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Tears of an Angel

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Wolfen Princess

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:33 pm


Tears of an Angel



She was angel, a pure being created by God to cleanse the Earth of human sin. He was a demon, a creature designed to negate the work of angels. By their very nature they were never meant to be together.

But she, like many of her kind, was a slave to her heart and fell in love with him despite their duties. She forced his heart to accept her and even love her, and he in turn, gave in to the emotions she put on him. It would only be a matter of time until one of them came to their senses.

Come back. Don’t leave.

The words were on her lips, she only needed to say them.

David!

She wanted to scream his name. Hell in her mind she was screaming his name. But he needed to hear it, he needed to hear it and stop. But she couldn’t speak.

Don’t do this.

Did she just whisper that? He stopped but didn’t turn toward her. She was his angel, yet he wouldn’t even look at her. She would have been hurt had she not been trying to force more words through her frozen lips.

“Please Dav—” She choked as his magic easily stopped the words in her throat. His magic and her own. But that couldn’t stop her, because she had to stop him. And her time was running out. Any second he could take that last step and leave her forever.

She struggled against the magic, trying to stand and force him to stay. She would bodily drag him back into the house they’d made their home, if that would only make him stay. But she couldn’t move, her body ignoring the commands of the mind and keeping itself from the danger only a few feet away.

He moved as she fought herself. Not a full step, just a twitch, but it was away from her. She felt the full strength of her fear and complete desperation as one last try lifted her off of the curb she’d been sitting.

As soon as she was upright, she ran full speed towards him despite the short distance, and burrowed her face in his leather jacket as her hands wrapped around his bare chest. She forced herself not to wince when their skin touched. She could handle this pain.

She couldn’t, however, stop the acid burns that melted her skin like hot metal with the contact. Nor could she hide these burns from his eyes. His muscles tensed under her hands as he felt unwanted pleasure from her pain.

This was the reason he was leaving?

“No.” His voice was rough, trying to hide emotions demons shouldn’t even posses. He tried to pull her off of him as she hugged him tighter.

He succeeded eventually, he was so much stronger than her, and held her hands in his, beautiful eyes staring into frightened, wild blue. “Stay here, Azula.”

It was his eyes she couldn’t resist, a beautiful, bright emerald that shifted into a priceless gold. Cold, warm, hard, soft, she was the prey before the cobra when she saw those eyes. Now they held the same hopelessness that was there when she first saw him.

He kneeled with her as her knees finally gave out, setting her on the ground with surprising gentleness, before standing again.

After his touch faded away, the magic that had held her body still was back, stronger than before. She would not be able break it, not while he was here. Her time was up.

She tried again though, to speak. It was pointless, the battle was lost, but still she tried. He stopped her though, not with magic, but with the small shake of his head.

Don’t say it Azula.

And then he was gone, disappeared into thin air, like the demon he was and promising only one thing. That she would never see him again.

Azula felt the magic as it left and the purity his presence had forced away began to return. But something else came with it. A sadness that filled every part of her soul. A sadness that replaced every thought in her mind.

Her head fell, with it tears she hadn’t known she had. And before God and His people, she cried the pure, lost the tears of an Angel.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:36 pm


Giving everyone a heads up. As you probably can tell, I've changed my user name from PurWhite to Wolfen Princess. This is the name I use in most of my stories and the one I feel most comfy with.

Please let me know what you all think of Tears. Any comments will be much appreciated.

Wolfen Princess


ProfessorKC

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:56 am


a bit cliché, but ...

I don't mean to appear rude, but there are a gazillion stories all over the forums just like this one. Angel/devil, vampire/human, hero/anti-hero, and all other dark lover or "demon lover" stories. It's gotten to the point that I can't get interested in them which is no fault of yours. I'll give it a better read latter, but I just didn't find it all that interesting and I'm hoping it is because it has been SOOOO overdone lately.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 12:49 pm


I actually have a story like this - but mine is more epic battle between good and evil vs. how do you really define good and evil (with the angel demon romance right in the middle of it).
Very sad, tear. crying
I think the idea that his touch physically harms her is interesting, something I never considered before - but it makes sense given their allignment. I like that.
A question: their thoughts. Did you format them like that on purpose? Because generally thoughts follow the same rules as dialogue. I was just wondering. If it wasn't purposefull, it would be the only thing I can see that could be improved upon.
You could also lengthen it - how did they meet, how long have they spent together (it seems to be a while), how do they live with one another since he hurts her, and what was the incident that finally convinced him to leave?

fallenangel_Asha


Wolfen Princess

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 2:00 pm


ProfessorKC
a bit cliché, but ...

I don't mean to appear rude, but there are a gazillion stories all over the forums just like this one. Angel/devil, vampire/human, hero/anti-hero, and all other dark lover or "demon lover" stories. It's gotten to the point that I can't get interested in them which is no fault of yours. I'll give it a better read latter, but I just didn't find it all that interesting and I'm hoping it is because it has been SOOOO overdone lately.


I know there are a lot of demon/angel stories out there but the ones I read are the two falling in love and somehow living happily ever after. I wanted to take that cliche and show that sometimes love can't conquer all. That it can't really overcome what isn't meant to be.

Sorry if you still find it cliche though.
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 2:22 pm


And Asha, in the original version the thoughts were italicized. I thought it had carried over to the post but I guess not. I fixed it know so let me know what you think.

As for your other questions, I am seriously torn between keeping this a one shot and continue it as a short multi-chapter story. The only thing that stops my is that I might lose the emotion that is in this scene.

I am happy that it made you sad. My first version of the story was kind of cold and it was harder to relate to the character. Thanks a lot for your comments!

Wolfen Princess


fallenangel_Asha

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 4:11 pm


Wolfen Princess
And Asha, in the original version the thoughts were italicized. I thought it had carried over to the post but I guess not. I fixed it know so let me know what you think.

As for your other questions, I am seriously torn between keeping this a one shot and continue it as a short multi-chapter story. The only thing that stops my is that I might lose the emotion that is in this scene.

I am happy that it made you sad. My first version of the story was kind of cold and it was harder to relate to the character. Thanks a lot for your comments!

Oh yes, much better. Now I'm glad I pointed it out! biggrin
It's up to you, but I don't think continuing it would do anything to cripple the emotion in this passage. In fact, if you were to show how they met, how they fell in love, how they spent the previous months/years/however long it has been I think it would only serve to make this passage all the MORE moving - because the reader actually knows how much they care, and the reader is hurting right along with them.
This passage is moving, but we're very detached because we don't know anything. Expanding it would involve the reader more, both in the romance, and later in the heartache and the leaving.
But it's your masterpiece, so your decision...I can only give advice and speculate! xd
PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 8:19 pm


No offense meant earlier btw. It's just the total amount of useless lovesick puppy drivel on the arneas. I was hoping for more cereativity and less ... well, you've read them as well so no need to pursue that thought. With such creativity involved in manga and anime, you'd think that the people who enjoy it would have a bit of that themselves

Anywho ...

I took a little longer look at the piece and mechanics aside, it moves a bit fast. There are some great opportunities in there if you'd just expand upon it a bit. I take it this is for something with a limited word count? It stands well enough on its own I geuss, but there is something to telling a story that seems to be missing. The premise is sound. The love does not conquer all theme serves its purpose, but I'd like to get more. One more read on a fresh mind (been grading papers all night ) and I'll get a better idea of what it is I'm thinking of ...

I personally would like a little more mystery about the nature of the two characters. Knowing that they are an angel and devil right off the bat, well, it would be more satisfying to me to let the audience "discover" what their true natures are. Subtle hints right till the end ... a feather or two on the floor, the smell of sulphur ... some standard and non-standard images of heaven and hell and their denizins wouldn't hurt. Just a thought. 4laugh

;P

ProfessorKC

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