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[Q] Lt. Barite - [MARKPLZ]

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Shiningamisgirl

Ruthless Consumer

PostPosted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 3:44 pm


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Negaverse Character

Extra Info!: Might just start him out as a school kid, but ultimately am going for him to be a nega-baddie.
Writing Fs Comp's Entered: Pg 10 Post 3 pg 30 post 7

Negaverse: Luitenant Barite

Lt. Based on the Barite mineral - Mineral Info
Picture: Barite

Barite = A weighing agent, something that can only add to and strengthen the team. Triton for all his antics is very out going and team oriented. Because of his style and his way of attack he would almost always do things with a partner, as in solo fights he might end up getting himself into some serious trouble.

Name: Triton Cless
Ethnicity: American
School: Meadowview HighSchool
Age: 18
Birthday: September 6th
Sign: Virgo
Blood Type: B-
Gemstone: Carnelian
Preferences: Triiton is rather vague on who and what he likes, though its suspected he enjoys both sides.
Triton, despite his clingy nature, doesn't like serious relationships or dating, that whole boyfriend girlfriend drama just isn't for him. He's more prone to get into a long lasting friendship then a long lasting love bond with someone.
Creepy Tidbit: So, triton likes the three S's, The Shinnies, the Sharps, and The Soft's. What does this lead too?
This leads to triton, swiping, snatching and buying quite a bit of these three things. His favorite's are of course crosses, knives, and hair.

Fave Food: Fish sticks and tater tots! Anything sea foody or potatoy, specially those little cheesy potatos with sour cream and chives.
Hated Food: Onion rings, and grape fruits.
Hobbies: Music, Collecting.

Music: Triton loves music, listening to music, playing music. Being around musical people! On his own he plays the piano, while he prefers more punk/techno when it comes to listening (He feels classical music is fundamental, but there's no way to have fun and dance to it!) . When it comes to playing an instrument he feels that there's none better then the piano.

Collecting: The Three S's Soft, Shiny, Sharp

Crosses: Triton loves crosses as a symbol, he often collects the things, bracelet form, earrings, necklaces, big wooden paper weights, rosary beads. The actual cross itself holds no other significance to him (nothing religious) other then the fact that its pretty and a unique shape.

Knifes: Pocket knives, Swiss army knives, Decorative letter openers, Bad a** looking butter knives. If it sparkles shines and cuts, he wants it, he wants it ten times more if it has a design on it. His favorite at the moment being a 1inch folding blade pocket knife with a golden eagle etched into the side of it. The thing has a button on it so that you can lock it into place or easily flick it open.

Hair: Of all the soft things in the world, hair is by far the softest isnt it? Not only is it incredibly soft, but its all natural, nothing synthetic, nothing fake about it.
Triton loves hair, his own hair, other peoples hair, he also has a bad habit of collecting rabbit pelts -cause there's nothing softer then a bunny!- And at times a creepy habit of collecting human hair...at least..so long as its real. -wigs etc..or from the person..so long as that person is to dead to object to having their hair cut away-


Likes: Triton likes girls, likes boys..Likes good looking things, cars and flashy bobbles. But his favorite thing is probably money. Hey it buys him stuff its awesome!
Hates: Thunder storms, he doesn't mind the lightning or the rain, he just hates the noise that comes with it. Loud noises generally miff triton.

Area of study:

Virtues: Fun loving, Jester, team player, defensive.

Fun Loving: Fun and games is what triton is all about. Chess checkers, video games, sports. Hes all about watching/playing and experiencing the game. He also loves being around other people, getting to do fun things with others. Triton is very social and tends to get moody when he's alone, he absolutely hates being stuck by himself with nothing to do.

A total Joker: Pranks and practical jokes are like tritons meat and potato's. The guy cant live without laughter, even if it tends to be a bit cruel at times. He also enjoys making other's laugh, and doesn't mind being the butt end of a joke. He's real easy going and doesn't get his feathers ruffled by simple comments. Though he'd much rather be the one making the jokes then the one taking them..

Team player: Triton never goes solo, his bravado and his confidence only showing when surrounded by other people. On his own he's rather meek and shy, but so long as hes got a crowd to entertain or group of friends backing him hes a real show stopper, and very outgoing!

A Defender: Triton is someone who would gladly take a blow for a friend, he tends to annoy people, but never plays the aggressor role. His personality and his traits lead to someone who is always on defense, and will only become offensive when backed into a corner.

Flaws: Greedy, Arrogant, Clepto, Spiteful.
Spiteful: Triton can take his spitefulness a tad to far, the kind of person who would cut off his own nose just to get back at the person who's wronged him.
Greedy: Triton's got an issue with greed, and he loves doing the mine game. He's always wanting after material things and sometimes it gets in the way, its one of those annoying little traits that makes him unpleasant to be around at times.
Arrogant: Basically..he thinks hes the 'shiz', the coolest, the best, the most fun to be with. He holds himself in high standards and probably sees himself as more important then he really is.
Clepto/Magpie: Selectively he is a total clepto/magpie in the fact that he does love the shinnies. If he doesn't have enough cash to afford it -which he hates- He'll try to swindle or snatch it away, he's obsessed with the bright sparkly things, specially if their in the form of some of his favorite items. -crosses knives etc..- And has on a few creepy occasions clipped off a segment of his fellow students hair, very discreetly of course! He isnt one to get himself caught, and if he knows he cant get away with taking it then he wont even try, just stare longingly at it.

(Going in depth on how his cleptoism/compulsion is a weakness)
Clepto/Magpie or Compulsion: (I wasn't sure what term to use for this)Selectively he is a total clepto/magpie in the fact that he does love the shinnies, but that he only has three main treasures that will attract his gleaming eyes and gain his wanting of. If he doesn't have enough cash to afford it -which he hates- He'll try to swindle or snatch it away, he's obsessed with the bright sparkly things, specially if their in the form of some of his favorite items.
The Three S's Soft, Shiny, Sharp - He loves em all, but has specific's he's willing to go to jail/die for.Crosses: Triton loves crosses as a symbol, he often collects the things, bracelet form, earrings, necklaces, big wooden paper weights, rosary beads. The actual cross itself holds no other significance to him (nothing religious) other then the fact that its pretty and a unique shape.
Knifes: Pocket knives, Swiss army knives, Decorative letter openers, Bad a** looking butter knives. If it sparkles shines and cuts, he wants it, he wants it ten times more if it has a design on it. His favorite at the moment being a 1inch folding blade pocket knife with a golden eagle etched into the side of it. The thing has a button on it so that you can lock it into place or easily flick it open.
Hair?! Omfgwtf?: Of all the soft things in the world, hair is by far the softest isnt it? Not only is it incredibly soft, but its all natural, nothing synthetic, nothing fake about it.(Triton hateesss wigs)
Triton loves hair, his own hair, other peoples hair, he also has a bad habit of collecting rabbit pelts -cause bunny's are almost just as soft!- And at times a creepy habit of collecting human hair...at least..so long as its real. He will happily cut off sections of other peoples hair just to get a feel of it, so long as that person is too dead to object having their hair cut away, and even that doesnt always stop him.
Triton has been known to -on more then a few creepy occasions- clip off a segment of his fellow students hair, very discreetly of course, while their not paying attention or sleeping..orr..
Triton doesn't care if he gets caught, though he'd much rather not get caught. He try's very hard not to be careless with his actions when it comes to touching and thieving his favorite things. Sometimes though there's just no way to get away with taking something, and when that happens he reverts to manhandling it, constantly touching or holding or fondling the item.
He absolutely cannot go without touching something he likes once he see's it, if its in his sights then he just has has has to touch it, take it, buy it, love it! Somehow get a feel of it, and absolutely nothing can stop this compulsion of his. (Certainly a Weakness)

Challenge: Fall beneath a wall of Darkness!

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
User Image

(Again I can not take credit for this line art or template! The template comes from Meeki Approved by the shop (meeki's school for troubled teens, this guy is an rp char of mine at that shop), the hair edits were done by some wonderfully nice person, and the coloring by me (I dont do edits I just color shiz!)

Eyes: Violet, large, friendly, smiling

Hair: Long, a mix of chestnut, dark brown, and dirty blondish strands. Always in a braid.

Face: Sharp angles, guyish, a proud grinning face.

Uniform:
Im not so good with colors so, whichever looks best, either a brown and red color scheme. Or a dark grey and white color scheme.

Main color - Brown/Light brown or Dark Grey
Secondary trimming color - Reddish orange or White
Top -- A little shorter then thigh length, a bit like a mini skirt height. Partially exposed undershirt, not cropped, Normal white/black buttons and a bit messy looking. Sleeves that go down to his elbows. (He wears the outfit with pride, but not very neatly, usually a button isn't in a hole, the collar is always open to reveal some of his undershirt. )
Maybe one tiny decoration A tiny cross pin on the right sleeve of his coat thing.
Bottoms -- Shorts like the Meadoview Highschool uniform, except a tad bit longer.
Gloves -- Yes brown/black fingerless gloves, the gloves should be long and travel up to meet where his sleeves end.
Belt -- A pair of dark or White Crossed belts
Shoes -- Knee high leather Black Pirate heel boots!
Shoulders -- Yes on his right shoulder, the stone should match his gemstone.
Accessories -- Tiny cross pin/necklace. He's not religious but he does love crosses. Their just an interesting symbol to him.

Weapon
Lieutenant - Black leather dog leash!
Such as!
Captain - Makeshift fishing line with Fishing Hook - Strips of string tied together in a makeshift fishing line with a dull metal hook on the end.
Like this!
General - Kyoketsu Shogi a weapon similar to the. Instead of a kama it featured a twin-bladed knife, one balde of which was hooked. Instead of the chain it used rope, and was weighted with a heavy iron ring. The rope was longer than the kusari Gamas chain enabling the weapon to be used as a short rope and grapple as well as a weapon.
Images:Img 1 Img 2
General King- Kusari Gama. The Kusari Gama is a Kama sickle, with a length of weighted chain attached behind the head. Blows could be made with the chain or blade, but commonly the chain would be used to entangle and disable the target, enabling the user to close in and strike with the kama.
Images: Img 1 Img2

Just in Case!
It's come to my attention that while the Kyoketsu Shogi as a weapon has not been taken. The original form jump rope or rock on an a string..etc etc..may have already been imagined by some people. So!

Optional Unique Weapon For Lt. Barite (Incase some other quest/custom gets taken up with the weapon)-

Weapon Marbles
Lieutenant - Metal Pellets
Captain - Spiked Pellets
General - Exploding Pellets
General King- Exploding pellets filled with shrapnel

PostPosted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 11:02 pm


Now hes ready to be marked!

Shiningamisgirl

Ruthless Consumer


Shiningamisgirl

Ruthless Consumer

PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 5:01 pm


Marks and crits to be loved!
People can crit if they feel like it.
PostPosted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:52 pm


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Again, so much extra information. If you're not getting it across in the standard form, than you have big problems with the character. Your forms are twice as long as the normal ones, add to that your tiny text and I get serious headaches trying to read them.

American is not an ethnicity, unless you mean American Indian.

I'm seeing a contradiction between Joker and Team Player - pulling pranks and practical jokes doesn't help the team out. He'll likely end up with enemies on his own side. Does he not show his own side his Joker nature? How do the two coincide without conflicting?

You need to explain Spiteful A LOT MORE. What does this mean for him? How does he (re)act? What sets him off? How far will he go?

Greed is also going to conflict with Team Player. As does Arrogant. Not to mention if decides to steal from his own side, too.

I am really NOT getting a sense of team player from him. Almost all your flaws and virtues counter it, so either you need to reword / explain everything better, or consider dropping that and let him be the a*****e he's mostly coming across as. (Nothing wrong with a*****e characters - see Obby and Hematite for awesomely done ones.)

Also, I think you mean klepto, not clepto.

You have mentioned the three things he likes to steal THREE TIMES in the app. Once is enough, you don't need to force it down our throats. Personally, I'd rather not be reminded there's a creepy guy out there cutting off peoples' hair for keepsakes, eek! ;P

Challenge makes no sense to me. Try to tie into his personality or weapon choices?


Okay, this profile is more coherent than your previous one that I marked. There's more of a sense of who this character is, what he's like... Just clear up the contradicting virtues and flaws, give a bit more detail where needed (mostly Spiteful), and please please please remove the non-standard info.

kalindara


Marushii

Enduring Loiterer

12,925 Points
  • Magical Girl 50
  • Angelic Alliance 100
  • Brandisher 100
PostPosted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:13 am


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Please use the official form, and add in any additional information about him in another post. While this information is good to have written down, having it in another post means you can easily copy and paste the official form for contests. smile

Also, please keep the thread in black font. Colored font on a white BG is rather painful on the eyes, and looking away from the screen leaves me with a creepy and annoying after-image of text. In the "in depth" section, please also doublespace between entries. Gaia lacks an indent/tab ability, so doublespacing makes it easier to read.

I highly suggest rereading everything you've written so far: you've said the same thing more than once, and there's fragments that seem as if they're sudden thoughts -- brainstorms. Also keep in mind that it's best to show, not tell about a character. Take the Arrogant flaw for example:

"Arrogant: Basically..he thinks hes the 'shiz', the coolest, the best, the most fun to be with. He holds himself in high standards and probably sees himself as more important then he really is. "

Words like 'basically' and 'probably' really have no place in an application. This is your character: he acts like this or that, no question! These words make it seem as if you're unsure of your character. You're saying that he's arrogant -- now prove it! He may think he's the best and the coolest, how does he do it? Does he brag to other people? Act like the best? How would this factor into him being a team player?

Please keep these in mind, and fix up your form and try again. <3
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