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Negaverse: Lieutenant Edenite

Name: Maxx Amerie D’Ephemera

• (pronounced differently from the word ephemera... it's more like ef-fur-mi-rah... kinda) (OMGsh, just realised, that sounds like F*** her. :/ )
  
• She legally changed her first name because she thought her christened name was too old-fashioned and prissy... like her brothers' names. ._.; Really, you wouldn't WANT to know!

Age: 17

Virtues:

• Intelligent - Maxx isn't stupid. Far from it. She throws herself into her studies and because she is actually interested by it and yearns for knowledge, education is quite an enjoyable affair for her. Being home-schooled before moving to Destiny City, she has also learnt self-discipline. REWRITE.
  
  
• Courteous - Maxx is extremely polite. Having been bought up in a high class society, she knows how to address people correctly and how to flatter them. For this reason, she comes off as a very kind girl (which for the most, she is) and when she first meets someone, she genuinely tries to be friendly. Even if she detests someone, Maxx will always stay courteous in order to use their bogus trust to her own advantage. REWRITE.
  
  
• Taciturn- Maxx is [quote Wiki] ‘not in a manner inclined to speaking.’ She prefers to listen quietly (or as she calls it, ‘collecting information’), only voicing her opinion if she deems it absolutely necessary. This makes her a good person to talk to as she won’t try to fight for the spotlight. Of course, this doesn’t mean she doesn’t talk at all or that she’s passive, she just doesn’t like to talk to much as much as other girls.

Flaws:

• Wary/Not Trusting - Because Maxx's own manipulative ways, she feels that other people might be the same. In order to protect herself from getting hurt, she distances herself from other people, not letting herself put trust in them. In doing so, she inflicts grief upon herself as she pushes everyone way from her, resulting in no close friends. Sometimes she yearns for a true friend but she simply can’t let her wall down.
  (Weakness - She has no one to fall back on or to pour out her feelings to, leading her to bottle things up and... feel depressed... among other things. LOLWUT?) REWRITE.
  
  
• Sadistic - She may seem innocent enough but if you tick her off, Maxx revels in your pain. Whether it be mentally or physically (she prefers mentally), it brings a sweet sense of grotesque joy to her. REWRITE, ELABORATE.
  
  
• Manipulative - Not only is Maxx clever academically, she is also well learnt in the art of manipulation. She acts shrewdly and gains people's trust, later drawing on it for her own advantage if she has to.
  
  
• Possessive – Maxx is… to put it nicely, easily fixated. She doesn’t really like to share what is ‘rightfully’ hers. That includes people, her pets, her clothes and even her food (that is, if you can get possessive about food…). She gets insanely jealous if any of her pets appear to like someone else better than her. Maxx’s family is precious to her and the few friends acquaintances she has are equally as dear. She will protect and when needed, seek revenge justice on those who hurt them. Even her enemies, she will feel at times the need to protect. She thinks of them as belonging to her and therefore only she is allowed to scorn them. Possessive, selfish. What’s the difference? She can get a bit pathetic.
  (Weakness - People get annoyed at her for being so selfish and dislike her for it.
  Although she will not normally act irrationally, she tends to think up 'plans' that ultimately cause trouble for her. For instance, if she thinks someone is getting too close to HER friend, Maxx will try to sabotage their relationship and if/when the friend finds out, Maxx loses her friend (and it's not like she had a lot to begin with, anyway.))

Challenge: TBD

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Eyes: Slightly narrowed eyes (not "mean-looking" though). They are honey brown in colour.

Hair: Dark green hair. As in, “normal” #008000 green except a lot darker and a teeny tiny bit more yellow (sorry..LOL). I suppose it's darker than Creighton McKinnon's hair. She has a bob hair cut with a side swept fringe/bangs (it’s really more like a blunt fringe that goes a bit to the left). The bob is longer at the front and gradually gets shorter when you move to the back. In her human/disguised form, she has a large white bow on the left side of her head. In Negaverse form, she loses the bow and has a different, fancier hair accessory.

Face: She has an oval face and a very light splattering of brown freckles across the bridge of her nose.

Body: Maxx is 161cm tall and around 49kg.

Skin: Her skin tone is about the same as the model in the uniform reference picture (see below).

Fashion: Wanna take a guess?
Vintage/retro of course. ;D
EXAMPLES.
MOAR EXAMPLES.

Uniform:

Maxx’s Negaverse uniform is like the outfit shown in the picture above except in grey (iunno what shade yet..)
But you see those two holes (are they holes?)… imagine them as giant white buttons, not holes... but I don't really mind (Thank-you for the idea Shiningamisgirl!)
Also, please ignore the head. No hat and not that hairstyle either…
Gloves – Your choice Natsu!
Belt – Already kinda “built in” to the design of the clothes
Shoes – These gorgeous booties. Except in white. (:
Shoulders – Yes, shoulders would be nice… LOL, N/A
Accessories – Her hair accessory is an ornament not unlike the Gaia Snow Feather (Hair Flourish) item (except smaller in size in proportion to the head) Any hair accessory that Natsu thinks up will be awesome. (:

Weapon:
Lieutenant – TBD
Captain – TBD
General – TBD, but it will be called Nocturnal
General King - ???

Reserved.

-bounces in to crit!- Muahaha! Letseee..

I'm loving everything about her so far! Her look, the ethnicity -hells yes thank you!- Family info!!! -fweeee!- EVERYTHING!

Her hobbies are well fleshed and interesting! Where she looses some of her uniqueness is in her virtues -nods-
True they work with her -their lovely- But patient is a tad..ehm..overrun?
Patient just doesnt seem like the right word I suppose, yes she can wait for anything but patience demands a bit more then that! Its nice to know that she can chill while waiting for an opponent or watch her prey for endless hours until its time to pounce..but I'd like to see a bit more then that in there.
If she cant wait passively then its not true patience.
Sadly I cant think of another word -shot- But maybe go to dictionairy.com and look in the thesaurus section? See if there are any offshoots of that word that would fit her style of patience better!

About the loyal thing..-also sees that alot- It seems to me that a lot of people who make their chars 'loyal' also make them a step beyond that (My char is so loyal that if you ever hurt his loved one he would hurt you back soo badly! etc..etc...) Maybe Fiercely Loyal, or Irrationally loyal, would better explain your character. (As just being loyal doesn't mean you'd kill for that person. Loyal also means a good follower, someone who can be well trusted and depended on..etc..)

As for her flaws, I kno you have four -and I fricking love them all- But you should totally toss possessive in there anyways..because she seems completely possessive, easily fixated, revenge loving/vengeful , a whole bunch of other stuff!

Vain and childish are nice..though she doesn't seem childish to me, like an intelligent conniving adult more then a kid really.
Enjoying childish activitys like coloring or cartoons, stuffed animals..that doesnt truly make her childish. As childish seems like more of an emotional mental state then a thing that involves physical actions.

If you call someone childish your saying they act like a total little kid, you dont usually call them childish because they still like swings or cartoons..

Everything else on her is perfect! -did I mention I fricking love her outfit omg!- And you should keep it as is!

When I said leave it as is, I meant dont go totally changing everything around just on accounta my crit -nods- But! What you could do is you could have it a light or dark grey, heck you could have it white! -remember you can play hard and fast with the uniforms -nods- As for the holes in the outfit, you might wanna have them either not be there, Or! You could have buttons or pins, or etc -giant buttons?- fill the place where the holes are. Either way I rather like what Ideas you have going, and I'm glad your changing a few things!.

-pets- do not worry love I am a gentle and lurving critique..-snuggsss- Dictionary.com is like..my bible for coming up with things and finding proper word definitions.

Also! You can have as many flaws/virtues as you want! They just like you to narrow it down to 4 Main virtues and flaws so it makes it easier for them when art time comes.

Note to self:
Avery Rose
Milla Plum

WOOSH~! I'm here to critique < 3.
It's perfect that you included her family information.
It definitely shows you went the extra mile to provide more character.
I've one question/suggestion though. You might want to elaborate on her mother's death. That is IF, it affected Maxx in a mental way.
In your Intelligent virtue, I like it. However, you included Manipulative, in a virtue. You might want to add that as a separate Flaw, that is linked with it, instead.
As for her Wary flaw, I'd suggest describing more on why she thinks she might get "hurt". Did she have previous bad experiences with her friends, etc? Is that why she shuts herself off from trusting too much?
Sadistic, once again provide reasoning! How did she become Sadistic, exactly? Or does she simply revel in the the feeling of power when inflicting pain?
I'm sorry if I sounded really mean >o<.
Other then that, I really do love her character (;
One random last question though. May I ask why you choose a gun as a weapon? ^^.

o.o This is a roleplay character, rite?

Also, I have no knowledge of the 'Negaverse' thing, which I eventually figured out was a Sailor Moon reference and went to look it up. So anything to do with that, I won't be able to help with.

As a previous Neopets-roleplayer, I also tend to focus on all the negatives and pass over the positives because obviously those don't need any work. So if my critique seems overly nasty or harsh, that's why - I just haven't taken the time to say 'oh, you've done this part well' or 'this part's fantastic'.

---

Firstly - the only sign of any real depth in your character I found was in her flaws and virtues. The rest of it seems like meaningless detail that you've either, a: added in to make it seem your character is more fleshed out, or b: thought was interesting and decided to put it in for kicks. For example - when on earth is Tandoori Chicken ever going to come up in a roleplay? Least favourite foods are almost completely irrelevant in any roleplay situation, unless they're applying for a food tasting job or something.

If you're going to add in all of that irrelevant/useless detail, find some way that it adds to your character and creates a certain atmosphere in which they're created. Why bother listing their sign and gemstone unless it has a special significance to your character? Or maybe it has some Sailor Moon reference - but as previously noted, I have absolutely no knowledge in that aspect.

I'm also wondering why her family doesn't have the same sir name. Is that just a mistake, or did you not mention their last names, or is there a specific reason that they're all different? If it's the last one, I'd probably mention why.

Simply, without going into every single detail, I believe you've spent way too much time on the petty details of your character, eg. whether they're left handed or right handed, or like owls or dogs more, than the more... important things.
You've said very little about what's actually shaped your character into the person that they are, any strong opinions that they have, developed any strong emotional bonds with the few - and hence important - relationships that she has. The few traumatizing events in her life you've barely mentioned at all - like the death of her mother, which has been mentioned at all, would have adverse affects in any situation - even if it were simply growing up without a mother, and how that would have affected her personality.

This negaverse thing you've also only mentioned the once, and that's in reference to her outfit. I don't actually know, but does this negaverse thing have any affect on personality at all? Or is it just some kind of hobby, and therefore isn't important enough to affect your character?

Similarly, I think a history of some sort helps to flesh out your character in more detail and fit the nuances better to her anyway. Hope I wasn't too mean in my critique. ;]