Welcome to Gaia! ::

I looked where she laid and wished that I could lie beside her. Yet, even now if I laid there she could not hold me. Leaning my head against the cool marble stone of her grave, I knew that killing myself wouldn’t bring me closer to her. Life could not bring us together, and death would be the same.

How could it be, that I was destined to love her the way I do when she was destined to be only my friend? What kind of god, what kind of world is this that makes that acceptable?

I laid on the damp grass, feeling the wet soak into my skin--into the very bones, but I didn’t care. She was gone and I was alone…alone…That word echoed in my mind. I know that she would never be mine but to see her face to know that one day…maybe if the stars aligned that she could love me…But now even that was gone. She was dead, moldering beneath the ground. Jane was lost to me forever.

For all my life, all my conscious memories I had tried to find my place with her. I had hoped my place would be beside her, but I had been wrong. My place was always arm’s length away. There was always something between us, keeping us apart.

She never loved me, not like that. I had loved her with all my being just as I had come to hate her. I had tried to walk away from her, but she was my drug…She was a vivid dream that I couldn’t wake from. I was hooked. I’d give my life for one breathe of the sweet essence of her hair, the scent of Tiger Lilies always wafted from her. She was like spring to my barren life, a life that had only known winter.

Jane, sweet Jane…I remember those deep green eyes looking at me with such love. I had wanted that love to mean something else, anything than it did but even I could not pretend for long. It was torture knowing that she would never look at me with those eyes the way she looked at other males. I was Benji, her friend…her confident…never her lover.

I touched the cool marble and it passed through my mind that it’s cool, impersonal touch was like the way she had always touched me. It had been warm, familiar but knowing that it was only as a friend made even that warmth cold. I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t see it…she had never seen it. If only I had told her, if only she had known…Maybe things would be different.

I sat straight up in bed, the sheets soaked with sweat. Pushing aside the damp, lank hair that plastered my forehead, I got up to pace the room. It was only a dream. My Jane was alive!

My Jane…No, never mine Nightmare or dream that never changed she was never mine nor could ever be mine.

I was not worthy of her love. She had always loved someone else…anyone else.
She did love me. To her, I was her brother. I was the faithful soul who was always there for her and took care of her. But what was she to me? She was ghost and demon. She was pain unbearable and joy innumerable.

Jane held my very soul in her grasp, she had all power over me. With one word, one look, one insinuation from her, I would go to hell and back to do her bidding. But Jane asked nothing and everything from me--the one thing I could not grant…to love her.