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 Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:01 am
My daughter Sarah started her first day at school a week ago today. To prepare for all of the stuff that was going on, I put in place a few "systems" and organized a million piles of toys/clothes so that I could show her how to be more responsible about organization, which for me was key in school.
Everyday for the past week, my boyfriend and I have been taking turns getting up at 7am to get her ready and out the door. I started on Monday, him on Tuesday, so on and so forth. It's one of our "systems" along with a food schedule that's been put up on the fridge so that my daughter isn't pestering me constantly about eating. The parent who takes the Sarah to school this morning goes to pick her up from school the next day. Today Ken took Sarah to school, so it's my job to go pick her up. It's really quite simple.
But of course nothing can be agreed upon in this house stressed so naturally Ken started a fight this morning. I went outside for a moment, and before I left, I told him Sarah was to leave in 5 mins. flat, and no less. Another part of this "system" is that there is always 20 minutes between everything so that no one will ever be late or have to rush. Well, when I came back into the house, I noticed Ken was snoozing, or in his opinion "resting" not that a grown man ever needs to rest bright and early in the morning. rolleyes
I wasn't angry, I simply stated that Sarah should have left a couple minutes beforehand, and he flew off the handle! surprised He then proceeded to start yelling at me about how it should be my responsibility to take Sarah to school in the morning.
Whoa, back up, WHAT? Says who, I asked. Afterall, I've been the one waking up with her every morning since she was born... stare
Yes, this pompous p***k of a dad actually believes that it's my "job" to do "these things". I don't know what to do. I'm thinking it might be for the best, but then again, I kinda like to sleep in the morning too, and I appreciate the system I put in effect, it makes life easier on all of us! I just couldn't believe that he would fail me so entirely, as if he already doesn't slack off enough, I just feel very used today. confused
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Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:15 am
My daughter's not even old enough to go to school yet, but I already know where you are coming from. My husband has always been a lazy jerk in the morning, he simply takes his sweet time about rolling out of bed. I've been getting up with our girl since she was born and I really resent it. I have another on the way, but nothing I say gets through my husband's thick skull. I've just started thinking that some men in general are lazy fathers. But kudos to you! Being a mom is the hardest job out there, don't let anyone tell you different. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:13 am
II Marie Antoinette II My daughter's not even old enough to go to school yet, but I already know where you are coming from. My husband has always been a lazy jerk in the morning, he simply takes his sweet time about rolling out of bed. I've been getting up with our girl since she was born and I really resent it. I have another on the way, but nothing I say gets through my husband's thick skull. I've just started thinking that some men in general are lazy fathers. But kudos to you! Being a mom is the hardest job out there, don't let anyone tell you different. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 12:42 pm
The misandry in this thread makes me sad and a bit sickened. I am often shocked how easily misandric statements roll off the tongue and from the fingers while typing something up. I originally had a question that you answered yourself at the end of your post. I wanted to know if this system was a mutually thought out and agreed upon one, but it would seem that it is not. Erotica-x ...and I appreciate the system I put in effect, it makes life easier on all of us! Obviously, the emphasis is mine. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around how you expect someone else to contribute equally while you belittle him and do not give him input into how things should be run. From your post, it's clear that you have appointed yourself as being the sole one in charge and expect him to do everything you say while he's being micro-managed and criticized. As a fellow "lazy" person, I'm going to let you in on something others--in this case, those that need to control and have things done their way and only their way--often do not realize: when constantly criticized and belittled, many will shut down rather then try to meet what they feel is an impossible expectation of them. Why bother if nothing will ever be good enough or right? You seem to need order and micro management to feel at peace and it makes your life easier. However, I'm not so sure you're making his life easier or more enjoyable, though you seem to feel that you are. From what I can see in this post and the information I have from it, you seem to have an issue empathizing and putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Or understanding that different people have different needs. Different things make us tick. Anywho, this all stemmed from the system that you admit that you made up and imposed. While I can understand the appeal of trying to make an exactly identical work load for both of you, maybe you can make some compromises so that you will get more help? What is important to him? How does he like to do things? Are there other aspects of childcare that you find less enjoyable that he could take over and maybe you could do the morning routine? Or maybe, can you learn to accept that even if it's not done your way, as long as the objective is met, it's OK? Can you learn to not criticize or take an inventory of what you see as faults? I already know that this post is reading as critical. However, I, at times, have this issue myself. There are some things I want done my way because I believe it is best and man, why doesn't everyone else get it and just help me out? It looks narcistic when typed out and examined, doesn't it? I have had to learn to accept that if I want help, I have to be willing to have it done a way other then mine. For the few things I can not abide that for, I do them myself and I let the rest go. It helps to remind myself that I do not want a dictator for a spouse/partner, so I shouldn't act like one either. I become very hostile when I feel that I'm being criticized and told I'm not good enough. I wonder if you can remove yourself far enough from your own situation to objectly read what you wrote? To pretend someone else wrote it and see how it makes you feel upon reading? While it may not seem like it, I do sympathize though I'm not doling out Atta-girls and telling you you're right. I would imagine you're quite frustrated and angry. I hope you two can come to a solution that works for both of you.
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:40 am
While I can sympathize with your situation, I do agree with Dirge. But this was actually the part that stuck out to me. Quote: But of course nothing can be agreed upon in this house It sounds like you implemented the system and just expected him to fall into line without consulting him or making sure he agreed and thought that was the best way to handle things. I know when I have someone "implement" and idea and just expect me to fall into step, it really makes me mad. Sometimes to the point of I won't do it just to spite the other person. It takes two people to make a problem. To fight. To argue. Its not all one person's fault. In fact most of the time it isn't even a "majority" of a person's fault. Usually the blame can be equally laid of both people's feet. Obviously not keeping up with getting your daughter to school that morning was a huge issue, as it backlashed on her rather then the two of you. But I can imagine from his side of things what he saw was you guys fighting, both of you getting angry, and YOU walked out AND laid all the responsiblity of the "system" that morning on his feet. While I don't think he handled it right, I imagine what he did was more reactionary to what you did by just walking out. Quote: Whoa, back up, WHAT? Says who, I asked. Afterall, I've been the one waking up with her every morning since she was born... This will probably sound rather....facetious. But um....welcome to being a parent? Not that he doesn't share any responsibility to being a parent, as I assume that's part of his role in your daugher's life, but whether he is or not, that's your role now. Parent. That's what parents do. They wake up every morning and take care of their kids. Whether it be mom, dad, or both, etc. I hardly think its something to complain about as you made the choice to become a parent. Quote: Everyday for the past week, my boyfriend and I have been taking turns getting up at 7am to get her ready and out the door. I started on Monday, him on Tuesday, so on and so forth. It's one of our "systems" along with a food schedule that's been put up on the fridge so that my daughter isn't pestering me constantly about eating. The parent who takes the Sarah to school this morning goes to pick her up from school the next day. Today Ken took Sarah to school, so it's my job to go pick her up. It's really quite simple. It might be simple to you. But you're not the only one that's part of the equation are you? You have to factor in you, your boyfriend, and your daughter. By the way you vented, ranted, and typed things out. It sounds like you planned and implented your "systems" and just expected everyone else to agree to their genius and just fall into step behind their illustrious leader. Relationships are about give and take; compromise. Working together to balance strengths and weakness. Just by reading what I did that doesn't sound like a lot of that is going on. Maybe he doesn't think your plan is the best for your daughter, or maybe it burdens him in ways he hasn't told you. Or it could be as simple as he doesn't like it. It could be a million different things or a combination of some. But unless you talk things out, not argue or walk out, but talk them out and come to a compromise things are just going to get worse. You guys need to talk things out and make an agreement of how you BOTH think its best to raise ya'll's daughter.
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Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:01 pm
Honestly, I have no idea why you bothered posting, Hikari. You pretty much reiterated what Pirate said...
In any case, here's what I'm picking up on. From what Pirate said, I'm a control-freak, and according to you, Hikari, I'm not taking his side of things into account.
For many years I have tried to give him time and room to maneuver, work things out, and try to find a way to fit this into his life. It's not like I don't give him the opportunity to make decisions. Yes, I created the "systems", but only because he suggested that I do it in the first place. When I was sitting around thinking this up, I asked him to join me, and he was playing Halo for 9 hours, so what am I supposed to do? Therefore the solution is to devise a plan that I, and I alone, should follow? neutral
Yes, I know that I am a parent, in fact I believe I've accepted this fact more than Ken has. It's not the first time he's unexpectedly and unfairly lashed out at me. Because you're right, parents should share responsibilities, but apart from taking her to school 2-3 mornings a week, he doesn't do anything. It's not like I don't ask him to, or remind him of what needs to be done. At times he's pointed out to me that Sarah needs a bath, and that he'll give her one. He doesn't. He tells me that while I'm running to the store to grab milk she needs to eat something. The first thing out of her mouth when I get back is, "mom, I'm hungry." I've been through all degrees of anger, frustration, and depression trying to find ways to even out the work. In the end, I get up, I take her to school, I cook all of her meals, as well as everyone else's. I do all of the laundry, even with a chore list on the fridge. I clean the house, take care of the animals, clean the fish tanks, pay the bills, buy the groceries... the list goes on. No one helps me, this was just one situation where I felt, again, victimized. What can I say, parent or not, it gets tiring to be the maid, the cook, the doctor, the vet, the entertainment, the money, the vending machine, the store, the ATM, and the disciplinary. I just can't do it all by myself which is why I wrote the post in the first place.
I can't deny that I said those things, or that that's how I feel, even now, but I'm not controlling Ken, nor am I forcing him against his will to do anything. If at all, it's me being forced against my will do everything.
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Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:09 am
Erotica-x Honestly, I have no idea why you bothered posting, Hikari. You pretty much reiterated what Pirate said...
In any case, here's what I'm picking up on. From what Pirate said, I'm a control-freak, and according to you, Hikari, I'm not taking his side of things into account.
For many years I have tried to give him time and room to maneuver, work things out, and try to find a way to fit this into his life. It's not like I don't give him the opportunity to make decisions. Yes, I created the "systems", but only because he suggested that I do it in the first place. When I was sitting around thinking this up, I asked him to join me, and he was playing Halo for 9 hours, so what am I supposed to do? Therefore the solution is to devise a plan that I, and I alone, should follow? neutral
Yes, I know that I am a parent, in fact I believe I've accepted this fact more than Ken has. It's not the first time he's unexpectedly and unfairly lashed out at me. Because you're right, parents should share responsibilities, but apart from taking her to school 2-3 mornings a week, he doesn't do anything. It's not like I don't ask him to, or remind him of what needs to be done. At times he's pointed out to me that Sarah needs a bath, and that he'll give her one. He doesn't. He tells me that while I'm running to the store to grab milk she needs to eat something. The first thing out of her mouth when I get back is, "mom, I'm hungry." I've been through all degrees of anger, frustration, and depression trying to find ways to even out the work. In the end, I get up, I take her to school, I cook all of her meals, as well as everyone else's. I do all of the laundry, even with a chore list on the fridge. I clean the house, take care of the animals, clean the fish tanks, pay the bills, buy the groceries... the list goes on. No one helps me, this was just one situation where I felt, again, victimized. What can I say, parent or not, it gets tiring to be the maid, the cook, the doctor, the vet, the entertainment, the money, the vending machine, the store, the ATM, and the disciplinary. I just can't do it all by myself which is why I wrote the post in the first place.
I can't deny that I said those things, or that that's how I feel, even now, but I'm not controlling Ken, nor am I forcing him against his will to do anything. If at all, it's me being forced against my will do everything.
I rarely come into this guild anymore as many of its members have gotten quite uppity and developed a superiority complex.
I'm in the same boat as you.
After my husband passed i decided to live at home with my family for the support and help.
Yeah I'm the gopher now.
I do EVERYTHING for my mom, 21 yr old brother and both kids.
It's like banging your head against the wall to try and get them to even rinse their own damn dishes.
I also get called a control freak ect because i am so organized and try to make plans of action to get things done....so I feel your pain.
I think some members of the guild need to come down from their high horses and realize not all of us get to have our happy perfect lives with supportive spouses and families.
Sorry to say but unless you are in their little clique you won't find understanding or support here.
I just didn't want you to feel alone.Pm me anytime.
=)
And ladies how about showing a little support and offering suggestions on how to better remedy the situation.
Isn't that what you would want?
A sympathetic shoulder.
This is suppose to be a place of support, understanding and help.
A place to rant and let it out to other parents who know how hard life can be.
Somehow lately that has fallen wayward.
I've noticed the trend lately of attacking people and making them feel bad about themselves and situations, and I find it simply appauling.
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Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 10:04 pm
@Erotica: I was merely sharing my opinion, and had previously stated that a lot of it was similar to Pirate's statements. Posting something like this usually inditcates the original poster wants responses, but does not guarantee they'll all be to your liking.
People online have the unfortunate disadvatnage of only hearing one side of the story. So to base an opinion and advice on that one side of the story is silly because it ultimately wouldn't help the situation. It takes 2 people to create and sustain any kind of problem, so it would make sense to give advice by attempting to take into acct BOTH side of the problem.
Hearing you additional comments, my advice would be to give him a taste of his own medicine. If he won't do anything to help you then don't do anything to help him. Only do for you and your daughter. Do only your laundry, your dishes, the responsibilities to you daughter. It won't change anything overnight, but it might smack him upside the head that he can't just take you for granted. Talk to him about limiting the time he plays his dumb game.
As far as what Monkey has told you about being in this guild clique; I've NEVER been in the inner circle of friends that run this guild. I have my own circle I'm in in other areas of this site. But never ONCE have I ever viewed this guild as unsupportive. I would recommend this guild to anyone needing support and understanding. I've been coming here for 4+ years, even before I was a mom, and I've never had one thing bad to say about it. This guild got me through some of the roughest moments in my life, the people here are wonderful and supportive even if at time it doesn't feel like it. They're ready with both hands to support you with an arm around your shoulder and to slap you when you're being stupid (I've been on both ends). Thing is if you get slapped its usually cuz you are being stupid. You will never find people more supportive and understand then you will in this guild.
@Monkey: stare Your support for this guild is so overhwleming.[/sarcasm]
Just because it isn't what is wanted tyo be heard doesn't mean an opinion doesn't need to be heard. I'd hate to think of how many time I've been in this guild and I've posted a problem only to have Dirge, Nopen, Angie, all kinds of members tell me things I DIDN'T want to hear; but that didn't mean they didn't need to be said. Even at times having members tell me I was the one in the wrong. Instead of getting defensive and thinking everyone was acting superior and judgemental it was better to take into acct that they may have life knowledge I don't and are trying to share their lessons with me so I'm not going around being an asshat.
And before you tell people they need to come down off their high horses, you might want to step down from your saddle as well. I'm in the exact same position as you are Monkey. But instead of my husband passing I ran away from the abusive b*****d and had to go back home. Now I take care of everything. Groceries, bills, kids to school, chores. You name it I do it. Does it piss me off? Hell yeah! But I've also noticed if I try to organize things and "force" people into plans, it only makes it worse. So I work with my family, trying to find compromises.
I would think you would try to remember how this guild rallied for you when your husband passed trying to support you and let you know you weren't alone before you bad mouth everyone.
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Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 10:14 pm
Wow, monkey that's really a slap in the face. I know for a fact myself and others really DO care and were there for you personally during those hard times. Not to mention, it's been rather slow with everyone dealing with their own lives and trials, so the drama has been relatively overhyped.
And just because someone disagrees or offers a different viewpoint doesn't mean their meanie poopheads who are all high school bitches. I can say with a fact there are friends here we don't agree on everything and sometimes I take a step back to realize where they are coming from. It's hard to gauge everything from b/w words and lack of tone on the internet.
They ARE offering help and support by showing how HE may be feeling. Of course they BOTH need to consider each OTHER'S feelings, I got the gist of that from the posts, be on the same page and compromise, that's what a relationship and parenting are about, no one can argue that, right? Well, I'm sure someone could, lol.
Look, I know more than anyone that feeling of things being messed up. My personality type is extremely dependent on routines, times, order. I make lists, I get anxious to the point of being physical sick when things go off routine. And no, it shouldn't get to the point of an all out fight, yelling, etc. It happens, we're human. Stewing on it isn't going to help at all. I've been married almost 8 years now, we've definitely had our ********, our trials, our moments of less than glorious.
It's really about perspective. I am actually in WOW that you are able to even have your SO be there for that. I wish my dh could be there for the morning routines, for the grocery shopping, for the homework. He's not a perfect man at all, but it's unrealistic and doesn't make him a ******** of a man just because he doesn't adhere to that standard.
I have learned I do have to let go a bit. That's not to say I don't have that HUGE urge to step in and say something. However, if you push and push, things get pushed back. I don't agree with how my husband doesn't always play with the kids I would, but if he's spending time and getting it done, it's something I have to let go of. If there IS some leeway in your routine, what does it hurt if has an extra 5 mins to wake up? If he does oversleep, he has to deal with the rushing and consquences of explaining her tardiness. And honestly, even the best of us, kids will be late, we will get sick, clothes won't match. It's just been a week, it takes time.
I'd never say my husband is a lazy father, because how would I like it he said I'm overbearing mother? It hurts just to think about it. Trust me, I go through that where I feel overworked and underappreciated. It's key not to stew on it, get passive aggressive (a horrible flaw of mine), and talk. Really talk.
Seriously though, if you want just huggles and sorport, that's one thing. I've always been a straight shooter with honesty. We aren't those mean girls thinking "myhahaha how can I make you feel like s**t" come on.
I've been MIA because my life has been less than scheduled, less than perfect. I leave you with a saying that's been chanting in my head with some hard times and communication:
"Speak without offending, listen without defending."
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:48 am
xd Gee, Monkey came back to publicly jump on me? That's never happened before. *wink*
Erotica, I'm sorry that you did not like the responses you received. If you want nothing but Yes Men, you will not find them here as a few of us are more blunt in our advice. Right now, we are the more active people so it can seem like the majority. If others would post, you'd get a much wider range of answers and perspectives. Despite accusations to the contrary, I always give advice based on what I would need to hear in the situation rather then what I would want to.
Based on the new information you have given about your situation, it would seem that your best solution may be to get into couple's counseling to help you sort your issues out with an objective third party. If you feel like you're talking to a wall and no solution can be found, then it may be time to find outside help to get to the heart of your issues (meaning the two of you as a couple, not specifically you-you). Fights are rarely about what they seem to be on the surface; there is usually more going on.
As stated before, I wish you the best of luck in finding resolution to your problems.
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Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 11:10 am
 Yes, I do a lot when it comes to the children because I'm a stay at home mom, but Greg does his things because we decided together that he would do it.
I agree with the counseling. If he's behaving like this and your taking it you're just setting a bad example for your daughter on what she should expect from a guy. So, definitely go to counseling with or with out him. You obviously need some one to talk to as well.
We're not trying to make you look bad. Honestly I could care less about you in this situation. I'm more worried about what kind example your setting for your daughter and what she's going through with this whole situation. Like they said your a parent now. It's not about you anymore. It's about what's best for your daughter.
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