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 Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:03 am
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 12:00 pm
Art References.Warning. Images may be X-box HUEG.  
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 11:10 am
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 11:11 am
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 11:12 am
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:01 pm
Off the bat, I like this a lot more than your Ariel concept! While the other one was a joke, it still left almost no room for creativity, and I think this is a pretty rounded character! I rarely do crits, because I hate being nitty, but I think you can definitely benefit and have shown that you can work with constructive criticism. OFF TO CRIT.
- I am not sure curiosity can be deemed a 'virtue' since most people speak of it negatively. 'Curiosity killed the cat', 'Eavesdroppers never hear anything complimentary', etc etc. I think you should keep it, being that I am a nosy b*****d myself, but as a fault.
- Definitely make a fact that she forgives people so fast a major point. Does she forgive them because she wants to be liked badly? People rarely forgive others JUST to forgive them. Does she not enjoy the feeling of a nasty grudge? Some reason behind it would be nice, other than she is just a saint, because nobody is, not really!
- I am not sure drawing her own body heat is going to work. If she always falls ill after a senshi battle, people are going to get suspicious. Also, none of the other Senshi would dream of taking her to a hospital, because how do you explain hypothermia without getting her taken away from her parents? I'd eliminate the body heat part entirely, and just assume that there is magic heating things up. It's feasible in this universe!
- I really like the concept for her end attack, and it definitely makes sense with her theme! But be aware it might eventually be rejected as 'twinkish'. Is she fully healed after she does that attack, or is she still as injured as she was previously? I think if you retain the injuries with the attack it would be something a bit more workable.
I can't think of much else, and I like that her mom is a single lesbian raising a daughter. I like that a lot actually.
C:
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:15 pm
I like it more then my Ariel concept too, which is why I scrapped her all together. While the reworking of the character could have been worth it, it was still too much work.
-I actually looked up a list of virtues, as I suck at coming up with them (I'm used to working with more flawed characters, honestly), and curiosity was on the list. X3;;; So... that's not entirely my doing? Though considering her level of curiosity maybe it is better as a flaw.
-Will update her forgiveness after I finish this.
-Now which one is this comment about, as she can use her own body heat for both. Though I suppose I could change it for both. But at the same time I'm also trying to make the attacks feasible. Regardless, I have been having second thoughts about the body heat thing, so I may remove that.
-The healing bit was a bit of a play off of the fact that phoenixes rise from their own ashes, hence the name. Though I suppose the fact that she comes out of the attack with no added injuries can play off of that as well...
Awww, I'm glad you like the idea of her mom! It's actually a bit of an homage to one of Ama's Sailor Moon ocs, who was our original Saior Phoenix in an rp we were doing over messenger at one point <3
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:33 pm
Yeah, some people think of things differently. No huge thing~ Feel free to disregard EVERYTHING I said, it's just my opinion.
C:
Perhaps think of her final attack like this - Phoenixes, when reborn, are usually reborn as infants. So instead of her instantly regressing to an infant (or worse, her non-senshi form!) she just keeps the injuries.
For the heat thing, I did mean it altogether. Perhaps it can make her minorly sick and shivery and she has to chitter through her teeth while she fights, but actual health-threatening temperature is something that I think would be more of a hindrance than a help.
But it might also be an interesting plot point, and would make all the Senshi avoid her like the plague! Depends on how you want to work it, and if the shop is ok with that concept.
^^~~
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:46 pm
On the curiosity bit, I'll leave it where it is for now. But I won't disregard what you said, as you had valid points, for sure.
I agree with the final attack, and changed it so she didn't get healed. Luckily the way I wrote everything it was just a matter of highlighting and deleting things.
Also, I kept a copy of the original attack list, so if I decide to go back to the body heat usage, then I have it. But for now I changed it, because I was forgetting, to a degree, that this is magical girl style X3;;; So, for now it's changed. Thanks for the input! <333
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Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2009 2:52 pm
Just in regards to the attacks - there's only meant to be two. According to all the forms, you get a second attack at Eternal stage, not before.
And since your Super stage attack is exactly what Roy Mustang from FMA does with exactly the same weapon (gloves that create friction), I'd just remove it altogether and stick with your first and last attacks...
I like that the power sphere is only heat, not fire, it makes for some very interesting potential powers for her.
I agree about "curiosity". If you're going to leave it as a virtue, I'd write about it more positively - you've only listed the negative aspects. I agree that curiosity can be a powerful virtue, you just haven't told us why it is for Amara.
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