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i can't move to canada cause I can't get a loan for it.

i don't know what my plan for the future is, except that I am thoroughly unhappy living the way I am and I would like to fix that.


what I have done: applied for a community college here.


I don't want to talk about things I need or want to get done in the future, because doing things is hard and making lists of tons of things I need to do makes me sad and scared and overwhelmed.

right now I've applied for college. this is good, I think. i'm waiting for my acceptance letter. i can't find a major there i want to stick with so i think I'll just settle with liberal arts.


i do not have any irl friends i talk to or see on a regular basis. i have one person i still actively keep in touch with but not very often and it does not count as a life.

i have gone 8 months without being around anyone but my mom and my sister in the last 2 years. gotten a tiny bit better since about mid april, but is still not good. the last time i saw someone was 3 weeks ago, i'm seeing people tomorrow, i have no plans after that. i don't dress or shower on a regular basis, i don't clean or do housework, i don't have a job, and could probably have one if i wasn't too scared of moving back into the real world.

i dropped out of high school 2 years ago and got my ged a few months ago, if anyone's confused.

in school i was miserable. hated the people, hated the classes, hated having to get up to be miserable every day, hated having to keep up with classes that taught me nothing I didn't already know. I was really, really depressed and constantly thinking about suicide. switched to online classes which turned out to be useless. my school counselors and dean whom I met with all the time and expressed my dissatisfaction with school never offered any alternative options to me and online was all i had found. this is WITH our school system having a charter school for kids having problems in normal school and I was meeting requirements to go there. so yeah.

i have panic attacks and lots of random a** irrational fears i never had before. i have poor body image and struggle with eating normally. i'm overly fatigued even though i sleep enough. nighttimes i get really lonely and miserable and depressed.

i'm scared of going back to the real world even though i'm so miserable as i am. all my classmates are talking about college and dorms and classes and i'm hiding in my bedroom because i'm scared of the outside world. ._.



but I'm going to try and get okay. I am really ******** scared. I don't really know how to do it. I'm going to try and I'm going to stop hiding and it's going to be okay. I think. ._.

Well nymphie we are both EN_P's, I just have the emo gene I get from being F and not T. XD



so yeah. some shitty s**t happened this weekend that I don't want to get into but I got like super emo and then un emo and then had friend drama that took a lot out of me because I'm not comfortable enough with the few friends I have to have DRAMA with them. D:


Waiting for my community college acceptance letter ;-;
classes start sometime early November.

I know the way I've been living my life and looking at things and feeling about myself is REALLY horrible and destructive and just not going to get me anywhere. So I'm trying a little bit to make little changes, but there's so much I've been doing wrong and so much to change I don't know when to make a big change and when to make a little one because there need to be changes everywhere.

Apparently, and this is from like multiple people, I need a hobby that isn't stuff on the internet and reading. I don't have money for most things so I've been trying to do things I like to do that I have supplies and such for irl. So lots of pen and ink sketches and paper cranes and there's a drawing on my computer I've been really proud of.

It's all these little tiny steps that make me feel like I'm not getting anywhere because I cant make a ton of big ones and I don't know what big changes to make except to go to school. but I've been not sleeping and being artsy which are two of my most favorite things.

and I'm trying to be less scared of everything. and look at them from a different perspective. but I don't know how to do that a lot of the time and I feel like people think I'm pushing them away and just being uncooporative when I poke tons of holes in the things they say that make my life sound less shitty. Is just that it's easier to believe the good things if I try to poke holes in things and fail.

I am really, really grateful for the people online who I've been emoing to who've been exceptionally and wonderfully patient. I'm sorry I'm not being witty and clever but instead a HUGE SAD SACK.


it's not like I'm turning everything around and now I really feel like things are okay. like this is the very, very beginning of anything happening to make me feel any better. the biggest thing is that I don't know HOW to feel better and I don't know WHAT to do, so I'm just trying a lot of different things and seeing what works. And it's nice to see the things that are working. A little bit.

like a lot of things I've been reading talk about how hard it is to start because it's like pushing a car in that you push and you push and you push and there's nothing and then every so slightly you feel a little bit of movement and then it's rolling and you're good? I'm like someone who doesn't know what a car is, I just know I need to get this big thing to do something, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to go about moving the car and really don't know what I'm doing at all.


so things that I like doing are not sleeping and sketching/paper folding and the one piece of art I'm working on. I think the sketching and paper folding are good because they're quick things that I don't have time to forget about or set down to finish later, and the one big piece of art online is good because it's one thing and I know where to find it and I just keep working at it. if I get stuck or tired of it I just save it and come back some other time. and I don't forget cause I really like it <3

The first step in solving a problem is finding it. When it comes to a self being, the first step also involves acknowledging it, and that's a HUGE first step to take.

And now, the next step is: if you want to become your old self again, you should start by doing what your old self did, and from what you said here, your old self doesn't sound like it wouldn be scared at all to try and go back even if you failed once or twice.

You can get the courage to do so just by thinking how strongly you want to accomplish something, and even if it's difficult, you can always try again.
And if you can't, you will always be able to find someone who can give you support.

TL; DR:
Just have a little more faith in yourself, k? C:

Also, Imma go all "neuro-linguistic programming" on you here:


I'll fix it up and make it sound better.


Better? IMO, it is.

I could sit here and tell you ALL about my personal struggles with what you're going through. But the story was just too long and personal, and you'd probably take what I was trying to tell you all wrong, and other people might be all "you're an a** for saying that Buzz". But honestly, I have gone through the whole wanting to change yourself, and I have accomplished it. I was NOTHING like this person I am today, a couple years ago. So yeah, it can be done, you just have to figure out what to do. 3nodding

Then, you are different from what most people are. To someone like me (or most people I've known for that matter) saying I *will* do it means I *will*, and I'm only affecting myself, because if it's a personal change, the only one I let down if I don't get over it is myself. So I take huge steps at a time, and fall more easily, but I don't care.
I am the kind of person who does things out of pride, so probablymaybe whatever I say won't be of any use.

But still, those small steps count, the problem is if you don't even take them. :3
A start is a start.

But if you need it, you should take some time to think things over before acting, or...well, you'll need it later.

(my English is being so crappy today that I'm becoming really redundant >>)

2 part journal entry!

part one - ur advais

I am vry happy to get people actually giving a s**t that I am crazy and dysfunctional.

I'm sorry if I don't respond well to extremely well intended posts, I think it's really important for me to figure out the bulk of how to fix my situation completely on my own, so advice that's more than tips/tricks I'm likely to feel threatened by. Which I shouldn't. But not all advice is good for me and I'm pretty good at knowing what advice I shouldn't take. (I'm pretty horrible at knowing what advice I should take)



part 2- personality stuffs!

so nymphie linked personality stuff in the skype chat last night and I am an ENFP like I always have been.

And I have like 3 big, glaring weaknesses that I've never had any idea how to fix so I just haven't, and I think since they're all pretty HUGE they're really good things to start trying to work on and improve on.

1. I have trouble finishing things I start.

This is so true. Big and structured things that involve more people than just me and especially more people in control spots I have less problems with, but almost everything for fun that's not quick and easy that I start I don't/have difficulty finishing.

This is apparently because I do things for the experience, and then the experience has been had and it's boring so I get bored and stop. What I would be wise to try is to start a task for the purpose of FINISHING IT. I'll still get the experience, but if I from the start am excited about getting it done and having it be awesome then, I'll be more likely to want to follow it through, and the point will be to follow it through. Maybe this is obvious to most people, but it is completely a novel idea to me. I will try to apply this to major things I haven't been able to finish and things I start in the future.

2. I take criticism personally.

I feel like I need to elaborate a bit on this. When I'm in a 'professional situation' like running the guild or a game or working on things or whatever, stuff like that, my opinions are completely detached from being on a personal level. I'm much more objective. When I know opinions are on the functionality of what is being worked on, I can take and give criticism objectively don't mean it or take it personally.

When I'm not in a professional situation, so with friends or in a relationship, I take things WAY too personally. I get really upset over things that aren't meant meanly. I have a really, really hard time detaching them from personal attacks.

I'ma try thinking about what they're saying BEFORE reacting to them. Because they are probably right about me not doing something perfectly, and realizing where they are coming from is an important step. Being objective is really important when I'm being criticized.


3. I blame a lot of problems with my life and how things are on other people.

I HATE how this one sounds. I hate victims and people who think they are victims and I feel like so do other people so making it clear that this is something I do makes me feel disgusting. It's hard for me to see the rational reasons behind being this way because I find it so inexcusably negative.

But I do it a lot as an automatic reaction, and since I never make official judgments about things it's really hard for me to sort through why it's rational and irrational to think this way.

So I don't apply judgment to anything if I can help it, but then things aren't working out or something bad is going on with me and I try and find a why and understand why it's happening, but I can't sort through the information because it's all just floating undecided thoughts about things, so I make concrete decisions about some things in a rushed way to defend myself against the problem, and the decisions I make when I feel like things suck and I can't figure out why are JUST used as a defense, they're not actually good decisions. And when all I do is defend myself against my problems, it makes me think the problems are attacking me and there's nothing I can do, thus falling into the victim mindset.

A really important thing for me to do here is to make decisions about things! Judging how I feel about something isn't unfair, it's the only way to really come to a full understanding about something, which is what I strive to do with EVERYTHING. All these hanging thoughts can be decided on based on how I feel about them, and then when I go to interpret why things went wrong I can look at conclusive thoughts and actually figure out what to do with them.

So I need to let myself pass judgement sometimes, on the things I think. All judgement isn't BAD, it's really helpful.



that was fun! I really think now that I'm trying to fix those things I'm going to actually make a lot of progress with being so screwed up about things. I mean, those three things are things I HATE about myself and would LOVE to be better at, so getting better at them should make me feel a lot better! :3

I can plan an event and stick around til it starts and then that's when it gets boring because I'm bad with big groups of people and planning is often more fun. xD