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 Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:09 pm
W o r d s__________ w i t h o u t __________ t h o u g h t s __________ n e v e r __________ t o__________ H e a v en__________ G o 
I am going to be frank as I possibly can about this section. I can offer you some gentle critique, tell you that your story is perfectly wonderful. But let's face it, even some of the greatest writers of our time can hardly claim that.... I BARELY consider myself a writer, I can always do better. I know I can. We are our worst critics. So, for shits and giggles, let me be your worst critic, so you don't have to be. If you want a piece that you have written to be absolutely scrutinized, then, step forward and let me know. These are what I am looking for:
o1. Spelling: Duh...
o2. Grammar: Simple mistakes are easy to fix...
o3. Fractures and Run-ons: Some are necessary, but too many get out of hand.
o4. Characters: They are surely important if you want readers to connect to you
05. Character Dynamics: Are you changing your character's status too quickly?
o6. Voice: Are you using the proper voice format for what you are writing?
o7. Story Development: Are you switching topics mid way without transitions?
o8. Miscellaneous: Paragraph indentation, periods, simple stuff like that.
After I am done I will have a follow up with ways to improve your writing, if there are need for any after all. Take all that I say not to heart, but to good use. If you think that I am being cruel, then you should probably not take your writing career any further than something you are just passionate about as a hobby. Publishers will eat you up and spit you out, dead or alive. So, keep that in mind... without further ado.
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Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 6:18 pm
Story of Saiotsu: Test I [Critique in Progress] Prologue: Sparks shot about from a malfunctioning laboratory. Smoke stirring abruptly around a young man, glass scattered about the floor, and broken bits of machinery laid here and there on counter tops and tables. All that could be seen was a brightly lit computer screen showing of some kind of research that wasn’t human. Two charts appeared on the cracked computer screen, each with a number as if they were some kind of experiment, the same information and both of them showed a phenomenal characteristic. As we continued our search we found documents of the recorded data that was displayed on the computer.
We’ve decided for the good of the people that these documents not be reported to the world outside, for they would only create panic and chaos to those that believe in what they say. These documents will be taken into C.I.A hands and will be kept there until further notice. Until then we have no choice but to wait and see how the results turn out and hope for the best that our science can find a way to stop that which has been created.
Sixteen years later…
Chapter 1: The Dream
“Saiotsu wake up! Saiotsu! Saiotsu!” said a girl’s voice.
“Saiotsu wake up!” said the voice of the boy’s mother. “Saiotsu if you don’t wake up I swear to God I’ll smack you so hard.”
“Ugh.” The boy said as he turned over on his bed. “What is it mom?” he said groggily.
“You’ve got chores to do and I don’t want to hear any excuses this time.” Saiotsu’s mom said demandingly.
“Meh, I don’t feel like it mom. Today’s Saturday. Why can’t I just sleep in?” He questioned her.
“That’s exactly why you need to do them today. Because it’s Saturday and if you don’t get up and do it now, you won’t get around to doing it later.” She remarked.
Saiotsu got up out of bed and stared at his mom, he nodded his head as he signaled her to get out so he could get ready. He walked to his chest full of clothes and picked out a blue shirt with a tribal design and a pair of black jeans. He reached above the chest where his bandana resided. He quickly tied it around his neck and slipped on his shoes. He opened his door and walked down the stairs into the living room.
“Okay mom I’m all ready for my chores. So, what might they be this time?” He said rudely.
“Don’t give me that attitude young man!” She shouted. “Go clean out that empty shed outside in the back and make sure you throw away anything we might not need.”
“Yes ma`am.” He replied as he walked to the front door.
He opened the handle and stepped outside. It was a warm spring day; the sun was shining brightly, clouds in the bright blue sky hung over his head. He walked around to the back where the old shed was. He really didn’t feel doing what his mother had asked him, but he knew if he didn’t get it done there would be more arguing between them and he didn’t want that to happen. He got to the shed and he turned the old rusty door knob, it creaked as he pushed the door in.
Inside there were spider-webs, moth-eaten boxes, broken glass, and rusted barrels full of his old toys. He sighed as he pushed his way in; he began to pick up the barrels and boxes and stacked them towards the back. A spider-web got on his arm, but he quickly brushed it off. After about an hour of rearranging boxes and barrels, along with killing a spider or two, he decided to call it a day and headed for his house.
Saiotsu began to feel slightly paranoid as if someone or something was watching him. He figured it was because he was in a shed full of spiders, but it was a strange feeling he couldn’t shake. He continued walking to the house; a strange rustling noise appeared to the right of him towards some nearby trees. He stopped his movements and stared intently at the trees; before he knew it he fell to the ground as if someone pushed him. He quickly got up and turned around, there he saw a figure in a black cloak, its face covered by its hood; it was taller than him by nearly a foot and towered over him as he stared up at it. Saiotsu began crawling back to get away from the cloaked persona.
“Who are you?” He questioned it as he began to get up.
The figure remained silent after a few moments until it spoke. “…You don’t need to know, boy.”
The cloaked person had a deep and mysterious voice. Saiotsu presume it was a man behind the hood of the cloak. He stepped forward only once and continued his relentless stare.
“Fine if you won’t tell me who you are then at least explains to me why you are here.” Saiotsu demanded.
“I’m here for you.” He said quickly after being questioned. “Here for you and you only.”
“Why are you here for me?” Saiotsu said frighten.
“They are my orders. I must obey them or I shall be punished.” He said calmly.
“Who do you work for?” Saiotsu said even more frighten than before.
“I work for Zana Corporations. They’ve been looking for you for a long time…Saiotsu.” He said fiercely walking closer to Saiotsu.
“How do you know my name and why are you after me?” He shouted stepping back to equal out the distance.
“You ask too many questions Saiotsu. I’m here to tell you what you are and why we need to take you.” He said stepping forward to Saiotsu once again.
“Go ahead and tell me, but don’t take another step forward.” Saiotsu said almost stumbling backwards this time.
“Fine, you see our corporation found documents in a facility’s laboratory far from here. We’ve recently learned that there were two subjects who survive experiments that were beyond our comprehension at the time. We’ve now learned what research they preformed on those test subjects.” He explained.
“Okay what does this have to do with me?” Saiotsu said puzzled at what the man was explaining to him.
“Well, you’re one of those subjects that survive the experiments. That’s why I’m here, to tell you what they’ve done to you.” He continued. “You were tested on by Zepheda Raika. He has turned you into a demon of great destruction and worse of all; you were just fetus when he experimented on you.”
“A demon,” he said pausing for a moment. “An actual demon…”
Saiotsu trembled with fear at what the man was saying. It was as if all he knew was just deteriorating into ash and reforming into something he couldn’t imagine. He swallowed in fear; it felt as though pressure was wrapped around his neck as he continued to believe the man’s story with every passing minute.
“Saiotsu, I’m here to help you. I’m here to take you back with me so we can find a way to prevent this demon from emerging to the surface.” The man said.
“More experiment you mean!” Saiotsu shouted. “I don’t want anything else done to me. I’ve apparently been experimented enough by science. So why don’t you just leave me alone.”
“Saiotsu you must understand the consequences of you actions. What if this demon gets out and wreaks havoc upon the people you love? What if you kill thousands of innocent people who did nothing to you? Most importantly, what if you accepted this power and lose control of yourself?” The man explained.
Saiotsu paused he hadn’t even thought about what the man had said, but he was certain what ever lurked inside him, what ever power he withheld he was sure he’d be able to control it. He walked forward a few steps, stared at the man coldly and said “I told you I don’t want anymore experiments done to me.”
The man took off his hood and behind it was a man with pale blonde hair, bright blue eyes and very pale skin. He chuckled at Saiotsu’s determination and simply stared back down at him with a smile.
“What so funny old man?” Saiotsu snapped.
“You are. You think I’m giving you a choice, but I’m not.” The man replied as his arm grabbed Saiotsu’s.
“Let me go! Let me go!” Saiotsu screamed.
“Saiotsu wake up!” the same girl’s voice cried out.
“I said let go!” He continued to scream.
Before he knew it he was on the ground again gasping for breath as the man held him by the throat. Saiotsu struggled to get free, but the man was too strong for him. The man pulled a needle from the inside of his cloak with his free hand and slowly began to draw it closer to him. Saiostu tried to scream again, but the grip was too tight around his neck. The man stuck the needle in Saiotsu’s arm and liquid inside slowly drained into his body. After a few minutes Saiotsu passed out.
“Please Saiotsu…wake up.” The girl said with a crying voice.
Saiotsu awaken on his bed, he was drenched in sweat, cold with fear and sore all over his body. “What happened?” He thought to himself as he got up from his bed.
As soon as he got up he quickly fell back down, his head was throbbing with pain, the worse pain he’s ever felt in his life. Sounds of people calling his name, people crying, and devastation all around him. Was this another dream? Was it real? He couldn’t decide for himself to determine it. He stared out at the fires and crumbling buildings that lay in front of him. He turned to his left and saw disgruntled faces, people missing limbs and many laid dead near them. As he turned to the right a hand grabbed him and pulled him around and a girl with dark brown hair and brown eyes stared up at him crying.
“Saiotsu please stop.” She cried out. “You must stop this before anyone else gets hurt.”
Saiotsu didn’t understand what she meant, he was confused and dazed by all that was around him and this wasn’t making anymore sense to him. He heard his own voice speak to her, but he never opened his mouth.
“Kiriyu…I’m sorry” His own voice replied to the girl. “I don’t know what came over me.”
The girl reached her arms around Saiotsu and embraced him into her as she squeezed him tightly. They stood there for what seem like forever as if time was standing still just for them, but soon it was all over as the world around started to fade into the background of yet another place. This time it was a forest, bright and vibrant green appeared all around him, people he’d never seen was with him and the same girl who was with him the last time. Saiotsu couldn’t figure out what was going around him, he continued to watch what was going on.
“Hey Saiotsu, do you have any idea where we are going?” A young boy said in a mild tone.
Saiotsu just looked back at the boy and shrugged his shoulders. He guessed that he didn’t know where they were going, but he continued watching. They traveled along a long dirt path in the middle of the forest, the air was fresh and the sun was shining through the trees, it was cool and shady, but a very calming place. They continued to walk down the dirt trail that lead to who knows where, but as they continued their way Saiotsu’s vision began to fade against the path they were going.
“Saiotsu if you can hear me…” spoke the girl’s voice faded in his ear.
Another place appeared again, this time it was him and another boy fighting with large swords. The other boy was wearing black armor along with leather jeans; he had spiky blonde hair and brown eyes. Saiotsu was wearing the same clothes, but he didn’t look like himself. His eyes were red, he had grown fangs and he was wearing a chain with three objects with symbols, he had an odd mark on his right arm which was carrying a large black sword engraved with two large spheres, one red and the other blue. The two of them were calling out odd words and fire, ice, lightning all appeared to attack the other. He didn’t understand what was going on.
“Brother you have much to learn if you’re to beat me.” The other boy shouted while dodging one of Saiotsu’s attacks.
“I will not let you continue doing what you do Xochas!” Saiotsu yelled while swinging his massive sword at the boy.
The two continued to clash their weapons back and forth until they each drew one of the objects with symbols on it.
“Anietsu-nai Explosion!” They both screamed.
Two massive flames manifested from the symbolic objects and they collided with one another causing a catastrophic explosion. Smoke covered Saiotsu’s vision and you could hear the clashing of their swords once again, as the smoke cleared the vision of the two fighting evaporated.
“Please open your eyes…” cried the girl’s voice continued fading into his ears.
Saiotsu was now back at the forest from before and this time they were at the edge of a cliff. He saw himself looking out into the distance as the others did the same.
“Which is the best route?” said a slightly large black male.
“I believe it would be north from here.” Spoke an odd looking girl with cat ears and a tail.
“Well then I guess we’ll just have jump down this cliff if we’re going to go north now won’t we?” Replied Saiotsu as he began to back up away from the edge of the cliff.
“Don’t be ridiculous Sai,” said a boy with light brown hair and green eyes. “You’ll get hurt if you do that.”
“Eh, you never know until you try!” Saiotsu said running to the edge of the cliff.
Saiotsu could feel his body jumping into the air as his other self jumped, he could feel the wind flowing down with his fall, he could feel his heartbeat beginning to race as he realized what he’d done, and before he knew it he felt a massive pain in his head as he saw drips of blood fall down his face. He tried to stand up, but as he tried to stand he dropped right back down and everything was starting to grow blurry. He began feeling weak due to the large amount of blood he was losing and then everything became black once again.
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