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 Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 6:24 pm
*Ahem* Now that I've gotten everyone's attention with that epithet, I am Death, and I need your educated opinions on my work!! In order to save forum load problems (and to make my life easier and more orderly- something that it is NOT irl), all my works worth mentioning these days are up in the writing arena. They all relate to each other, but to compensate for my writing weaknesses (in this case, not being able to finish at least ONE story I start due to getting bored in the lulls), all the chapters are going to be posted out of order indiscriminately as I get the urge to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), and it will be the esteemed reader's job *gives a flourishing bow* to put the pieces together and discern the order of events and therefore the story itself. Sound fascinating? Or just curious? Well, decide for yourself. There's three sections up at the moment. The first is the definitive beginning of everything and carries the namesake of the series as its title: 1. Bad Timing (in the author's opinion, the best) Second to be published: The Escape (in the author's opinion, this one needs the most critique) Third to be published: Dream a Little Dream of Me... (in the author's opinion, she's got no real opinion on this one. xd ) Fourth to be published: Tenebraerum A very, very short piece hinting at some very heavy things to come. If the writing arena is frustrating to you, I've also got everything posted on Fictionpress.com: > LINKAGE< Feel free to rip it to pieces there as well. 3nodding I do hand out cool points, so feel free to scrutinize, analyze, and go the whole nine yards! I'm serious! Now, if you all will excuse me...... *takes up her weapon of the day and shuffles off*
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Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 7:55 pm
I'm too lazy to click the links.
Post them here.
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Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 7:56 am
This is interesting. I have to say, I silently cheered when the first description of a vampire included words like 'gruesome' rather than 'omg-like-so-totally-hawt'. And while, as you say, the pieces aren't written in close chronological order, they work together really well, particuarly in charting the strange hate-love relationship Evangelista has with Haarold.
I think it'd be good to have a bit more of an idea about the time frame they take place. Obviously it's over (i think you said) 87 years, and I assume that, form various little things you've said (and the book references), that its pretty modern. However, that'd mean that the third section of the book takes place from...perhaps 2050 onwards, and there isn't a huge amount of indication about (what will inevitably be) new technologies etc.
Anyway, individual criticisms:
Part 1 - love it, love it, love it! It's a very different take on the usual accounts of being turned. As I said, I was so glad not to see something about how sexy and irrisistable the vampire was. The wry references to typical cliches, and genuinely interesting parts, of vampire stories were especially good.
Part 2 - I love how reflective and sad the beginning is; again, it's a more unusual take on the tormented-vampire line. That she's hiding/recuperating in a burrow is also a great idea, because it emphasises the difference between that and her former/later condition.
I think perhaps you use 'suddenly' and 'again' too often in these sections - try using alternative words.
"Something grabbed my foot and pulled me up by it roughly." This sentence feels a bit clumsy; perhaps 'pulled me up by it roughly' could be rephrased?
'"How did you find me??" I cried.' - Argh! Evil double question marks! '!?' is fine, but I have a personal hatred of finding multiple exclamation or question marks in serious writing.
'I'd been offered places amongst some of them as well, as my maker seemed to have a reputation as a sadistic bully and master manipulator.' - You don't need the 'as well', and 'my maker had a reputation' would suffice.
Incidentally, is Haarold ever going to reveal how he managed to find her? Or are we to assume it's just the bond with him as her creator?
"You do it all the time, but when I don't come running back you actually care" - I love the sentiment in that section, but this particuarly bit doesn't quite ring right.
'"Go," he said, looking at the ground. / "What?" I said lamely, surprised by his command.' - Too many 'saids'.
Erm...that's all for now, as I've got to go for now. I'll finish off a criique of this and the third part another day.
Thanks for a good read smile
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Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:31 am
charbookwyrm This is interesting. I have to say, I silently cheered when the first description of a vampire included words like 'gruesome' rather than 'omg-like-so-totally-hawt'. And while, as you say, the pieces aren't written in close chronological order, they work together really well, particuarly in charting the strange hate-love relationship Evangelista has with Haarold. I think it'd be good to have a bit more of an idea about the time frame they take place. Obviously it's over (i think you said) 87 years, and I assume that, form various little things you've said (and the book references), that its pretty modern. However, that'd mean that the third section of the book takes place from...perhaps 2050 onwards, and there isn't a huge amount of indication about (what will inevitably be) new technologies etc. Anyway, individual criticisms: Part 1 - love it, love it, love it! It's a very different take on the usual accounts of being turned. As I said, I was so glad not to see something about how sexy and irrisistable the vampire was. The wry references to typical cliches, and genuinely interesting parts, of vampire stories were especially good. Part 2 - I love how reflective and sad the beginning is; again, it's a more unusual take on the tormented-vampire line. That she's hiding/recuperating in a burrow is also a great idea, because it emphasises the difference between that and her former/later condition. I think perhaps you use 'suddenly' and 'again' too often in these sections - try using alternative words. "Something grabbed my foot and pulled me up by it roughly." This sentence feels a bit clumsy; perhaps 'pulled me up by it roughly' could be rephrased? '"How did you find me??" I cried.' - Argh! Evil double question marks! '!?' is fine, but I have a personal hatred of finding multiple exclamation or question marks in serious writing. 'I'd been offered places amongst some of them as well, as my maker seemed to have a reputation as a sadistic bully and master manipulator.' - You don't need the 'as well', and 'my maker had a reputation' would suffice. Incidentally, is Haarold ever going to reveal how he managed to find her? Or are we to assume it's just the bond with him as her creator? "You do it all the time, but when I don't come running back you actually care" - I love the sentiment in that section, but this particuarly bit doesn't quite ring right. '"Go," he said, looking at the ground. / "What?" I said lamely, surprised by his command.' - Too many 'saids'. Erm...that's all for now, as I've got to go for now. I'll finish off a criique of this and the third part another day. Thanks for a good read smile Oh my, this was so well put. Thank you!! Yes, I know "The Escape" is a bit lack-luster- I was even aware of that after I wrote it. I still posted it because it was what it was in relation to that section of the story I felt I needed to convey, but I definitely felt at the time that I needed a beta reader for it. Something I've noticed is that all these parts seem to reflect, personally, things I'm sort of experiencing real life, either embodied as extremes or opposites of situations that have taken their toll on my psyche or imagination. Now, opinions can vary as to what that says about my mind, but I just thought I'd add it as an interesting aside. xd The flaws you've caught for "The Escape", however, are very reasonable. At some point, I do want to go back and tweak a couple of things here and there, and I'll definitely take into account what you've listed here. I agree to some extent about the double interrogatories/exclamatories versus the single combination of the two. I'll have to look back at that and see how it affects flow, which in this 'era' of my writing is something I tend to pay careful attention to. The mechanics I use to convey my definition of a vampire and what exactly they do is very much a hybrid of Anne Rice mythology and Robin Mckinley's novel "Sunshine" which, yes, I mention in BT itself. BT was originally meant as a one-shot with an ambiguous ending, and I got such an enthusiastic response from it that I decided to see where I could go with it. Still, the quotes I use in the second to last paragraph or so of the story come from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles- they're some of my most favourite lines. She has put out some ridiculously quotable books. However, in this opening chapter, Evangelista could almost be Sunshine's sister in her way of thinking and viewing the things around her, until the very end where I myself finally got into the swing of things and the story starts to take its own style. That's probably for the best, though. :B Also, congrats to be the first to spot my xena-like ignorance of the time/space continuum!! rofl I was honestly thinking about that as I wrote the third part wondering if anyone would notice, and mostly for that reason is why "The Escape" is pretty much set out in the middle of nowhere and "Dream a little dream of me...", as you will discover, is in a mid-sized european, ex-roman city- those sorts of places are essentially timeless. They'll always have the same features and the same types of people around them, it's just the way they go about their everyday lives that will be mildly affected, and that's what I'll have to sort out when I move forward in time. Please check out the newest part, as I'm interested in people's opinion on it since it's new. I half wonder if it's too fast a change, but once I fill in those missing 80 years that were mentioned in 'the escape', it might put a totally different spin on how you read it when/if you go back to it some day. There are no words in the english language to properly convey what kind of a self-defeatist yet arrogant motherf&&#xke;r H is, and that time gap will hopefully explain it. Again, thank you!! I look forward to what you have to say on the next section. smile `Death PS: Please continue this amazing dialogue, everyone! So far so good- I love reading these things! whee
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:20 pm
Hello! I'm bumping my thread because very soon I'm going to begin work on another chapter of 'Bad Timing'.
Those of you who haven't already, please read the first post, read the three that are up, and please rate and leave your comments on the writing arena entries (or start there and come back here if you'd like to give a detailed analysis of what you think).
All feedback is precious, so thank you! smile
`Death
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 6:22 pm
Aww! You're so nice and not mad at our lazy forum--I simply have to read! Please remind me over break, as it's final's week here. =)
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Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:17 pm
Haha, of course not! At the moment, I've added one very small chapter. There will be more later. ---> TenebraerumIf you've never read before, please read the first post of this thread to understand what's going on. smile
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