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blackreaper551

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 3:46 pm


Shengsun, Haseo

Age
21

Height
5'10"

Weight
125 lbs

Eye Color
green

Hair Color
brown w/ natural red streaks

Village
clan compound in fire country, destroyed

Clan
Shengsun

Village Rank
Genin

Other Titles
Hei, while in the thieves guild of Kumo, alias often used when traveling before Haseo settled down in Suna

Appearance Description
Haseo’s hair is shaved on the sides and back, with the top usually pulled into a ponytail, or wearing a bandana to keep it out of his face when loose. He has two earrings in his left ear. A dancer’s build gained from civilian art of free running, and later years spent hunting with wolf pack

Personality
Haseo has adopted the personality of a wolf after years spent in the wild as the adopted son of a well known alpha-male. He is extremely loyal to those he regards as close friends and recognized superiors, willingly sacrificing life and limb for that of those he cares about. He is generally well-mannered and respectful as long as he is treated with at least civility.

History
Haseo was born into a little known clan on the border of fire and wind country. He grew up learning the basic skills of ninja that he would need to later be the clan head. At the age of nine, his clan was killed in a horrific accident involving its own elemental affinity. Haseo was the only one left alive. After scavenging for what was left of his clan’s monetary resources, salvageable clothing, and important tech scrolls, He made his way to kumo as a civilian, where he became an apprentice blacksmith to a fairly well-off master. Soon after graduating though, his master was killed off by a rival, and Haseo was forced into the streets again. Making a living by picking pockets, Haseo soon found himself in the sights of the local thieves and assassin’s guild, where he was taught free running, how to pick locks, and the basics of several civilian martial arts. After one job to many, Haseo was once again forced to flee, spending some time traveling the various countries until he found himself back in the forests of his old home at the age of sixteen. Tired and hungry, Haseo crawled into what appeared to be an empty cave. Miraculously the wolves that lived there did not kill him, but instead nourished him back to health, and in return he helped the pack by hunting and protecting the pups and old. Eventually Haseo was adopted into the pack by a consensus vote of the wolf council and was granted full rights as a warrior of his pack. Unfortunately, tragedy seemed to follow Haseo as not long after, hunters found the cave where he had been sleeping among his new brothers and sisters and killed the pack while he and his adopted brother Ginkawa were hunting. Haseo spent five years wandering, looking for those responsible for the murder of his second family when he happened upon suna and made residence as a civilian.



_________________________________



Primary Element
lightning

Secondary Element
none


sub element
none


_________________________________




Jutsu and Skills

Stats
Ninjutsu: 2/7
Genjutsu: 1/7
Taijutsu: 2/7

Total Jutsu Learned/Learnable
Genin Justu-1/4:: Chuunin Jutsu-0/1:: Jounin Jutsu-0/0:: Kage Justsu-0/0::

Ninjutsu
Shengsun secret tech level one: lightning touch
Level: genin
Type: ninjutsu
The shengsun member channels electricity into his or her hands or feet giving them the ability to shock upon contact. this technique can cause numbness in affected areas.


Taijutsu
Fighting with with "claw strikes" and powerful kicks before using his special kunai, haseo uses chakra to enhance his fingernails to be able to withstand blows and sharpen them. He does this when he thinks that a fight would be unavoidable, though it drains him faster to use this move in conjunction with his clan's tech abilities. haseo relies on fast reflexes and flexibility to avoid most blows due to his preference for light-weight, non-restricting clothing.
Genjutsu
can sense only.
Chakra Control
high genin level: able to augment speed, reflexes, and the five senses tree climbing exercise almost mastered, water walking excercise begun
Kekkei Genkai (Clan Specialty) members of the shengsun clan have a particularly strong affinity to raiton chakra, and have developed a way to incorporate this elemental affinity into its taijutsu, or channel it through chakra absorbent equipment to various effects.



_________________________________


Equipment, Items, Other

Weapons
Haseo carries around four specialized kunai that he made himself while apprenticed to the blacksmith in kumo. The recipe is from his clan’s vault. [[think asuma's knives. the recipe only covers the ingredients for the alloy, not specifing a specific use]]. Ninja wire for setting traps or tying to previous kunai for retrieval
Armor
Haseo wears standard ninja fishnet underneath a black tank top and black calf length pants with metal knee pads incorporated into them. He also carries with him a grey harlequin mask that he wore while in the thieves’ guild during particularly dangerous robberies. he has since carved the sunagakure hourglass into the left cheek for identification while he wears it over his headband. Haseo owns a coat with conductive metal threads sewn into the material, giving him protection from non-chakra powered projectiles such as thrown weapons and arrows when electricity is channeled into it. The coat has many holes in it from use as a blanket while in the wild though, and needs repaired. it remains in a box at haseo's house
Accessories
Master-craft lock-pick set, gained after graduating the grueling tests of the thieves’ guild in kumo, various sizes of hammers and anvils kept at home for when he wants to craft metal to various purposes as materials become available. (haseo is a skilled enough metal worker to craft exceptional working tools and semi-fine jewelry, although these items tend not to incorporate gem-craft into the overall design of the piece.)
Miscellaneous
A necklace given to him by his wolven family, made of the fangs of his pack’s ancestors so that they may watch over him and provide their strength wherever he may be, and a metal bracelet with intricate knot work engraved on the outside, given to him by his fiancée through arranged marriage, as a token of her love before her death in the kekkei genkai accident. Haseo keeps these light weight mementos as reminders of the good things he had in his early life, and is careful in taking care of them and honoring the memories they hold. haseo also has a worn journal in which he writes important events in his life. This stays at home, locked in the same chest as his coat. http://www.gaiaonline.com/j/
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 4:01 pm


Well SInce your character has a Genkai Your Genin jutsu is limited to 3, other then that looks okay.

Ocramol

Quotable Survivor

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Desert_Wave
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:40 pm


One of your stats (Nin or Tai) need to be lowered by 1, to conform to the 'five points in stats' rule. Also, your character is a Genin. Being a Genin means that he has one element, which in your character's case seems to be Lightning. Also, the Kekkei Genkai needs to be more specific of what amount of skill it takes to do the things you mentioned in your description. Not to mention, the KG itself seems a tad overpowered, and it'd probably be better to just have the natural affinity for Lightning without the KG itself, and have your character's Ninjutsu utilize the element. Mind, that the underlined is merely a suggestion.
PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:48 pm


I actually note a few problems in this setup, and I'll take each one at a time and let the creator of this profile do the editing himself.

HISTORY
The whole "being an outcast due to family/social/financial hardship" thing is okay, but I see further on in your profile that he has a Kekkei Genkai. If he goes on to learn the secrets of his family's clan, how does he uncover the techniques that SHOULD have been passed to him by family members? Explain in history, or rewrite.

ELEMENTS
Genin are only allowed to have a SINGLE elemental attribute when they begin. Since it seems that most of your jutsu are lightning-based, I'd suggest changing that to your Primary Element. The Secondary Element should be left BLANK. If you eventually reach the rank of Jounin, you'll be able to add a second.

STATS
You have one stat too many in your list. You're only issued five points, and you've listed six. Take one point away from your Ninjutsu or Taijutsu. (Since it's required that you have at least one in each place, and you only have one in Genjutsu.)

TOTAL JUTSU LEARNABLE
Since I see you have a Kekkei Genkai, your numbers will be slightly altered. The correct openings for jutsu you have would be like this:
Genin Justu-1/3:: Chuunin Jutsu-0/1:: Jounin Jutsu-0/0:: Kage Justsu-0/0::

If you'd like to remove the Kekkei Genkai, you may keep the numbers you have listed already.

NINJUTSU: LIGHTING FLOW TECHNIQUE
First, this doesn't fit with your history. If this techinque was taught to children of the clan while learning the basics, then he would've had to master it by the time he was four, seeing as his clan was killed by the time he'd become that age. Being able to master chakra control (let alone ninja techniques in general) would be IMPOSSIBLE.

Second, even advanced Genin still have issues with transferring chakra through their BODIES alone. Especially if Haseo hasn't mastered channeling chakra through his feet, it would be very hard to channel it into something separated from his own body. Consider a thunder-punch or kick type of move instead? This would be a GREAT move for when you make Chuunin, so hold onto it.

TAIJUTSU: CLAW STRIKES
To be able to keep his fingernails in such a state for an extended amount of time would require a constant trickle of chakra to keep going-- which is okay. You just need to be careful with how long you use it for.

However, "steel"-like strength is overpowered for a genin level. If you'd like to make them harder (like the claws of a wolf?) and sharpen them to a point, that would be acceptable. Again, these are perfect for a Chuunin-level jutsu, so keep the techniques you came up with stored somewhere that you can find them again after you pass the exams.

GENJUTSU
You don't have to note that you can sense or dispell genjutsu. However, since your Genjutsu stats are so low, you probably won't be able to dispell them, unless the Genjutsu is really weak or has evident flaws.

In this section, please write NONE.

KEKKEI GENKAI
Kekkei Genkai are generally one of two things: Doujutsu (eye techniques) or a mixture of two elements. Since your character uses only lightning, it's easier for you to get rid of the Kekkei Genkai and stick with a Lightning Element and a Wolf Theme. That way, you don't lose any available jutsu slots, so you can learn more.

ARMOR
What kind of metal is the thread made out of? Is it light/heavy? Will it protect him against physical attacks, or just increase the transparency of his electrical attacks when in contact with a foe? How does Haseo protect himself from being shocked?


Go ahead and make edits to your profile, then make a post letting us know that you've made the proper alterations to it. We'll check it over again and accept your profile afterward.

o0Temari0o
Crew


blackreaper551

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:37 pm


ok, i've modified it, and i think this will work out. the kekkei genkai is very similar to how an electric eel generates electricity. it doesnt harm itself, but can be harmful to others. hence why i havnt said anything about protection for haseo. i got the inspiration from Hei from Darker than Black. that's about the clearest example i can give.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:30 pm


I realize what you're saying about the likeness to electric eels (which is incorrect since eels will only shock when they feel threatened), but choosing an electric element(which will allow you to use the set of moves you've chosen) rather than a kekkei genkai will let you learn more jutsu to go with it.

If you have a kekkei genkai, you lose about 25% of space for jutsu you can learn because it would take so much time to master a kekkei genkai ability. Your clan is more than welcome to have a lightning theme, rather than calling it a kekkei genkai.

KEKKEI GENKAI ARE EITHER DOUJUTSU, OR A COMBINATION OF TWO ELEMENTS. Your technique is neither, so you shouldn't have a kekkei genkai at all.

I can't help but have the feeling that taking care of children growing up in the clan that are emitting a constant flow of electricity would lead to a lot of danger in childcare.



As for your history, there are still inaccuracies. I'd suggest that the clan's accident should happen at a little later age, after he's had time for his family to pass down the techniques, or at least be able to READ the scrolls that he got from what was left of his home. Seems a little far-fetched for him to learn techniques from a scroll when he'd hardly be old enough to read.


You also didn't pay attention to what I said about your ninjutsu, so you can read what I said last time and edit accordingly.

Let me know when you edit things again.

o0Temari0o
Crew


]-Kakashi-[
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:29 pm


CORRECTION:

Kekkai Genkai can be other things than either Dojutsu and extra elements.

However, Chakra are generally not attacks. That is to say, Kekkai Genkai rarely are themselves damaging. A Byakugan doesn't hurt anyone, it just makes it EASIER for the ninja who has one to hurt people in new and interesting ways.

Because of this, the rest of what Temari has said remains fairly true. Being able to be the Johhny Storm of lightning makes you a weapon 24/7, and while it's cool, and a good starting point for other jutsu, it's pretty damn powerful.

Still, I'm thinking of letting it go. I want other opinions on the subject.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:37 pm


]-Kakashi-[
CORRECTION:

Kekkai Genkai can be other things than either Dojutsu and extra elements.

However, Chakra are generally not attacks. That is to say, Kekkai Genkai rarely are themselves damaging. A Byakugan doesn't hurt anyone, it just makes it EASIER for the ninja who has one to hurt people in new and interesting ways.

Because of this, the rest of what Temari has said remains fairly true. Being able to be the Johhny Storm of lightning makes you a weapon 24/7, and while it's cool, and a good starting point for other jutsu, it's pretty damn powerful.

Still, I'm thinking of letting it go. I want other opinions on the subject.


I'd honestly say that if he removed the Force Lightning aspect of the Kekkei Genkai, being able to charge your body does sound like something that would be helpful without being too critically damaging, especially considering that his element is Lightning.

Desert_Wave
Vice Captain


The Third Tsukikage
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:38 pm


Kay, let me recommend some changes:

The constant emission thing seems ridiculously OP. He should have to turn it on and off and it should expend chakra.

Also, the electricity shouldn't naturally extend past his body. That should be a higher level of the ability to be attained that takes extra effort to use. The more effort and chakra put in, the farther he can extend the field.

He's basically suggesting a genin with the original Golden Eyes Raiyakugan that you just vetoed, except instead of controlling the lightning he shoots it out like a death field.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:43 pm


I was thinking a condition.

For example, whenever he gets hit, his body emits electricity. So if you hit him with your hand, you get shocked, if you hit him with a sword, you get shocked. If you slap him with a rubber glove...

Well, you're smart.

But you see what I mean? Conditional. Thoughts?

EDIT: Oh, and I agree, being able to take this electricity anywhere outside of his body is a no-no.

]-Kakashi-[
Crew


Desert_Wave
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:50 pm


]-Kakashi-[
I was thinking a condition.

For example, whenever he gets hit, his body emits electricity. So if you hit him with your hand, you get shocked, if you hit him with a sword, you get shocked. If you slap him with a rubber glove...

Well, you're smart.

But you see what I mean? Conditional. Thoughts?

EDIT: Oh, and I agree, being able to take this electricity anywhere outside of his body is a no-no.


Sounds like a good idea, as long as it has to either be activated or he'll up bending over backwards to avoid making physical contact with people. Which, now that I think it, would make for an entertaining character to RP as...
PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:55 pm


The charge could grow with time, that way it's not a powerful electrocution with a punch, but grows weaker or needs to charge up again.

Ocramol

Quotable Survivor

5,550 Points
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]-Kakashi-[
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 6:57 pm


You of all people should know how horrible it is to have such an antisocial ability.

Gaara.

Anyway. Lets let Reaper see what we wrote and alter as he sees fit.

Thanks for the help, gentlemen.
PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 7:01 pm


]-Kakashi-[
I was thinking a condition.

For example, whenever he gets hit, his body emits electricity. So if you hit him with your hand, you get shocked, if you hit him with a sword, you get shocked. If you slap him with a rubber glove...

Well, you're smart.

But you see what I mean? Conditional. Thoughts?

EDIT: Oh, and I agree, being able to take this electricity anywhere outside of his body is a no-no.


Sounds reasonable. But to what degree of pain will this cause the foe when he's hit?

A static shock?
A shock that causes a short-lasting tingling/numb sensation?
A shock that may cause an electrical burn?
A shock that could cause paralysis?


Typically, I'm against the idea of any character being capable of moves that could cause paralysis, even for Jounin. This doesn't mean that causing paralysis to another character is not allowed, since allowing yourself to be hit in a place that could cause paralysis (such as along the spinal cord) means that you'd deserve whatever pain is inflicted for your mistake of not covering your back. I just don't think that any permanent paralysis-inducing moves should be allowed.

o0Temari0o
Crew


blackreaper551

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:02 pm


ok, smile i've removed the force lightning aspect. while temari is right, i feel kakashi has a better idea of it. my kekkei genkai isnt so much a technique in itself, but a common physical mutation in members of haseo's clan, much like hyuuga are born with their byakugan, and much like they don't train the byakugan themselves,but built techniques using it. the shengsun took this, and using chakra, were able to make jutsu that enabled them to utilize it to empower both melee and ranged combat. the only training is similar to water walking or tree climbing, but without the added effect of control. it's used to increase the total charge available, and through that, the strength of the charge, much like one runs for hours to build lasting endurance. so yeah, while raising children with said ability is dangerous, it's also why every child is taught as soon as possible to suppress it to at least a static shock. so while haseo's lightning is suppressed the majority of the time, it can escape, especially when haseo gets extremely emotional, really tired, or haseo let's go. thus haseo has has grown up fairly level headed to avoid confrontation, suppressing his emotions to a degree, although after living with wolves he lost a little of that composure due to the pack mentality. he also spends a lot of money on materials that can't carry a charge for his home. thus he buys plastic silverware and dishes that he washes, and cooks most of his meals from scratch on the stove top. he learned how after his fifth microwave blew up from a stray touch.

[[edit]]
i've purposefully saved long-term paralasys for the higher levels anyway. at most for genin level, the defense may cause minor electrical burning,but nothing beyond a first/borderline second degree burn level. he used the static shock as an easy way to prank his classmates and teachers, much to their annoyance. i agree though, haseo will never have the ability to cause permanent paralysis with just his defense. that would be way OP for a character to just stand their and let peope hit them with melee atacks, knowing that they would lose use of the offending appendage.
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