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 Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 4:28 pm
How long must someone wait until they are truly at peace?
*****Sorry ya'll, I removed all of this... It wasn't pretty, and I'm sorry. Just me whining about my past and whatnot. Nothing to be too concerned about, ask if your curious though, I do need someone to talk to*****
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:03 pm
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:07 pm
Not really, my past, just catching up to me. I'm terrified of it too :/
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:17 pm
oh hun, Like what? anything we can do?
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:20 pm
I posted everything here at first... then got paranoid and took it off. Maybe I should repost the whole thing?? I do have it saved...
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:23 pm
go for it, we like to help in any way.
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 5:24 pm
Alright, no fear you guys... hope it doesn't shock you too much... I hope your opinions don't change of me either....
***********************************************************
You see, I spent last night in a hospital bed, from a near overdose on painkillers. Was it an attempt at my own life? Certainly not, so no worries there. So what you may ask is my concern? It was the hallucinations that were a side effect from the overdose, let me share with you a little something.
Friends, I lived a terrible past, I ran with a violent gang down in Texas (yup, I'm a Texan at heart) I ran drugs, carried out hits, and tagged just about whatever I could get my hands on.
Then, something terrible happened, I was carrying some "merchandise" to a dealer in the streets, I had decided to let my best friend accompany me for company, he brought his sister because he had to watch her. When we found the dealer, he had been brutally killed, what was left of him lay in the alley. I panicked and knew that all three of us were in danger. I did my damnedest to get the two to safety, but we had walked into a trap. The next corner I took, a bullet sliced the top of my ear, and hit my best friend in the face, I watched it happen. The next round hit his sister in the throat, I ran, I ran and I hid. I heard her calling for help but I ran.
Here is where the nightmare starts, the story goes on, but I don't really want to post it, feel free to PM me or something if you are DYING to know.
The entire night, I laid in bed, sweating, still hearing her pleas for help as I ran away. I feel like I am utterly responsible for everything that happened to her. I feel like I have blood on my hands everyone. As I write this, I feel disgusted in my weakness, spilling it all for you to hear and read, but... I feel like someone here can help? Maybe I'm just desperate for someone to hold me and tell me its all okay? I don't know anymore guys, I just honestly don't know.
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 6:56 pm
Well ******** me freddy. Ok I give up. *hands in sage card* Fer all mah infinite wisdom and countless encounters and life altering events ive seen I can honestly say I was with ye untill the last part. I really DONT know how ta help ye feel better...I wish I could help ye cope =/ believe me I do. I've done the very thing ye did, all fer the sake of cheaper heroine on mah part, but I never risked mah friends, I wouldn't let them. I was too ashamed of mahself and what I was doin ta let them come, fer meh it was more like a walk of shame before the calming cold burn of the drugs.
Theres no way ta change the past. its done and over with. but ye have ta move foreward. Theres no other path ta foller. I spent 3 years blaming mahself fer a death i was only minimally involved in, when i know fer a fact who the murderer was and have had ta look into his eyes on equal ground many a time because there wasnt enough forensic evidence to nail him, even though he admitted it ta the inner circle in hopes of forgiveness.
Ye jist have ta let it go. Find a way ta make peace with the past. write it all down and leave a letter. Get a tattoo. plant a tree. donate to a charity. but ye've got to do SOMETHING.
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 6:57 pm
Never think yer alone though. We're here fer ye, even if ye think its not much.
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:07 pm
I could never ask for anything but your company good sir.
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:25 pm
well. even if ye couldnt, feel free to anytime ^_^ Us Texans gotta stick together. <<
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:30 pm
Tattoo on my back: 214, leave fear at the door.
Its Dallas
Texans for life :')
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:40 pm
sorry I got caught up in cleaning for a bit, I agree with wolf. and I think as soon as you get that tat you should post it up. ^-^ <
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 7:41 pm
I had it cut off my back after everything that happened... it was part of being stripped of my rank dear, I guess I should finish what happened on that damned night?
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spirit-robyn1993 Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 25, 2009 11:53 pm
We don't need to know more. We're here for you and we care about you. Cheer up. The best way to forget is to forgive. You left that life behind and even if the world does not forgive you, we do.
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