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 Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:06 pm
Let me know what you think.
Tell me your likes, dislikes, agreements, favorite parts/pop culture references/etc.
There will be more up soon!
Chapter one:
The epitome of Nerddom
You start with the age old nature vs. nurture argument. Is it genetics? Is it your surroundings or your generation? Certainly, you decide, it must be a combination of the two, as your mother spontaneously bursts into song and your father laughs at his own jokes before he gets to the punch line, but neither of them still get up for Saturday morning cartoons.
So logically, and we use this term as Vulcan-like as possible, you decide that you cannot blame one or the other factor for the way you turned out. But hey, you’re not so bad, you have a strict set of beliefs which touch on subjects of religion, conformity, pop culture and probably science, and you have friends that are better than any other clique had to offer.
Okay, you’re a little different. And by “different” I mean you know what a litotes is and are and still listen to nineties music and play trivial pursuit just for kicks and probably have a phaser, light saber or wand. It is not that big of a deal, at least when you wear sandals you leave the socks at home. Then again, maybe not.
So, you might be a nerd. Dork, dweeb, geek, whatever new slightly derogatory term they are using nowadays. Not like it matters to you, as long as you get to like what you like - and besides, you will always be accepted at the convention in March, right?
You are not alone. This could come as a surprise as you may have been eating lunch that way for the last years of public schooling. But really, you are not the only one who gets excited when someone uses the word “logical,” or when the teacher gets to your favorite time period in history, when you find the fantasy section in the new bookstore or when someone besides yourself knows how to integrate an equation with a natural log in it.
Right about now you might be ready for me to slow down. “Calculus? I’m out!” And you put your hands up in the air and walk out. Of course as long as you have been a nerd (or maybe you just found out that you are, welcome) you know that each type of nerd has their own genus and species nowadays. So after you spend a few hours searching for a chart which you can use to classify yourself- you find that you are an anime-loving Trekkie, a Batman-watching Dungeon Master, or maybe just a Lord of the Rings fan with a few AP classes- you move on to trying to get to the root of this problem.
You ask the famous five questions, use your knowledge of the scientific method, or introspection, hell, maybe you will see a therapist. Anything that will lead you to the answer of how you turned out this way. Or perhaps how you got to this point is not what is important here, you simply wanted to see how many references to the Legend of the Seeker you would find in this text.
Your evaluation, as stated before, can start with five questions:
Who? As in, Who influenced me to be this way? Or for some even, Who’s bright idea was it to show me all of the Star Wars movies in a row? Perhaps it was no person in particular. Whether it be a combination of your family, your school friends, or society in general, it had to start somewhere. Maybe all of your addictions came from different areas of your life, maybe it is a result of karma for laughing at the kid with glasses in first grade. Hey, you didn’t know any better. You still believed in the possibility of world peace and equal rights back then.
What? As in, What about watching all of the Priceline Negotiator commercials is strange? Maybe What really classifies it as an addiction anyways? And then of course you pick up this week’s Shonen Jump to see what happens to Naruto in this thrilling nineteen-page installment. Wondering what the real problem is, and of course we know there is no real problem we’re simply evaluating ourselves because we want to prove we have no problem to admit for the first of twelve steps. At least you can get a cheap laugh at the jokes that will later be made about Miley Cyrus or another computer-generated talent-less celebrity whose fame is to redeem the tarnished name of a relative. Yes, we’re talking to you Ashlee. Continuing on, though, Which of your likes can really be classified as the source of your inner dork?
Where? Perhaps, Where did the problem originate? or Where can I go to escape this part of me that I simply do not want my friends to find out about? Unfortunately, I have no idea how to help with that second question, but the source of the problem is important to consider. It goes back to who, unless of course you were planning to use this evaluation on someone else and your answer would be their name (you would proceed to tie them to a chair and force them to watch reruns of “Law & Order” until they’ve conformed.
When? This one is important with simply two types of question, either When did this start? Or When did this get to be a problem? Because you know liking N Sync wasn’t a problem in the fifth grade.
Lastly, Why? Unfortunately, I’m leaving these examples to the individual. As only one person can question and answer what it is that draws you to this way of life. Aspects of high fantasy or sci-fi which are appealing or give you a future to look forward to could be a reasonable explanation, or maybe you just like to argue with your friends over guys in books. There’s no judgment here.
Now that we’ve gotten you through that, there’s the majority of readers or listeners wondering if there is even a point to all of this jargon. To answer your question, no. Now get out.
But this is about more than pointing and laughing at yourself in the mirror or finally admitting to yourself or your loved ones that you love daytime television to the extent that its unhealthy; it is about more than realizing that you are not alone and that there actually exist more people on this planet with a similar thought process (i.e. Run for it!). This is mostly about discovering the reasons behind your divine love of Captain Jean-luc Picard. More importantly, why you feel the way you do and why that is perfectly fine
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:09 pm
Chapter two:
The cataclysm that was high school.
Statistics may or may not have proven that people who were nerds in high school will one day employ those who made fun of them in high school (I don’t know, I don’t like numbers much). However I doubt I would ever take a job under someone who I shoved into a locker their freshman year in fear of what they would do to my family. And certainly I would never employ the little cretins who laughed at my club’s flyers anyhow.
Although when it comes to those people, I have some more statistics that would shut them up for a minute and a half. But it is better not to inform the enemy of the secret bases. Lest they become plain old bases and most high school seniors will be doing anything to get to all three of them.
High school starts, for you just like everyone else, with Freshman year, but all of the years following are equally as dreaful, and filled with pretty much the same nonsense as the year before.
You show up either alone in a big and scary universe, or hanging out with the same crowd you have known since kindergarten. No big, maybe they still watch Pokémon too. The school system was intelligent enough to snag you for that boost in their school grade where you will be the grain of rice that tips the scale when it comes to beating the homecoming rival for the “Let’s see how many kids we can fit into one AP classroom per period” competition. Of course that class is a scream.
After pulling out your hair and learning that your essay probably has literally less value to it than a piece of paper on which your cat has peed, you have to take gym. Perhaps you will avoid the period where you share a locker room with the kid who tapes butt cheeks together, but somehow Emilio Estevez is just always there. Like some sort of omniscient ghost from the eighties, who, like the other Breakfast Club kids could only get work if there were two or more of them together.
Of course you will not be caught with your pants down in gym, so, you don’t shower, and your next class you smell like sweat and, knowing your athletic abilities, defeat. If you think I’m being too hard on you let me know, but I do believe George Lucas’s work will have taken more of a beating than your ego by the end of this.
So next you get lucky and have some history class. The teacher recognizes your skill and decides that for the rest of the year, you will know any and everything there is to know about Joseph Stalin and the Pigmies in Africa. You roll your eyes and stop by the library, excuse me Media Center, during lunch to read up as much as you can on Benito Mussolini’s approval rating before you are forced back into the class due to this split lunch nonsense only to find out that you had the wrong guy and everyone laughs even though you haven’t seen a single one of them ever answer a question in there before.
The next class comes up and you get lucky, an elective that involves no nudity. Unfortunately it is Drawing I and even if you do have any talent it is unrecognized because the so-called teacher will never understand your classy values and abstract mind, which are way ahead of this time (namely because you got them from Futurama), so you get out with a B which lowers your whole GPA.
Moving on your get something really exciting, and I’m not talking Basket Weaving 101, here, more like the real genius class, Quantum Physics or some subject that finally loves you back. You saw Dr. McCoy do this, so you know you can handle it. Better than that though, you know the smarter you seem, the more people will ask you for help on their homework which you can happily refuse to give because you’ll be too busy doing what they made fun of you for- Star Trek, Anime, Harry Potter, etc. -then you can make them regret ever having insulted the brilliant mind of Gene Roddenberry, or Hans Christian Anderson.
You get to finish the day off with a language probably. Knowing high school and America, that language is Spanish. You spend two to three years of your high school career in there and come out with a high school diploma and the ability to talk about what color the dog is in Spanish. I hardly think it qualifies as bilingual of course.
But the most exciting part of high school is not your schedule, it is your posse. Dare you call them that, as using that word might set it back a few notches on the popularity chart. There is a guide to all of the friends in every group, whether they be guy friends, girl friends, teachers, worst enemies or what have you, you have them all mapped out by the end of ninth grade, and you hang that paper up on your cork board to throw darts at some of the names when you find out that Adult Swim is only playing Inuyasha one night a week now.
Your after school club is either something you have made up with your friends or some nonsense group that will look good on a college resume because your cap and gown are different colors when you walk across the stage picking up the exact same diplomas as the kids who don’t have to worry about spilling something on their gat-up. But hey, you have earned that privilege to walk first and therefore sleep less during that never-ending ceremony where you beg you aren’t the poor fool who gets stuck writing a speech.
Oddly enough, there are people like you there, in that after school gathering of anime-covered messenger bags, thick-rimmed glasses and plaid. You all gather around and discuss the latest fan fictions which are noticeably getting worse as time goes by, and maybe one of your brings a DVD that gives the entire congregation a few cheap laughs at Charlie Sheen or something like him.
You play some games and swap cheat codes and FAQ websites so that you can finally get past that unbeatable level in that samurai game, and you can look like a genius for being the only one to rescue the princess in the latest Zelda release- without cheat codes. All of this ends on a high note, perhaps B sharp, and you go home to set up the basement or dining room as the dungeon for the sleepover this weekend where instead of their own pillows, guests bring their own Cheetos and Mountain Dew and maybe even cardboard swords or replica staffs for battles where sound effects are made using only your mouth trying to spit as much as possible as you pretend you are an explosion.
Yep. High school is simply preparation for college, and worse -the real world.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:11 pm
Chapter three:
The Dork in His Natural Habitat.
Of course not all of your time is spent at school. Otherwise chess players would outnumber World of Warcraft patrons any day. You are most exciting and interesting in one of your many natural environments. And of course it is not too difficult to find your natural habitat as you spend a majority of your time there. As a matter of fact, you probably spend anywhere from sixty to ninety percent of your time at home, more specifically, in the room with the computer.
Now, while no one knows how long it takes you to go through the maze to find the cheese, you still have many observable and noteworthy characteristics that make you an interesting test subject. And while everyone is a nonconformist metaphorical snowflake etcetera, you, like many of your species, spend most of your time appreciating your anonymous identity online. And, obviously, the fact that you can be cool, in a nerdy kind of way.
When alone, you find yourself either enjoying the silence or the sounds of the keyboard, maybe the latest j-rock song to hit the scene (because if you’re going to be a weaboo, you’d better be the best). You are comfortable alone, unless you are the complete opposite in which, well, obviously you are not. Mom brings you pizza rolls on a platter, or if you are in college, you have to take a short break from your studying with reruns of jeopardy to go through the entire process of microwaving the mini heart attacks. It is common that the nerd alone will resort to creating an original character to entertain his or herself just to occupy their mind -you might do the same, perhaps join a new site for role playing, emphasize all original ideas to avoid a Mary Sue or as they’re slowly changing her name to - Edward Cullen. Then, when all is said and done, go to be around ten because there is nothing better to do anyhow.
The nerd in a group can be quite different however. While friends can inspire you to not only be a little more outgoing, they may even get you to emerge from your home. When they cannot, you usually put on all of the sci-fi movies you have in succession and watch them while devouring all of the popcorn in the house- unless you have braces at the time- until you all fall asleep on the makeshift barracks of your living room floor with all of the comforters laid out in front of the TV.
When in fact they get you to leave the house, first you must apply sunscreen no matter how long you will be out, because it has been so long, but hopefully they take you to an urban setting such as an amusement park or the mall. In the mall, you would visit maybe three stores, and stare daggers at the ones which senselessly sell their own name on their shirts and are overpriced at the same time. If there’s a sale you are likely to hit it up with the twenty that mom gave you for new socks, but if there isn’t one, you know you hit either the bookstore or Hot Topic for something you will later tell your mother you bought a long time ago. But what teenager wouldn’t?
The movie theater is known for the cornucopia of cliques on the outside and inside of it, either waiting to see a movie, sending one member of their party into the line for snacks or leaving their G-rated movie theaters for the latest horror flick across the hallway, hoping not to get caught, or hoping to break their previous record of eight free movies in one day.
The nerd can be found at any flicks. This will depend on the type of group you have. If your members side more on the anime genre, you’ll be found at the latest Studio Ghibli release cooing over the same thing you saw in the last eight Miyazaki movies. If you are there for the latest Harry Potter movie, good luck getting a ticket. Or maybe Saw Fourteen just came out, and that’s what you are into.
No matter what you’re there for you know you are the kids in either the very last row, or the very first. If in the back, you are being obnoxiously loud and always with that friend that you have to watch what you say around because your words will be turned into something perverted.
After being told to shut up through the entire span of the previews for movies which you either rejected or shouted “We are so seeing that!” You finally shut up for the start of the movie, and later return to your house after doing absolutely nothing risky or illegal - hell, you mom probably picked you up. But it isn’t a bad thing. Not to you or any of your friends, since you’ll probably talk about one of the jokes that you made while waiting around for your ride for the rest of the week.
Of course you will return to being introverted and quiet when you get into your classes without friends on Monday morning, and around Thursday, you and your posse will have plans for the next weekend. But more importantly, the upcoming convention.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:12 pm
Chapter four:
Reaching Nerdvana and ascertaining how epic it is to get there.
Nerdvana, as a dear friend of mine was so kind to develop a name for, is more than just what it sounds. And it sounds pretty damn epic. If you were to break down the pun into Nerd and Nirvana, you would probably already know but maybe have to look up that Nirvana is freeing one’s spiritual self from attachment to worldly things, and therefore, Nerdvana is basically forgetting everything to just nerd-out every now and then.
Every now and then may come in many forms. For some, it’s the latest installment of a franchise. The movie you camp out to get tickets for; you would not mind sitting for eight additional hours in the theater for. For others, it is the science fair or quiz bowl at school, where you finally get to show off your area of expertise without being completely out of sync with those around you. For the majority, however, every now and then is bliss, in the form of a convention.
Any type of convention will do, anime, Star Trek, sci-fi, Star Wars, horror, science, computer, comic book, fantasy or anything else you can possibly imagine. A convention is not only paradise to a nerd, but a place where attaining Nerdvana becomes a reality. To a convention attendee, a convention is one of the few times in a year where everyone around you can see who you truly are, and hell, they probably want a picture of you! The people, the stands, the food, even the air within the convention is different, new, better. It’s a place where people sympathize with you and the pain from your wrapped-up chest; where people appreciate all the hard work it took to be so detail-oriented with your costume; where you could wander around in circles for hours and never feel lost.
You may feel I am over exaggerating, and you may be right, or perhaps you have not had the opportunity to experience one for yourself. The people are magnanimous, the mood is all-around euphoria, and all of the hugs are free! A convention of any kind is more than happiness, it is more than amusement, it is sheer bliss.
This is the state of Nerdvana. It is the excitement and joy from a place like this. It is the surprise of finding out a well-known friend is as addicted to the Disney classics as you are. It is the feeling you get when you hear a familiar quote you know by a stranger in public. But most of all, it is being true to yourself, and all of your nerdy companions. It is knowing that there are four lights and five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes without having to count. It is swooning every time your favorite anime character speaks or runs his fingers through his hair. It is being convinced for quite a significant chunk of your life that you might be a werewolf once a month. It is every thought and feeling that makes you then nerd you are. Nerdvana.
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Son of a Jotun Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:20 pm
Really Wookie?
Alright, I'll read.
Quotes I liked.
"So logically, and we use this term as Vulcan-like as possible,"
"And by “different” I mean you know what a litotes is and are and still listen to nineties music and play trivial pursuit just for kicks and probably have a phaser, light saber or wand. It is not that big of a deal, at least when you wear sandals you leave the socks at home. Then again, maybe not."
"your favorite time period in history, when you find the fantasy section in the new bookstore or when someone besides yourself knows how to integrate an equation with a natural log in it." xDD
"Batman-watching Dungeon Master"
"LEGEND OF THE SEEKER." My girlfriend watches that retarded show. . .
"Hey, you didn’t know any better. You still believed in the possibility of world peace and equal rights back then. " My favorite line so far.
lol @ Ashlee Simpson's fat sister.
"love daytime television to the extent that its unhealthy;" I'm hooked.
"divine love of Captain Jean-luc Picard. " Wookie. Did you write this for me?
"Lest they become plain old bases and most high school seniors will be doing anything to get to all three of them." You know us High school boys well.
"After pulling out your hair and learning that your essay probably has literally less value to it than a piece of paper on which your cat has peed," My English class, in a nutshell.
Breakfast club joke. So true. SO VERY TRUE.
"do believe George Lucas’s work will have taken more of a beating than your ego by the end of this." I can't wait to read the rest.
"Benito Mussolini’s approval rating" There's a word for a phrase like this. I believe it is "nonexistent."
El perro es rojo.
"everyone is a nonconformist metaphorical snowflake etcetera" That may have made my day. One of my teachers is a total hippie and said the snowflake thing on the first day of school. I got a few cheap laughs by commenting that we weren't the only flakes in the room.
Unfortunately, this is where I must go. Second night, homework.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 6:29 pm
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