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 Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:28 pm
Well, here's somthing else. A bit depressing (okay maybe more then a bit! sweatdrop ) Anyway I wrote it just a few minutes ago so I don't expect you to say it's great but just tell me what you think.
By the way, if the spelling is horrible please blame my lack of spell check! (And I'm too lazy to get a dictionary so xp )
Anyway, I'll say this again it is somewhat depressing so if you're not in the mood for that kind of poem (it's definitly a poem this time) the perhaps you shouldn't read this.
Bon, without further a due, (I hope you haven't left yet!!!)
Souless Blue
Defined by monochromatic rooms and metal shards
Dead but not dying
Living but not alive
All that's needed is
A smile right here and a loud laugh now
Funny thing is
It's just an empty blue-eyed mask
No one's bothered looking to see
Is that why it's so easy
To pretend everything's all right?
Or maybe it's that people don't look past first impressions
An impressions that's so easy to create
Define by tears that haven't fallen and dark shadows that don't allow dreams
Sometime, sometimes everything, everything
Seems easier to let go (It seems easier to let go)
A little more each day
It wonders, looking on
What'll happen when the soulless blue puppet is gone?
So how was that? Perhaps not as depressing as I made it seem but(who knows?) I can't say anything I'm not really a good juge my own writing so if you can comment, I'd appreciate!
As for the title not sure if it was the right one I just came up with it five minutes ago so if you have something better don't be afraid to say it !
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Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 11:54 am
As far as spelling goes, the only typos I caught were "dieing" instead of dying, and "alright," which is two words (all right!) Next time you type and have spelling questions, you can paste the words into spellcheck.net. Its a pretty good spelling checker. Oh, on grammar, I don't think you need the question mark in the first stanza. And blue-eyed may need a hyphen. Oh, you can drop the "and"s at the beginning of lines.
I have a little trouble following a couple of the images. Good first draft though.
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:04 am
androidprincesst: Thanks for the website and the catching my errors it's a pain when there's no spellcheck! As for t being confusing well... it's just my first draft the final copy will be better I would hope. I just need to really it through.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 11:09 am
I liked it...sometimes the first draft is the best...it catches all of your first impressions...to me poetry isn't necesarily about redoing and redoing and redoing, but getting the emotion you are putting out there...ausome.
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Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 5:09 pm
JadedLaine I liked it...sometimes the first draft is the best...it catches all of your first impressions...to me poetry isn't necesarily about redoing and redoing and redoing, but getting the emotion you are putting out there...ausome. I agree. Sometimes it's good to re-do some poems, or just a few lines, but I know poets who work on one for years, and by the end it ends up like a completely different poem.
I like it, especially the line "Define by tears that haven't fallen and dark shadows that don't allow dreams" and the line "Defined by monochromatic rooms and metal shards". I think maybe you should experiment with the second and third lines. Just because to be living is to be alive, but if you're dying you're alive but about to be dead. Maybe just say; "dead, but never died" or "dead but always dying" or something along those lines.
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Posted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 12:32 pm
I like it, It made A LOT of sense to me. Just keep fine-tuning it and I think it'll be that more amazing.GREAT JOB!
<3
Kay
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