of creeps out there. There are people who will lie to your face and just try to use you for sex. But there are also a lot of people who are not like that. If you don't want to fall victim to a creep, take things slow.

If you end up being a virgin in your 20s, so be it. It's actually a lot more common than you might think, even among attractive people. Like you said, a lot of people just assume that no one is a virgin. And a lot of people are afraid to admit that they are, or it just never comes up, or they just plain don't think their sex life is everyone's business. So most people don't realize how common it is for people to be virgins into their 20s. I've actually been with three guys who were virgins over the age of 20, and I've known a few others. My current partner was a virgin until he was 27. They weren't unattractive people, and they did have opportunities sooner. They were just stable, mature, confident, and saw no reason to rush.

It sounds to me like you are mostly comfortable with yourself but you might have a little work to do. I say that because it sounds like you're making a big deal out of nothing, worrying too much about what other people think, and almost defining yourself by your virginity. It's absolutely not something that hangs over the heads of people who are truly comfortable and secure. You should absolutely not be embarrassed about it, and it should not keep you from having fun. If you are not having fun right now, there's probably something else keeping your from having fun. My guess based on what you have said so far would be fear and insecurity. But losing your virginity just to get past those feelings would sort of be like a Band-aid. It might solve the problem for now, but it doesn't really tackle the root of the issue.

There are plenty of people your age who are still virgins. and I think it actually shows maturity to wait until you're out of high school to have sex. If you're worried about people judging you, remember you can't please everyone, and you don't know what other people are thinking. Some people might judge you for being a virgin, while others might judge you if you weren't a virgin. People love throwing labels like "slut" around. I don't really see what the big deal is of being in your 20s and being a virgin. I waited until I was 21. that was the age I felt mature enough and ready to do something like that. At 18 I was nowhere near ready. Part of it was my situation too, I was in a long distance relationship so it wasn't physically possible for us to have sex anyway. But I think if we'd lived near each other I still wouldn't have done it that young. As it was, when we started to visit each other a couple of years later I still didn't rush into it our first visit. So when we did have sex, both my boyfriend and I were 21 and we were both virgins before that. And I will say also, after it was done and over with, it didn't feel like that big of a deal. I didn't feel any different. It wasn't like my whole life changed and I was suddenly a different person. Our relationship continues on as it did before. And this is just my personal opinion, but I think it's better to be in a serious relationship than just having sex with a random person. There's nothing special about it if it's just some guy you randomly met. Especially if the sex turns out to be pretty "uneventful" as it can when it's the first time and you're figuring stuff out. If you're in a relationship it's more special and also you know that you will be able to have sex with that person again and that next time it will possibly be better than the first time having no experience.

*hug* I think you said it pretty well. ^^ And anyone who really cares about you will understand why you chose to wait; in fact it shouldn't even be an issue if they really care about you. wink

I'll tell you what I told a friend of mine who was dumped by his (now ex) girlfriend of 4 years - when you're ok with being alone and having time to yourself, then you'll be ready to go out and date (in his case, getting laid wasn't a problem, he's smooth enough to get around that xd ). He had a fear of being alone as well, and wanted to go out and meet new girls... but at the same time had a fear of making mistakes, repeating the whole faulty relationship again, being hurt, etc. He found a girlfriend after several months and he's happy now, but it didn't come until after he was ok with being alone.

Besides, being by yourself builds strength and character. I went through a really bad break-up , and was alone and had clinical depression for over a year before I met the man I'm with now. Being alone forced me to rely on myself, and it shaped the person I am today. I built an inner strength I'd never had before, and it helped build my character (because I was so passive before and didn't have much of a character).

OK. I'm going to give some blunt advice. First of all, virginity is not as rare as you think at your age, hell it's not even rare in your 20's. I'm 24, last year I lived in a student house with three other guys, all of them 22 years old, one of them lost his virginity shortly after his 22nd birthday to a one night stand, and hasn't had sex since. The other two where still virgins the day I moved out and to my knowledge still are. I lost my virginity at 15, I felt quite out of place knowing all my room-mates where virgins and even moreso when I realised about half my friends where virgins in total. But now that I'm at a second university it appears to be a trend with about 1 in 3 people being virgins (that have bothered to discuss it), and this uni has a larger proportion of mature students.

One thing I will say is simply this. Decide what you want and go for it. Socialise with the right groups of people. If you want random sex, go to a night club, at midnight pick some guy and go home with him, unless you're really unlucky and only pick guys who have girlfriends by the third guy someone will have said yes. But that is just a one night stand, and all that is rather tacky especially for your first time. If you want a meaningful relationship DO NOT pick a nightclub.

I suggest finding a hobby. If you like a sport, reading, gaming, art, anything like that there is a society for it at the average university. My uni had a roleplayers society (with over 60 members, it was one of the biggest), an anime society, a hiking society, even a ghost hunters society. You're more likely to meet someone there. Make the first move, ask a guy you like out, don't be nervous. Guys will almost never say no. If you're confident you will find the relationship you want. After that it's just a matter of deciding when you want to have sex, and whether you want to let him know you're a virgin, it may be less stressful if you don't tell him.

It will all come naturally, just let it happen, make sure you make the mood sensual not "animal passion", you don't want the guy to be rough the first time unless you like blood. There may be a little blood regardless, this is normal as I'm sure you're aware, and it may be painful, especially if the guy is large. But this fades, (I've slept with two virgins, both long term girlfriends and they both enjoyed sex although the first time was painful)

If you really feel as though the loneliness is getting to you and the barrier is hard to break. Pick someone in your class, someone you've barely spoken to who appears single. Walk up to him in the hall and kiss him passionately, no warning, do this as he's leaving the last lecture you have that day. I've seen this happen twice, both times, they ended up becoming a couple, one of which is now married. The spontaneous kiss, it's a great idea, but it only works if the girl is the kisser, otherwise it comes across as creepy.

That's my advice, take it with a pinch of salt, should you use it and it works, great, should you use it and it doesn't, I refuse to take the blame for any unwanted pregnancies, STD's or sexual harrassment lawsuits.

WARNING - Advice may be entirely useless, advice used at own risk, advice taker is assumed to agree not to use advice to construct chemical, biological or thermonuclear weaponry; reading advice is considered acceptance of this term, advice giver is not responsible to loss of blue cheese or other dairy product, deep sea divers suit must be worn, some credit card fees may be required, investments may give less than expected results, in fact you may receive less than you originally paid in, do not operate heavy machinery, side effects include, headache, drowsiness and rash on left index figure, seek medical advice before taking advice, some chaffing may occur.