Hellsing Farce: a mock roleplay

[Wyvern683]

This one has no rules, no logic, no sanity. This is an idea of Kimmichi's. She thought the roleplay was too serious, so I made a second one to take a break from the dark awesomeness.(if we weren't already silly enough)No rules to character picking: it's every man for himself! twisted And I am the Major in this one, and I already know Kimmichi is Pip. Kimmichi shall explain the rest of this lunacy.

 

[Kimmichi]

OMGZ! YES! *ahem*

Welcome welcome one and all to the Hellsing comedy roleplay!!! :3 This roleplay has NO RULES! (Except to be kind and respective towards others.) The setting is a fictitious bar in the middle of nowhere. Anyone can walk right into the bar, vampires and Nazi zombies alike! Please remember to keep seriousness to a bare minimum. Also! If you're really feeling lazy, text lingo is alright (not preferred, but I won't be picky). And unless both parties agree, you may not kill another roleplayer's character. This is all for the funnies! And if you can, please uncheck the "attach signature" button when posting to make it easier for others to get right to viewing the madness we will create! So welcome again to...

Pip's Comedy Bar!

With your host... Pip! (That's a-me!)  

[Kimmichi]

One fine day in the middle of nowhere in particular, a small bar reminiscent of "The Leaky Cauldron" where the smell of liquor and onion rings filled the air became home to a small group of misfits all trying to get away from they're daily routines of hunting and killing. On a rickety old stage stood a very clumsy-looking Pip fiddling with a dusty microphone.
"Hello, all my freaky darlings! Is everyone havin' a good time out zere?" He coughed nervously as no one responded.
"Y... yeah! Hey! Umm... Herez one ya might not have heard of! What do ya get when ya cross a snowman with Alucard?" There was a long pause. "Frostbite! Get it?! Ahahahaha!!" He slapped his knee in his delight.  

[Wyvern683]

Major: "Vhere is the comedy in ZAT?!"
*Snaps his fingers*
Major: "Varrant officer Schrodinger, play jump-rope vith his hair, as punishment for his horrible joke!"  

[Kimmichi]

Schrodinger leaps on stage and proceeds to carry out his commands.
"Ow! Ouch! What in ze..." His ponytail had become a plaything to the carefree kitty.
"OK OK!! Then have ya hear ze one about..." But he was cut off short, as the skip-happy Schrodinger pulled his pigtail just a bit too hard and both toppled off stage in a crazy heap and a puff of dust.
"Why I outta skin ya alive, ya son of a hairless guinea pig!!! Someone bring me my shot!" He outstretched his hand to receive a pistol, but instead was handed a cold one on the rocks.
"Meh... zis'll do." He slumped into a wooden chair, pulled his hat over his eyes, and waved a hand in the air. "Anyone ELSE care to take a spin at this thing? Everyone a critic..."  

[Le Secretaire Comtesse]

A mysterious figure sat silenty in a dark corner of the bar sipping a bloody mary. His blue eyes watched the idiocy in front of him with much indifference. As long as he remained in his corner, the longer he could keep his identity--therefore protect his reputation with the other bishops in the Vatican.

"Morons..." he mumbled drinking from his glass.  

[Kimmichi]

WHEN SUDDENLY! A lamp above the unsuspecting Maxwell spontaneously combusts! Sparkles fly as the crowd of shocked patrons turn their attention toward the blank-expressioned bishop with a now electrified bloody mary. The whole bar is silent as they await his response to the mind-boggling event.  

[Le Secretaire Comtesse]

Maxwell's eyes shot open as he fell across the table. A symphony of crashes and shattering glass followed the poor bishop as the table spilt in two. Still recovering from shock, Maxwell stood up, one of his eyes twitching rapidly.

He glared at the Major and Pip with embers smouldering in his eyes as he slowly came back to reality. "You heretics, have defiled this place!" he shouted pointing an accusing finger at the two. "Not to mention...you freaks of nature ruined my cover. His Holiness is going to have a baby over this!" he snapped waving his cross necklace in Pip's face.

Maxwell pulled back swiftly and waddled back to his chair, mumbling to himself quietly. "God shall punish you heathens for this..."  

[Kimmichi]

Pip jumped over to where Maxwell had so angrily seated himself and cupped his hands next to his face.
"A baby?! Well, I do declare! I suppose ZAT explains ze fat ankles! And here I was zinking it was just BigMacs! So, when's the shower? I'll send him somezing nice." He batted his eyelashes mockingly as Schrodinger skipped around behind him chanting "a baby! a baby!".



(BTW, I truly apologize to the Pope for that one. It was all Pip, I swear! sweatdrop )  

[Bishop Enrico Maxwell]

OOC: I'm going to start posting in this account. xD I figured that would be better since I'm roleplaying Maxwell. c:

BIC: Maxwell smirked at Pip. "True as that may be--" he stopped in the middle of his sentence watching the Captain appear from nowhere. "Do the basic laws of reality not exist here?!" he shouted...twitching. "That's it...WAITER, GET ME ANOTHER BLOODY MARY!"  

[Kimmichi]

OOC: I have a little announcement for everyone! Since this is going quite well so far, I'm going to try to take all of this after a while and make it into a comic! Of course that won't be for a little while, though. And until somebody claims the role of Schrodinger, I will be doing his parts for a while. :3



BIC:

Pip clapped his hands loudly. "AND ANOTHER SHOT OV'R HERE!!!" The waiter scuttled over and promptly handed them their drink. Pip sat his drink down on the table and proceeded to congregate with Maxwell, when behind him was a curious Schrodinger eyeballing the glass of bourbon. He watched with all his kitty might as he followed a bead of condensation trickle down the side. He tried to restrain himself, but could take it no longer! He slowly inched toward the glass and reached his tongue toward the strange liquid. His eyes shone as he was just about to taste it, when suddenly he was swatted with a huge Sunday newspaper!!!
"And just what do you think YOU'RE doing, pussycat?" Pip plucked the glass off the table and downed the shot. "You're just a child! Mon Dieu! If I let you do ZAT I'd never be able to work in this town again! Nope, you just run along and get some milk, kitty."
Schrodinger twitched as fiercely as the disgruntled bishop. "VAT?! MILK?!?! ZIS IS UN OUTRAGE!!!!! I'll have YOU know zat I am EVERYVHERE und NOVHERE at zee SAME TIME und I can have a drink VHENEVER I WANT TO!!!!!!!!" He fumed and raged just waiting for Pip to dare utter a reply when the waiter slid a saucer of fresh milk down the bar table. Schrodinger's ear perked. "MEOOOOW!!" He pounced on the bar stool and happily lapped his drink as if the whole argument never took place.
"Strange kid..." Pip scratched his head. "Does ZAT answer your question about physics, Max?"  

[Bishop Enrico Maxwell]

Taking a sip of his bloody mary, Maxwell grunted at Pip. "Shut your mouth, you sinner. My name is not Max...it's Bishop Maxwell. You call me that abomination again, and I'll have Anderson cut out your tongue."

OOC: xD Maxwell's not very nice. Is it alright if I take over Integra? If so, I'd like you all to meet Integra Hellsing...when she drunk. x3  

[Kimmichi]

OOC: Yush, of course you can be Integra! It's every man for himself here! Grab her and go with it! (No innuendo intended. XP)


BIC:

Pip grinned like cat. He leaned in slowly towards Maxwell. "Y... you better not do what I think your about to do!" But it was too late. The entire bar had scooted closer and closer until......

"MAXXIE!!!!!!!!"

He slammed his hands on the table. "THAT IS IT HERETIC!!" and he begane to throw various items at the crowd, inevitably censoring his foul language. Pip backed away cautiously.
"Oh look who just walked through the door! Waiter, a drink for Madam Integra on the house!"
The waiter sighed under his breath. "They're ALL on the house, sir."  

[Le Secretaire Comtesse]

OOC: I’m confused. O.o Did you just post as Maxwell? D: Anyways…Integra time. >w<

BIC: Integra staggered in the bar and began to waddle over towards Pip and Maxwell in a zigzagged line. “Hic! ‘Ello, blokes…Walter and I—hic—just came over from the bar down…um…the street a little ways. Hic, that was some good beer down there, hic! I was wonder-r-r—oh. No! What the ‘ell are you doing here, Enrico Maxwell? Hic, why aren’t you with those idiot priests in Rome?! Hic! This isn’t—hic—Rome, you dweeb!”

She clumsily sat down at Pip’s table, twiddling her thumbs. “’Ey…get me another—hic—beer, would’ya, Pipsy dear?” she hiccupped smiling stupidly at the Frenchman.