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 Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 12:56 pm
I'm rewriting this. Soka's a new character, and I haven't had a chance to work with her much. I am in several breedables shops, and have some skill with writing. Since she is new, I would like to improve upon her character as I write her.
Name: Soka
Age: Around fourteen
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Craft: Harper
Rank: Apprentice Singer/candidate
History: Soka was orphaned at a young age; having been around five or six turns. Her parents were holdless, and abandoned her. So, after being found by one of the older apprentices, she was taken in by a minor harper hall, where she was at first trained with the other girls as a singer. She had no especial talent in this area, despite having worked with a skilled master. (Though never one-on-one). She is no Piemur. She has a deeper voice and was never able to reach soprano, though it has a nice sound to it. A cheerful purr, almost. She would have been made a journey-woman, but Search... You know how it is. She often is timid around men, suggesting that she'd had a bad history with them. She doesn't remember which hold she came from originally, nor who her parents were.
Though her singing abilities were lacking, she had talent with stringed instruments. She was placed under the Instruments Master. She has an ear for pitch and tone, making it easy for her to play it by ear, as well as from written notes.
Appearance: Soka has long mouse-brown hair that reaches to her waist, and large fawn-like eyes, chocolate in color. Her skin is tan from being outdoors, and more often than not, looking for firelizards. She has a splash of freckles on her nose, they blend in with her skin when she blushes. Her facial features are sharp and defined, she has high cheek bones and a warm smile. She isn't the prettiest girl; she's slightly chubby, (from eating all those bubbly pies at the gathers!) and has no feature that would make you want to look at her again. There is a certain charm about her, though. That makes people smile.
Her hands are nimble and quick, though calloused from playing strings.
Personality: Soka is on whole a very sweet, caring person. Because she was orphaned as a child, she's quieter than some, and can be shy at times. She tends to be easy-going and is easily one of the most agreeable people you'll ever meet, once you gain her trust, that is. She seems to have a fear of most men, until she gets to know them. She probably would not make a good Queen Rider, because during the mating flight, she would more than likely lose control of her dragon. She would freeze up in fear of the bronze rider she was with; unless it was someone she knew well, and liked.
She seems to have a talent with all animals, having gentle hands and a warm, soothing voice. She'd probably be a good healer, if only she'd been apprenticed there instead. Once she has known someone long enough, she can appear opinionated. She has strong beliefs, and hates being corrected. She likes to learn things on her own, her Weyrling Master better be careful! She's not above trying to go Between without being properly taught, if she thinks she and her dragon are ready. Later on, she may become a bit of a trouble maker. She likes things to be done her away, or not at all.
Other: Revised! Hope this version improved her character. I had been going by the fact that the girls in the HarperHall series were all under one woman, instead of a Master like Menolly or Piemur. I should have realized that they had masters as well, just not special one-on-one lessons like the main characters.
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:30 pm
Revised ^ ^ I gave her a talent to keep her in the hall, as well as gave her more history.
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:47 pm
Hey Thali. Couple things we still need fixed.
- We're not really sure about this abandoned as a child thing. At the very least, we're going to need more details on that. Why were her parents Holdless? With Thread soon to fall, being Holdless could mean certain death. They would have to have a reason. Most likely, they would be traders. The only other excuse for being Holdess would be for suspected murderers who can't be proven of the crime enough to warrant death (extremely rare) or other serious offenders, and it's doubtful anyone of that sort would pair off to have children then keep the kid around so long.
- We'll also need you to specific why they did keep her so long. Abandoning a baby makes sense for unfit parents, but why keep her until she was that old then get rid of her?
- We'll need you to clarify on the "bad history" with men, or if she really is just afraid of them for no reason. Rapists and woman beaters would be thrown out of Harper Hall before they could do any real damage.
- During mating flights, riders are overwhelmed by their dragons emotions. Their own fear would have no real effect on their sexual encounters during such time, so we'll need you to change that. Even a raging feminist would give in, and that goes for any color.
- Going between is a very serious thing and not something all Weyrbrats just know in detail how to do. If she did Impress, this could have consequences, namely that she and her dragon could get stuck and die. If you don't mind that, keeping that quirk is fine, but our Weyrlings won't just go between before their time without any prior instructions and be a-okay.
As a side note, developing a character prior to RP in this shop is more important than most others. We need a profile to help match with potential dragons. The more detailed it is, the more likely a match. And your involvement in other shops isn't really relevant. All entries are subject to the same things no matter who the writer is.
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:22 pm
I'm sorry. I really focused on the cannon while writing it, and maybe I shouldn't have picked up on some traits of some riders. There were queen riders who froze up before/during the mating flight. Brekke was one, before the dragons fought. You have to control your dragon beforehand, and not lose control. Or they go between. Only after you gain control of the dragon do you go into a dragonized passion. I only meant that Soka wouldn't be able to do that. She'd freeze. If some weyrleader came at her and shouted to control her dragon, she'd be afraid.
I said she might be more prone to pulling stunts like that. Lessa did. She got in trouble for it, too.
Traders aren't always the best parents. Aramina's--not so much. They could have found shelter in a cave. I was thinking her father could have been abusive leading to her fear of men.
I'll keep working on her past. I might submit some older characters who have a well written history.
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Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 12:50 pm
Like it says in the first post:
Disclaimer: This shop is acknowledged as loose canon. Events, information and even the dragons themselves may or may not be entirely accurate when compared to canon. This is intentional and we claim no ownership of Anne McCaffery's work.
Since you seem to have read a fair number of the books, I'm sure you realize in many of her works Anne contradicts herself at points. Things get more huh? when Todd comes in with her and they both retcon a lot / change a lot. (Like him or hate him, she not only gave him permission, she worked with him. His are part of the series.)
Thus, we, like most RPs, have made a branch off canon that is "ours". It says this many places throughout the shop, and this is why we have made detailed guides to help people know what the difference is.
I have read the series, as have most of the staff. We don't need to be lectured or told what it is or isn't canon. The very first post of the shop acknowledges we are not canon.
That being said, if you change things to fit our canon, we will be happy to accept her.
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Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 2:16 pm
Name: Soka
Age: Around fourteen
Gender: Female
Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
Craft: Harper
Rank: Apprentice Singer/candidate
History: Soka was orphaned at a young age; having been around five or six turns. Her parents were holdless traders, and abandoned her during a time when they knew thread was near. She had never gotten on well with her father; and it was his decision. Perhaps he was hoping she wouldn't survive, having been so young.
So, after being found by one of the older apprentices, she was taken in by a minor harper hall, where she was at first trained with the other girls as a singer. She had no especial talent in this area, despite having worked with a skilled master. (Though never one-on-one). She is no Piemur. She has a deeper voice and was never able to reach soprano, though it has a nice sound to it. A cheerful purr, almost. She would have been made a journey-woman, but Search... You know how it is. She often is timid around men, suggesting that she'd had a bad history with them. She doesn't remember which hold she came from originally, nor who her parents were. Other than that they were traders, and didn't have much to spare. She quite intentionally repressed her darkest memories, hiding them from even herself.
Though her singing abilities were lacking, she had talent with stringed instruments. She was placed under the Instruments Master. She has an ear for pitch and tone, making it easy for her to play it by ear, as well as from written notes.
Appearance: Soka has long mouse-brown hair that reaches to her waist, and large fawn-like eyes, chocolate in color. Her skin is tan from being outdoors, and more often than not, looking for firelizards. She has a splash of freckles on her nose, they blend in with her skin when she blushes. Her facial features are sharp and defined, she has high cheek bones and a warm smile. She isn't the prettiest girl; she's slightly chubby, (from eating all those bubbly pies at the gathers!) and has no feature that would make you want to look at her again. There is a certain charm about her, though. That makes people smile.
Her hands are nimble and quick, though calloused from playing strings.
Personality: Soka is on whole a very sweet, caring person. Because she was orphaned as a child, she's quieter than some, and can be shy at times. She tends to be easy-going and is easily one of the most agreeable people you'll ever meet, once you gain her trust, that is. She seems to have a fear of most men, until she gets to know them. This is because her father was cruel towards her until she was abandoned. She doesn't remember much of this. Only flashes of memory, but they're bad enough to cause her to fear.
She seems to have a talent with all animals, having gentle hands and a warm, soothing voice. She'd probably be a good healer, if only she'd been apprenticed there instead. Once she has known someone long enough, she can appear opinionated. She has strong beliefs, and hates being corrected. She likes to learn things on her own, her Weyrling Master better be careful! She's not above attempting new flight formations if she believes she and her dragon are ready. Of course, she would never intentionally in danger her dragon. Assuming that weyrlings are prone to mischeif, she would be one of the top ten most rebellious. Searching through unlit, unpeopled halls with a half-dead glow? You can expect that. She can be stubborn, she doesn't like authority figures, unless she gets to know them. Otherwise... she likes things to be done her away, or not at all.
Other: I thought I'd repost this. I edited out the parts that didn't fit this Pern, and I hope it's approved? <3
I apologize as well. I wasn't meaning to lecture.
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Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:10 pm
Unfortunately, I still need more from you about her orphan past. The plausibility of the situation is quite low, and I'm afraid I can't accept a vague history with an event like this. Everything needs to be extremely specific.
Though she was orphaned at six, why was she orphaned? Traders live in bands, not just by themselves, and so she could have easily been raised by the group of them if her father didn't like her. And what about her mother? Why would she allow her husband/father of her children to just leave their child in the middle of nowhere?
When she was found by an older apprentice (where was she found and why was the older apprentice there) why was she adopted by them and allowed to stay in the Harper Hall? She has no family there, and you don't specify who took her in despite the fact that they were not blood related. Not to mention, at five or six she should know who her parents are and be able to tell people that she's lost and her family are traders. You mention later on she doesn't remember them because she's suppressing dark memories, but don't tell us what these dark memories are or why at five or six she's repressing them. The same thing with her bad history with men. What bad history? It says in her personality that her father was cruel to her, but no further comment on the matter. How was he cruel to her? Why?
The length of your personality is definitely a plus, however she has no flaws. You've given her three Craft talents, as well as contradicted yourself in the second paragraph on the majority of the character traits you gave her in the first place. She's shy, easy-going and agreeable, but then in the second paragraph she changes to being rebellious, with strong beliefs, and doesn't like authority figures. I need you to focus on traits that give us good, solid insight into your character. For example, though she was Harper trained, you haven't given us any indication of whether or not she liked being a Harper or how music plays a role in her life. Other things as well like what does she like? What does she dislike? Does she have dreams or motivations to go beyond what she already has?
Just fill in the blanks for us and we'll be glad to approve her.
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