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 Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:18 am
Ok, so I'm pretty angry right now, which I why I titled this thread the way I have. But, please know that I am not trying to bad mouth my boyfriend here. He is wonderful in many other ways and makes me very happy. He is just being an idiot right now, as people tend to do (people get into fights, blah.)
The main problem with him that is bothering me is that he is too possessive of me. He claims I have the freedom to do what I want, but then threatens to retaliate by doing something I oppose him to do that is much more extreme. Alot of the stuff I don;t mind usually. He likes me to wear clothing that doesn't show off the way I look. That is fine with me because I'm sick of guys hitting on me and I don't really trust myself not to flirt back after a point (I'm sure many people will disagree with me and feel it is all innocent, but I don't think it is right to flirt with other people while I'm in a relationship.) So, aside from now and then wanting to go out in public with him and actually look nice, I'm fine with that one. If you guys have read my other posts, you know he won't agree that I can tell Mr. sad face or other trusted internet friends my real name (at least he is tryign to protect me, even if it is illogical.) He doesn't want me to share my singing voice with anyone but him. This bothers me, but I also have stage fright preventing me so that one has been put on the back burner. Although, the other day this guy wanted to hear my voice because he is recording a new cd and was possibly interested in me joining him (he may not have been serious, possibly just wanted to get me interested in him. But the point is that I would have let him listen to some recordings of my voice I have on my phone if it wasn;t for my boyfriend. If there was even a chance I could have been on a cd and blew it, then that is messed up.)
Ok, so the main thing that got me pissed enough to write this, I am sure all of this has been building up to it though, is that my boyfriend is against the idea of me driving. He won't even give em a chance to prove myself. He said I'm a dimwit, that I get distracted too easily and that I can't be trusted on the road. Mr. Sad face said if I learned t drive it would help my confidence and that made me eager to finally do it (aside for the practical reasons.) So now my boyfriend is saying if I drive he is going to go sky diving to make it even. That is so ridiculous. He is also threatening to rejoin the fire department. He has asthma, he belongs nowhere near a burning building.
to be continued/edited, I have to go.
EDIT: Alright so lets switch to me for a little while. I do my best not to be a hypocrite. I am somewhat. I never try to control him except when it comes to keeping him safe. For example, I don;t want him in a dangerous line of work (no police work, army, fire department, etc.) Is that wrong of me? Possibly, yes. I am selfish that I want him to stay alive and be there for me and our future family one day. I don't want him doing drugs, smoking, or drinking alcohol (not even a sip.) Because of the asthma I don't have to worry about the first too. He used to drink a lot and I am scared of him getting the taste for it again which is why I asked him not to drink at all. One more thing, that most of you will probably think I am crazy for asking of him, but I don't want him to fly on airplanes. I know statistically they are fairly safe. I almost died on one as a child and it scares me a lot to think of him on a plane. I can't live with the fear and I don't think it limits him really since he can always take a boat, etc. to travel. Aside from keeping him safe I don't control him at all. He knows he could cheat on me and I'd forgive him..he could murder and I'd believe he had a good reason without talking to him..I trust and love him so much. I'm sure that sounds a bit extreme, but I know him really well. Anyhow, now he is saying the day I go for my road test he is gonna skydive...blah!!!!!!!!
I think a lot of his control issues have to do with caring about my safety as well (even if some of it is deluded) and also insecurities on his part. I have my insecurities too (when your treated like less then dirt your whole life, it's hard not to be.) which is why we both agreed not to go looking for porn or anything like that. If we happen to see someone very attractive, so be it, can't be helped. I've asked him several times to go to a shrink with me and he is a million times against it.
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:25 pm
I cant wait to read the rest. Im sorry but he makes me laugh.
Ok, lil history on how a guy should be.
I believe Im dating the most perfect girl ever. We understand that, yes? Ok, she does something and has before of things I do not agree with. But I am not her master. I am not her owner. I am not her control. I am not her puppeteer. I am her boyfriend. My job is to encourage her to do the right things and to be confident in what she does. It is her life, not mine.
He wont let you dress to show off your body? I like when my girl shows off my body. One, for my own personal accord. Two, to show her off. Honestly? "Yea thats right, Im with this bangin a** beauty and your not!" He shouldnt be afraid to show you off, but encouraged to do it and gloat at what he has and they dont.
Now for you boy. What a ******** moron. No offence, but seriously? No, no, no, Seriously!? He as asthma, so do I. I had to be rushed home to get my medicine before. What if he has an attack and its only you two? You dotn know how to drive and your how old?
Two, he said if you drive he's goin' to sky dive? Give him the parashoot. Fire department? Jobs are rought right now, even for jobs as such. He's ability to be able to work again at one is 1 to 9. Hes threatening to do things that may afend or scare you? What kinda boyfriend does that? You're trying to improve and better yourself. He should encourage it and help you get better so your have a higher stamina in life.
Also, singing is one art that is not retained by one, but shared by many. If you sing so good he must hoard it for himself, then that is a beauty that must be shared with the world.
I said my peace and I cant wait for the rest ^_^
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santinodemarco1 Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:13 pm
You're boyfriend is being a douche.
I would never, ever let someone control me like that. This is not the 1930s. We're well past the passing of the 13th Amendment...so just do what you want. If he doesn't support you then how are you able to support him? I don't get it. Where's the trust? Trust, loyalty, honestly, and communication are the four most important things in a relationship.
And I agree with exile. Having a beautiful voice is not something that should be reprimanded. I have friends who sign awfully, but that doesn't stop them. And the recordings were on the phone for gods sake.
R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S!
I'm younger than you and already have my license. There should be nothing stopping you from driving other than the economy and fear. And not fear from someone, but like the car exploding maybe. Idk, another friend has that fear...
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:24 pm
ExileDeath He wont let you dress to show off your body? I like when my girl shows off my body. One, for my own personal accord. Two, to show her off. Honestly? "Yea thats right, Im with this bangin a** beauty and your not!" He shouldnt be afraid to show you off, but encouraged to do it and gloat at what he has and they dont. Well it's not that he doesn't "let me," it's that he will either retaliate with something much more sever as vengeance or he will make me feel terribly guilty about it. But he doesn't actually prevent me from doing things. He forces me to choose to stop myself. It doesn't matter a much because I don't normally want to show off, it's more the principal of the matter. One time I surprised him and dressed up really nicely when we were planning on going to our fav restaurant; we ended up eating inside instead because he didn't want people looking at me like that. The skirt was only a little above my knee. I looked really good but it wasn't as if it was slutty. I think he is afraid I will leave him if I get other guys interested. Which is really silly even though he is entitled to fear what he fears. Although, I can't fault him for not wanting to show me off the way you would with your girlfriend, everyone has a different personality. ExileDeath Now for you boy. What a ******** moron. No offence, but seriously? No, no, no, Seriously!? He as asthma, so do I. I had to be rushed home to get my medicine before. What if he has an attack and its only you two? You dotn know how to drive and your how old? I completely agree except I hate hearign him being called a moron by someone other then me, lol. Unfortunately, he isn't concerned for his safety as much as mine. Somehow he really feels I'll be some sort of terrible unsafe driver. If anything i will be so cautious and slow. I wish he woudl jsut give me a chance to prove I can. I'm 25 and I put it off in the past through self-fear and lack of funds and then.now his beliefs. ExileDeath Two, he said if you drive he's goin' to sky dive? Give him the parashoot. Fire department? Jobs are rought right now, even for jobs as such. He's ability to be able to work again at one is 1 to 9. Hes threatening to do things that may afend or scare you? What kinda boyfriend does that? You're trying to improve and better yourself. He should encourage it and help you get better so your have a higher stamina in life. Give him a parashoot? That is the future father of my child eventually. I can;t stand to think of him doing something like that. It is dumb. I know he is being really horrible but he thinks he is doing it to protect me. I'm just not sure how to get through to him. He says I can't even walk down a street in a straight line. I think he is majorly exaggerating and I'd be putting effort into driving because that is important. ExileDeath Also, singing is one art that is not retained by one, but shared by many. If you sing so good he must hoard it for himself, then that is a beauty that must be shared with the world. Writing and visual art are my main passions. I do enjoy singing a lot, as well as acting. But it's not the most important way I express myself. I can do those and then hide again, so it doesn't bother him. I guess my problem is that I don't want to go through my whole life afraid that he will interfere each time he doesn't want me to do something. I'm hoping for some advice to get him to be more reasonable.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:04 am
santinodemarco1 You're boyfriend is being a douche.
I would never, ever let someone control me like that. This is not the 1930s. We're well past the passing of the 13th Amendment...so just do what you want. If he doesn't support you then how are you able to support him? I don't get it. Where's the trust? Trust, loyalty, honestly, and communication are the four most important things in a relationship. Well I don't think it has to do with genders really. I am very loyal, honest, and trustworthy...unfortunately he has good reason to believe otherwise. When I was 16 I almost cheated on him. It was very foolish of me and ever since then he doesn't fully trust me anymore. I didn't even like the guy and I told him I was in love with my bf and nothing would happen. But back then I thought ti was ok to flirt and it felt so nice that someone was liking me so much. Things just got too carried away because I started doing what I could to get his compliments. That is why I do not flirt even a little anymore. During that time my bf was 4 hours away for two years and barely talking to me. I can't consider him a douche when he thinks he is doing what is best for me and us, just that he is absurd. santinodemarco1 And I agree with exile. Having a beautiful voice is not something that should be reprimanded. I have friends who sign awfully, but that doesn't stop them. And the recordings were on the phone for gods sake. R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S! Well I'm pretty shy with it. I enjoy singing and I think I have talent. Although I could probably use a voice coach or whatever it is called. It takes me about 20 recordings before I get good. I think he really is afraid I'm gonna gain confidence and leave him. As if I am with him because I don't think I can do better because I am so mean to myself all the time. He has confidence problems as well (even though I am not settling in the least, there is nobody in the world as good as him in my opinion. Of course we have some major issues, but if u knew him the way I do then u'd see how amazing he is otherwise.) I don't know how to do what I want without hurting him and I don;t know how to not feel horribly guilty for upsetting him so much, even if it isn't logical for him to be upset. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. santinodemarco1 I'm younger than you and already have my license. There should be nothing stopping you from driving other than the economy and fear. And not fear from someone, but like the car exploding maybe. Idk, another friend has that fear... I think I addressed this with my response to Exile. I know you're right, things just seem so complicated.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:19 am
Im half awake and Ill answer this with my bestestness ok?
You're right.
We are all different.
Its been almost 10 years and he doesnt trust you? Wow, he needs to move on. You made a mistake, we all make mistakes, but it is use who needs to accept this and move on. If he truly loves you as much as you think? Then he should of forgiven you and let you live life.
You will be 30... 40... 50... and what will you have to show for it? You'll have kids and what kinda storys will you tell them of your life? Nothing. You lived sheltered in your own home with the man of your dreams who makes you so happy that you couldnt live it. Wait... Did I say that right? Oh, I guess I did.
Im not trying to be an a**, Im literal and realistic. My fault. Still, if he loves you as much as he says he does, then like anything in life, he must learn to let go and give you your own space to grow.
From all Ive learned from what youve said. He has MAJOR MAJOR trust issues. He needs to grow up.
And so do you. You made a mistake 10 years ago. I see no problem with flirting. I stop though in respects for my gf and as anyone knows, when girls flirt me with, I dont even know it ^_^ My gf and Marco made fun of me for that cause of an inocent at the mall,but still.
Learn to live, learn to breath, learn to love.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:58 am
@ Exile: I love reading your thoughts. They are very intelligent and upfront. I'm not sure what to do though. Nothing I say convinces him to change his mind and I am not willing to risk his safety for my freedom.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:11 am
patience1984 @ Exile: I love reading your thoughts. They are very intelligent and upfront. I'm not sure what to do though. Nothing I say convinces him to change his mind and I am not willing to risk his safety for my freedom.
I believe true love can be pushed to the limits and never break.
You dont want to risk his safety? For your freedom?
If our country lived by that thought, we'd still be under british rule.
Blacks would be enslaved still.
ect ect ect
Im not telling you to leave him.
Im telling you, that if he loves you. He will pull his head out of his a** and see what he has.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:18 am
So I am just supposed to do actions and subdue my guilt and watch him join the fire department and who knows what else that might god forbid kill him? If that happens to him, I'm supposed to be alright for the rest of my life, knowing I didn't stop him?
Edit: If I do stop him in a way I am being controlling as well. Even though I am being controlling in a way to truly protect him. I guess so far I've known he was controlling but I felt like it wasn't about important things so it was alright. It is just recently it has seemed to be a bigger deal then I realized.
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:26 am
patience1984 So I am just supposed to do actions and subdue my guilt and watch him join the fire department and who knows what else that might god forbid kill him? If that happens to him, I'm supposed to be alright for the rest of my life, knowing I didn't stop him?
We arent promised tomorrow.
To live, is to do what we love.
You say you know you could of stopped him? Why? Because its dangerous? So he's allowed to live life but you arent?
He's acting like a child. How is what you want a guilt? I didnt say go ******** people, I said to do what you dreamed of. Driving or whatever else makes you happy.
To love someone is to support them in their dicissions and help them in what ever they decide. Ok, its ok to direct them from teh wrong. Like if they want to do drugs or kill someone.
Still, what do you got to safe for your life? What will you have to say about it?
Then he comes in and keeps you on a leash. Are you any better then a pet? You are told to sit you sit. Stay home you stay home. He grooms you to his spects and only shows you off if its to his standards?
Sorry if I seem harsh, Im a lil bit more serious when IM tired lmao
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Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:58 am
ExileDeath patience1984 So I am just supposed to do actions and subdue my guilt and watch him join the fire department and who knows what else that might god forbid kill him? If that happens to him, I'm supposed to be alright for the rest of my life, knowing I didn't stop him?
We arent promised tomorrow.
To live, is to do what we love.
You say you know you could of stopped him? Why? Because its dangerous? So he's allowed to live life but you arent?
He's acting like a child. How is what you want a guilt? I didnt say go ******** people, I said to do what you dreamed of. Driving or whatever else makes you happy.
To love someone is to support them in their dicissions and help them in what ever they decide. Ok, its ok to direct them from teh wrong. Like if they want to do drugs or kill someone.
Still, what do you got to safe for your life? What will you have to say about it?
Then he comes in and keeps you on a leash. Are you any better then a pet? You are told to sit you sit. Stay home you stay home. He grooms you to his spects and only shows you off if its to his standards?
Sorry if I seem harsh, Im a lil bit more serious when IM tired lmaoYou don't seem harsh. Your perfect the way you are posting, although I am getting a little confused because I am so sleepy. The guilt comes from seeing him so hurt and knowing it is because in his twisted head he thinks I am being unsafe. He was int he fire department when he was away in college for 2 years and every night was a nightmare worrying about him. I can't take the rest of my life with that much fear for his safety. I'm already gonna end up dying young from stress probably.
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:58 pm
Your boyfriend is not doing this stuff to protect you he is doing it to CONTROL you. Not that it will matter that anyone tells you this because you will never see it that way. You will always feel that he does the things he does to protect you. If you went back and read the things you wrote about what he does to get you to do what he wants, and you really think about it, you might just realize how ******** up it truely sounds and is.
The guy I am with wants me to be independent of him to follow my dreams and trusts me to do the best at everything I try and is very suportive call me crazy but that how it's suppose to be isn't it.
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:30 pm
Fathom Me Your boyfriend is not doing this stuff to protect you he is doing it to CONTROL you. Not that it will matter that anyone tells you this because you will never see it that way. You will always feel that he does the things he does to protect you. If you went back and read the things you wrote about what he does to get you to do what he wants, and you really think about it, you might just realize how ******** up it truely sounds and is.
The guy I am with wants me to be independent of him to follow my dreams and trusts me to do the best at everything I try and is very suportive call me crazy but that how it's suppose to be isn't it. Yes it is how it is upposed to be. I am upset about my situation, which is why I am writing about it and hoping for a solution to come up. If you are right about him not wanting to keep me safe, what other reason would there be for trying to control me other then wanting to protecting me? He is being controlling, but in his head it is justified, I think. I'm happy you do not have the same problem with your boyfriend. Also, in a way I really am being a hypocrite by not wanting him to do unsafe things, no? We are either both right or both wrong, even if he is being more extreme with the control. I don't think I could handle a lifetime of worrying about him in a dangerous job like that. I need him to be safe and so I can emphasize with him wanting me to be, even if his fears are unreasonable.
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Posted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:11 pm
Imma intervene for Fathom, hopfully she wont be pissed.
There are other reasons for someone to be controlling and it wont involve protections. Its just control.
Simple as that, nothing more, just control.
Like an animal.
Sit, stand, paw, dont go outside the fence, no barking.
Its a way of control with it seeming kind and protective.
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