|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:58 pm
Many have said this is the best peom I've ever wrote o 3o
The love now fades, to no longer be felt.
Visions of joy, away they shall melt.
Is it truly real, do I even exist.
So unsolid and transparent, I feel like the mist.
My limbs outstrecthed, as I begin to falter.
Like praying to false gods, and looking to their alter.
Fathom such love, thats so far away.
That restless unpeaceful feeling, goes without say.
A glimpse what's this, do I feel its existance.
Yes and no, it's just a mocking instance.
I search and I wander, where do I go.
A fate so cruel, how could it be so.
The love now faded, did there even burn such a fire.
Or are the ashes eternal, of the something I desire.
A fairy tale could be, of which I must atone.
Just another morning awoken, just another day alone.
The fairy's phenomenon, its just a child's tale.
If only there was a direction, to which to set sail.
Still I wonder endless, in search of that brilliant fire.
If there's even such a thing, as the something I desire.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:49 am
Not bad, but it's kind of forced in some places. Plus the grammar and spelling could do with work. I don't know much about poetry, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but bits like... Quote: Is it truely real, do I even exist. ...they bother me. I think it would work better if there was a question mark. Basically, a lot of it comes off like the speaker doesn't really care about what they're saying. It's like you've written heavily emotional dialogue, but it's being spoken by an actor who's only capable of dull surprise. I'm not sure what's causing that, but you may want to look at it closer.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:42 pm
Well spelling is one thing and I'm not the best at spelling, grammer is another.
theres nothing saying I have to follow any rules of grammer in peotry, now I dont mind a little critizism, but Id critize you to not critize grammer or you might find some angry peots on your a**
my 'grammer' is simple structure of how its meant to be read out loud
Is it truely real ,(pause) do I even exist .(end of line) <<;
I'm curious to what you mean by forced in some places?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:52 pm
Sorry if you get mad, but it's a force of habit:
It should be spelt "truly" "outstretched" "their" "that's" "what's" "it's" "child's" and "there's"
Again, sorry, it's just a force of habit sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 8:55 pm
Nah I didnt get mad, I was just saying some people would get mad of critizing thier poetry for not having proper grammer grammer.
-shrugs-
Im not the greatest at spelling x3?
And the Idea is a hand full of points of veiw making statements about whatever it is that is desired which would be love.
Is it Truly real, do I even exist.
Would be the stand point of love's questioning if it itself even exists
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
