Hey-that's not to bad for three minutes....I spent over a day on a poem once that was only a page long and I'm still editing it.
I think the mood may stregthen perhaps if the lay-out is alter a little....more visual appeal I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Quote:
I played the song of death that day
Watch
ed him suffer
as he
said "Spare my life,
or you'll regret
Treating me
as your pet."
I laughed in his face as I played
The demonic song
On the ocarina of bone
He died slowly as he laid
His voice
His tone
All were drenched in blood and pain.
I'm no english or poetry expert either....those I just my suggestions.
btw-sorry its taking so long with the proof read of your story.... >.<'
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