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 Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 1:05 pm
Hey guys, I'll just be honest. My lifestyle is soooooooooooooooooooooo unhealthy.
I've gained a lot of weight the past two years and I'm not sure if the weight gain was natural or if it was because my unhealthy lifestyle became 2x worse these past two years.
Last year I devoted practically a whole year to trying to diet with "lifestyle changes".
It started off innocently, I wasn't that heavy yet and I genuinely wanted to take the lifestyle route my cousin took, I wanted to be a health nut like her. I told myself and everyone else, "I really just want to be healthy and if I happen to lose a few pounds that'll be nice too." And that's how I genuinely felt, sure I wanted to lose weight but I wanted my health to be more important.
But as the year progressed and I kept falling off whatever routine I set up for myself I became less concerned with the health and more obsessed with losing the weight. I dreamed of weightloss medication and thought, "If only I knew that didn't work."
Luckily, thankfully, I found HAES right as I started therapy for depression (the depression and the dieting had nothing to do with each other but I'm sure they went nicely hand in hand.) I started therapy in January and found HAES around February.
So now here's my problem:
I really want to be healthy but I'm afraid that if I start making the changes to be healthy I'm going to become obsessed with weight again. I'm not okay with my body, I'm not okay with how I look.
And when I'm talking about being unhealthy it has actually nothing to do with my weight. I eat practically nothing but microwave meals and fast food. I drink gallons of soda a week and drink practically no water. Forget a balanced diet, I am full of nothing but protein and carbs.
And I've ALWAYS hated exercise. Ever since I was little I've always hated getting off the couch (and I'd like to point out to any naysayers out there who are against HAES that I was like this at my skinniest which was around 140lb which is near overweight for my height at the time but I was still as skinny if not skinnier than some of the athletes, which also goes to show that weight distributes itself different *steps off soap box*)
So I barely get any exercise other than walking from my car to my school and only that little bit makes me tired.
I'm young. I want to enjoy good health while I can and I want to quit sabotaging my health for the future.
How can I start trying to become healthier without it turning into something to lose weight? How can I tell myself "Okay I ate until I was full this week but I also ate more fruit, less fast food, and replaced half of my soda with water, it's okay that I still fit into these jeans and that I might always fit into these jeans." and let it stick?
I'm just so afraid, I catch myself thinking "Man I wish HAES didn't make sense to me so I could go back to that pipedream of weight loss." I think it's part of my depression but I think this is the one issue I can't talk to my therapist about and have him understand (and don't get me wrong because I have bigger issues than this and my therapist kicks a**.)
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:42 pm
oh, honey, don't i know. it's hard. it's SO hard. and i don't have an answer. but all i can say is the best thing you might do is just do the healthy life stuff first, and THEN address the issues that may arise as a result. after all, if what you WANT is to eat a more balanced diet, for instance, then... do that. don't sabotage yourself before you even start by thinking about what you MIGHT think and feel once you're working on eating differently. just do the different eating. IF you start having fat-hating thoughts, remember that it is those thoughts that are the problem here, not your healthy food! and we're here to help support you when you feel yourself falling back into fat-hating thoughts, so reach out.
but seriously, the best advice i can give is don't sabotage yourself with what-ifs before you even get started. do what you want to do - whether it be eating more fruit, getting more exercise, or becoming an astronaut, whatever - and don't stop first and say "but it might fail. but i might be terrible at it. but i might start hating myself." no. just DO it.
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:57 pm
Starlurk How can I start trying to become healthier without it turning into something to lose weight? How can I tell myself "Okay I ate until I was full this week but I also ate more fruit, less fast food, and replaced half of my soda with water, it's okay that I still fit into these jeans and that I might always fit into these jeans." and let it stick?
I think Kermie said it very well with Just Do It. Begin to make the changes you want too and don't think too hard about how difficult it MIGHT be, or IF you don't stick to your new plan perfectly. Also, don't try to change everything all at once-start slow, by changing one little thing. I got myself to stop drinking pop by carrying a water bottle with me all the time. Anytime it gets empty I refill it so I'm not going to go waste money on carbonated sugar water. I pack a healthy lunch from home (or at least semi healthy) to save money in the caf at school and so I'm not stuck with the greasy fries option.
If you have control over what groceries are bought for your home, next time you go for them budget in some real fresh fruits and veggies; don't worry about if they're locally grown or organic if you're short on cash, just make sure you get them. While you're out, don't buy foods you know you don't want to continue to eat; I eat way more junk food if it's in the house than if it's not.
Now, with all that being said, remember that part of HAES is eating what you want, when you want it, and that includes cake or cookies, chips or soda. If that's what you REALLY want, then have some. You're not being 'good' or 'bad' or 'rewarding yourself' for anything; you're just eating x item because you want too. There may be an emotional, mental or just pure physical reason your body says to you "Hey Starlurk, you really really want pie. Go find some." Maybe it's because you miss your grandma, and she made GREAT pie. Maybe you want cherry pie because there's some antioxidant in cherries your body wants. Maybe you just want some, with icecream on the side, because that's what you want. smile Keep us posted and remember, we are totally here for you.
love as thou wilt
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:28 pm
I totally hear you on this!
I'm similarly extremely picky when it comes to exercise (the only fun kind I've found is badminton, but no one has the equipment), and my diet is packed with protein and carbs (thanks, college meal plan of crap!).
I know I need to do better, but I keep finding excuses to stay the same or miss opportunities to improve. One of my major excuses is that I don't want to get sucked back into the negative vortex of anti-fat thinking...
Is there some kind of way we can make a buddy system, you and me?
Like what anti-fat dieters do to motivate each other to lose weight, but, you and I, we'll just try to check in and ask once a week or so what little improvement in diet or activity we've made, just highlights some good, body(/mind)-positive choices we've made?
If this is not to your liking, feel free to reject my offer. I'm just trying to find a system that works for me, and I don't think I trust anyone here enough to ask that of them, especially since half the people in my residence hall are anti-fat super-dieters...
Edit: maybe this would be a good indirect resource. The author gives a label to obsessive thoughts about food and weight (hamster attack) and mentions a kind of therapy she's going to try to defend herself against hamster attacks.
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:32 pm
kerminatrix oh, honey, don't i know. it's hard. it's SO hard. and i don't have an answer. but all i can say is the best thing you might do is just do the healthy life stuff first, and THEN address the issues that may arise as a result. after all, if what you WANT is to eat a more balanced diet, for instance, then... do that. don't sabotage yourself before you even start by thinking about what you MIGHT think and feel once you're working on eating differently. just do the different eating. IF you start having fat-hating thoughts, remember that it is those thoughts that are the problem here, not your healthy food! and we're here to help support you when you feel yourself falling back into fat-hating thoughts, so reach out. but seriously, the best advice i can give is don't sabotage yourself with what-ifs before you even get started. do what you want to do - whether it be eating more fruit, getting more exercise, or becoming an astronaut, whatever - and don't stop first and say "but it might fail. but i might be terrible at it. but i might start hating myself." no. just DO it. Thank you smile I've been awfully overwhelmed this week and it looks like the rest of my month is going to be just as bad sweatdrop So tomorrow after therapy (thank God I have therapy tomorrow) I'm going to try and talk to my therapist about it. I loooove my therapist but it bothers me when we talk about weight, he's a naturally big boy himself but whenever I bring up weight he says "x% of most weight problems is caused by poor nutrition." And I'm like yeah I do have poor nutrition and I don't exercise (which I should just to fight my depression but I also should because I want to) and that *might* be why I gained my weight but I don't want to change my eating habits and exercising habits and start obsessing over weight again. neutral
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:37 pm
LadyEladrin Starlurk How can I start trying to become healthier without it turning into something to lose weight? How can I tell myself "Okay I ate until I was full this week but I also ate more fruit, less fast food, and replaced half of my soda with water, it's okay that I still fit into these jeans and that I might always fit into these jeans." and let it stick?
I think Kermie said it very well with Just Do It. Begin to make the changes you want too and don't think too hard about how difficult it MIGHT be, or IF you don't stick to your new plan perfectly. Also, don't try to change everything all at once-start slow, by changing one little thing. I got myself to stop drinking pop by carrying a water bottle with me all the time. Anytime it gets empty I refill it so I'm not going to go waste money on carbonated sugar water. I pack a healthy lunch from home (or at least semi healthy) to save money in the caf at school and so I'm not stuck with the greasy fries option.
If you have control over what groceries are bought for your home, next time you go for them budget in some real fresh fruits and veggies; don't worry about if they're locally grown or organic if you're short on cash, just make sure you get them. While you're out, don't buy foods you know you don't want to continue to eat; I eat way more junk food if it's in the house than if it's not.
Now, with all that being said, remember that part of HAES is eating what you want, when you want it, and that includes cake or cookies, chips or soda. If that's what you REALLY want, then have some. You're not being 'good' or 'bad' or 'rewarding yourself' for anything; you're just eating x item because you want too. There may be an emotional, mental or just pure physical reason your body says to you "Hey Starlurk, you really really want pie. Go find some." Maybe it's because you miss your grandma, and she made GREAT pie. Maybe you want cherry pie because there's some antioxidant in cherries your body wants. Maybe you just want some, with icecream on the side, because that's what you want. smile Keep us posted and remember, we are totally here for you.
love as thou wilt Thank you! I'm really interested by intuitive eating but I also can't help that think that the more we eat a certain type of food the more our body becomes accustomed to asking for it, ya know what I mean? So I'm hoping that if I start regularly introducing varied types of food into my diet (less carbs and protein, more fruit and veggies XD) my body will start asking for those more too. I have a problem when it comes to soda though, my body asks for soda 24/7, even after the soda quits tasting good (and if you've ever had 2 cokes a day for weeks on end, it quits tasting good XD) even when drinking a soda makes me feel sick *while I'm drinking it*. I'm genuinely addicted. I actually talked to my health-nut aunt about this, she craves Pepsi all the time. She told me that when she started drinking the Throw Back Pepsi that replaced the high fructose corn syrup with just plain sugar she quit craving soda so badly. I know I'm not addicted to the caffeine or the carbonation so I've been mulling that one over in my head. sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:43 pm
Nayva I totally hear you on this!
I'm similarly extremely picky when it comes to exercise (the only fun kind I've found is badminton, but no one has the equipment), and my diet is packed with protein and carbs (thanks, college meal plan of crap!).
I know I need to do better, but I keep finding excuses to stay the same or miss opportunities to improve. One of my major excuses is that I don't want to get sucked back into the negative vortex of anti-fat thinking...
Is there some kind of way we can make a buddy system, you and me?
Like what anti-fat dieters do to motivate each other to lose weight, but, you and I, we'll just try to check in and ask once a week or so what little improvement in diet or activity we've made, just highlights some good, body(/mind)-positive choices we've made?
If this is not to your liking, feel free to reject my offer. I'm just trying to find a system that works for me, and I don't think I trust anyone here enough to ask that of them, especially since half the people in my residence hall are anti-fat super-dieters...
Edit: maybe this would be a good indirect resource. The author gives a label to obsessive thoughts about food and weight (hamster attack) and mentions a kind of therapy she's going to try to defend herself against hamster attacks.That'd be a great idea! Maybe we should do it in a public thread (in this guild) so people can call us on it if we *both* get too caught up in the wrong mindset. I definitely need to start exercising. The two that have interested me the most is weightlifting and yoga. The problem is, my school schedule gets in the way of yoga and I don't know anyone who'll show me how to lift the weights properly. I bought an *awesome* book about women weightlifting that had a 90 day plan for lifting weights. The theme of the book wasn't "90 days and you're done!" the theme was "90 days and you're on your way!" I love that XD But when I did the exercises I could tell I wasn't doing them correctly so I quit doing them. I also need to start drinking more water and less soda. Period. XD How about you? E: I also forgot to add, I want to work with intuitive eating but as it stands I often forget to eat. Most days I only eat once or twice a day or if I just bought groceries I'll graze through the day without realizing it. I just don't think about eating. When I was trying to diet all I could think about was eating but when I'm not trying to control my eating I'll never think about it. And it's not that I'm not hungry either, a lot of times I'll be out somewhere and suddenly I'm like, "Whoa I've been hungry! If I don't eat now I'm going to faint!" So that's something I want to fix also.
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:56 pm
This too is sacred I love that you're so aware of yourself and your habits and thinking, Starlurk. It's refreshing and encouraging. smile
Remembering to eat: Just keep an eye on the clock--do you wear a watch? Check it and every 3-4 hours have a snack; an apple, granola bar, something small, to tide you over between meals. For meals, the most important one really IS breakfast. Eat that and it will prime your body to ask for more during the day. Worked on my hubby; he used to just eat dinner and drink tea all day. Now he eats breakfast and he notices his hunger much more and takes better care of himself. love as thou wilt
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Posted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:43 am
Starlurk That'd be a great idea! Maybe we should do it in a public thread (in this guild) so people can call us on it if we *both* get too caught up in the wrong mindset. I definitely need to start exercising. The two that have interested me the most is weightlifting and yoga. The problem is, my school schedule gets in the way of yoga and I don't know anyone who'll show me how to lift the weights properly. I bought an *awesome* book about women weightlifting that had a 90 day plan for lifting weights. The theme of the book wasn't "90 days and you're done!" the theme was "90 days and you're on your way!" I love that XD But when I did the exercises I could tell I wasn't doing them correctly so I quit doing them. I also need to start drinking more water and less soda. Period. XD How about you? E: I also forgot to add, I want to work with intuitive eating but as it stands I often forget to eat. Most days I only eat once or twice a day or if I just bought groceries I'll graze through the day without realizing it. I just don't think about eating. When I was trying to diet all I could think about was eating but when I'm not trying to control my eating I'll never think about it. And it's not that I'm not hungry either, a lot of times I'll be out somewhere and suddenly I'm like, "Whoa I've been hungry! If I don't eat now I'm going to faint!" So that's something I want to fix also. T he public thread sounds brilliant! Maybe we could even get a Buddy System sub-forum?
I'm pretty sure you could find a how-to for lifting weights on youtube. I mean, they've got everything there! Ditto for yoga videos, now that I think about it. I'm pretty sure someone has mentioned (to me or on internet?) that they do yoga from youtube.
Me, I'm severely lacking in the time department just because I'm double-majoring, so I have a huge credit load (and it's going to be bigger--over the limit!--next semester). So I'm not going to make any super lofty goals. I'm just going to say I hope to stretch or do equipment-free exercises like jumping jacks or wall sits or push-ups in my room between homework assignments.
I need to eat more veggies. Srsly. I didn't have a single veggie today. I think I'll maybe try buying those V8 Vfusion things? The ones displayed in the dining hall are... yuck to the extreme.
Definitely need to work on my breakfast. On the weekends, I'm good because I get all-you-care-to-eat brunches built into my meal plan. But weekdays, I have one cinnamon sugar pop-tart and one little box of chocolate milk. That's it. I totally get the same OMG I AM SUPAR HUNGRY allofasudden thing, too. I get the whole light-headed, head-ache, gonna faint thing (especially if I don't eat first thing in the morning, after an alarm has woken me). My sister is hypoglycemic, too, (she fainted off a horse once!!) so I think maybe I has it from genetics or from psyching myself out.
I'm thinking of maybe having four meals in my day. Like breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, dinner? Dinners are so early here, though! I hate it! Here = 5:30 ish, Home = 7:40 ish. Spain (next year home, hopefully) = 9:00 !!
I also need to get more sleep. D:
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Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 5:28 am
Nayva Starlurk That'd be a great idea! Maybe we should do it in a public thread (in this guild) so people can call us on it if we *both* get too caught up in the wrong mindset. I definitely need to start exercising. The two that have interested me the most is weightlifting and yoga. The problem is, my school schedule gets in the way of yoga and I don't know anyone who'll show me how to lift the weights properly. I bought an *awesome* book about women weightlifting that had a 90 day plan for lifting weights. The theme of the book wasn't "90 days and you're done!" the theme was "90 days and you're on your way!" I love that XD But when I did the exercises I could tell I wasn't doing them correctly so I quit doing them. I also need to start drinking more water and less soda. Period. XD How about you? E: I also forgot to add, I want to work with intuitive eating but as it stands I often forget to eat. Most days I only eat once or twice a day or if I just bought groceries I'll graze through the day without realizing it. I just don't think about eating. When I was trying to diet all I could think about was eating but when I'm not trying to control my eating I'll never think about it. And it's not that I'm not hungry either, a lot of times I'll be out somewhere and suddenly I'm like, "Whoa I've been hungry! If I don't eat now I'm going to faint!" So that's something I want to fix also. T he public thread sounds brilliant! Maybe we could even get a Buddy System sub-forum?
I'm pretty sure you could find a how-to for lifting weights on youtube. I mean, they've got everything there! Ditto for yoga videos, now that I think about it. I'm pretty sure someone has mentioned (to me or on internet?) that they do yoga from youtube.
Me, I'm severely lacking in the time department just because I'm double-majoring, so I have a huge credit load (and it's going to be bigger--over the limit!--next semester). So I'm not going to make any super lofty goals. I'm just going to say I hope to stretch or do equipment-free exercises like jumping jacks or wall sits or push-ups in my room between homework assignments.
I need to eat more veggies. Srsly. I didn't have a single veggie today. I think I'll maybe try buying those V8 Vfusion things? The ones displayed in the dining hall are... yuck to the extreme.
Definitely need to work on my breakfast. On the weekends, I'm good because I get all-you-care-to-eat brunches built into my meal plan. But weekdays, I have one cinnamon sugar pop-tart and one little box of chocolate milk. That's it. I totally get the same OMG I AM SUPAR HUNGRY allofasudden thing, too. I get the whole light-headed, head-ache, gonna faint thing (especially if I don't eat first thing in the morning, after an alarm has woken me). My sister is hypoglycemic, too, (she fainted off a horse once!!) so I think maybe I has it from genetics or from psyching myself out.
I'm thinking of maybe having four meals in my day. Like breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, dinner? Dinners are so early here, though! I hate it! Here = 5:30 ish, Home = 7:40 ish. Spain (next year home, hopefully) = 9:00 !!
I also need to get more sleep. D:You're coming to Spain? Well, people have dinner from 7pm to 11pm. Most usually around 8pm. Regarding the thread, you have to find the weight you're more comfortable. If that weight makes you a twig or a balloon it's up to you. But if you want to lose weight do it the healty way always. But well, i'm not a friend to diets. I don't like diets, they have the word "die" in there razz
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Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:58 am
I hope I'm going to Spain--Andalucía ish, I think. I've applied and I think I'll find out in a week or two if I made the first cut and get an interview.
Pues, ¿puedes decirme qué opinan los españoles de los gordos? Me preocupo mucho porque, cuando fui a Alemania y a Francia, no había muchos gordos y conozco el estereotipo de los americanos gordos y estúpidos... No quiero que me vean así.
And Starlurk and I are not dieting. We're just trying to have healthier behaviors, like eating better and being more active. It's for our health and not at all about our weight. My weight isn't affecting my health, but my eating habits and my inactivity are. I don't even have a scale, so I have no idea what my weight even is.
Yesterday, I walked to the Farmer's Market in town, then had dinner at a Thai restaurant where I had salad rolls--so lots of veggies there and lots of walking! And this morning I had a pb&j because I was out of poptarts, but it's definitely more filling and maybe more nutritional?
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Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:23 pm
This too is sacred PB&J is way better than poptarts. wink And I like the walking and eating of veggies thing; sounds lovely. Remember, HAES means determining what 'health' means for you. I support both of your efforts to become healthier individuals; good luck.
Incidentally, the LD forum is where you can keep track of stuff like that, what your goals are, keep each other motivated, etc. You can have a thread here if you want instead. love as thou wilt
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Posted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 11:23 pm
Eep! The LD is a little too public for me, and I'm not sure if all the visitors would be as understanding as our guild members are.
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Posted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:55 pm
Not sure if we're doing the buddy system in this thread or another, to-be-made thread, but I figure it's safe to post stuff here.
I had a really bad day today. My mom and her best friend (who is having a very, very, very bad month) are visiting me this weekend. We have spent the whole day shopping pretty much, and it has definitely lost its fun. This summer it was tons of fun looking for skirts and dresses because then I don't have to worry about my huge a**, but today I was trying to find some more jeans because I hate the way the ones I have fit me.
At first we were just in town looking at the boutiques. Which of course means really expensive stuff. It also means really small stuff, too, apparently. The one store I was looking forward to had ONE SHIRT in L. Everything else was in M, S, or XS. There were some tees laid out on a table with "one size fits all most" with the "most" in fancy cursive; it almost felt like it was saying, "we fit all your classmates, but we won't fit you, fatty!" Which is ridiculous, of course. Also ridiculous that it'd say most since the "most" fo the country is size 14+.
We found the brand of jeans that I can wear (that's right, I can only fit into one single brand of jeans), but they had the wrong style. It was way too tapered for my body.
We went to the beach, to the outlet malls. I tried on pants at the gap. Those were awful, and I almost started crying again, just like the old days. I was frustrated out of my mind. The size 16 fits perfectly in the thighs and the bum, but I had so much extra room in the crotch, the waist, and especially the back. There was five inches of back gap! Otherwise, they would have been so nice... They were the right style, the right wash. They were great. Other than the whole not-fitting thing.
So I tried out the shop across the walkway, where I had gotten great fancy pants for teaching for just $8. They had the perfect jeans once again. There was only 2 inches of back gap instead of 5. The style was great. But the wash was disgusting. It was bleached through the thigh with bleachy lines like lightning on the hips--don't designers know that draws attention to those areas? Don't they know we DON'T WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION TO OUR WIDEST AREAS? I just want a nice, dark-wash, wide-leg/relaxed-knee&flare-leg, mid-low rise jean! One that will fit a size 16 in the hips/thighs/bum, but a size 12 in the waist! Is that so hard?
Of course, my mom saw my frustration (really bad at hiding it) and decided she needed to comment. It wasn't anything that bad, but it wasn't anything I needed to hear. It was just about how I carry all my weight in my legs and hips (I knooowwwww!) and I'm not healthy and she doesn't know "what you want to do about that." I want your help, not your pity, mom.
At least she got me some neat tights so I can wear my skirts and dresses into the cold of winter... Let's just hope those tights fit over my big, huge bum.
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Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 12:58 pm
Omg! I know what you mean!
I've never known how to dress my body until about 3 years ago, I finally learned. Then I gained a ton of weight and now I don't know anymore. gonk
I went to Seattle 2 weeks ago and wanted to dress nice (I've been wearing baggy, unflattering pants, and my boyfriend's ugly t-shirts.)
I searched this town for 3 days! There was only one store that had any flare legged jeans that fit me (the only kind of jeans that look moderately okay on me) and it was Maurices (the last place I'd expect). So they were expensive and only two pairs fit me and they weren't in that great of a color but hey, jeans at least right?
It was so emotionally draining. I know I'm supposed to blame the clothes, not my body, if they don't fit me right but after awhile it becomes so hard not to blame yourself, you know?
It was also hard finding shirts because I have always hated sleeves, even when I was skinny my arms have always been a lil fatter than the average person's I guess. But now I have stretch marks on my arms and I'm not really all that ready to reveal them to the world so finding long sleeve shirts that didn't feel awkward + a shirt that'll cover my new belly moderately well = nonexistent.
Seriously, I want to learn about fashion better but it's hard when you have so little options available.
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