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 Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 7:19 am
Hello. Again. Is it just me, or do I need help way too often?
But, anyway, I've just finished chapter three in one of my novels (I didn't want to have to choose between them), 'When Life Ends', and it just involved my first death scene. Yeah. It wasn't fun, but I tried to make it all quick and sudden. Especially since it was the main character who died ;-;. But without him dying, the story would have no plot line, because you have to be dead to go into the afterlife (obviously) and that's where my story is set. Aw, I feel sorry for him. His life is pretty rubbish, and then he dies when he's thirteen. Poor guy.
But, anyway, I've never done a death scene before, so I'd like to know how I did. So, here is an extract. And I'll be very careful not to include too much of this one, because I've given away loads of 'One Star' already (oops).
By the way, this about Jack, and he's homeless. Just because that might explain a few things.Quote: “Then why are you hiding?” said Jack, hoping he sounded braver than he felt. “Why, my dear boy, I’m not!” the voice said, and a shady figure stepped out of the darkness. It was a man. The first thing Jack noticed was that he was very tall and thin, but not skeletal like Jack. He was more than skin and bone, Jack realised, and was heavily muscular. He had a shaven head, and his eyes were black, black, as black as the night. Jack was rattled; he could not see the stranger’s pupils, and a person’s eyes were always played a key role in finding a person’s nature, or weakness, and he felt insecure not knowing what lied in the man’s eyes. The man wore a midnight black suit, skilfully tailored and perfectly fitted. He had a blood red tie, which was heavily embroidered with golden thread. If Jack didn’t know better, he would have thought that the man was a rich, fussy man with plenty of money, but Jack did know better. He thought the man was a skilful thief, good with words and good with threats. And guns. For the man had just revealed a polished gun from inside his suit. Jack wanted to scream, but his voice was lost to him. The man smirked, obviously enjoying Jack’s fear. Jack could not see anything but the weapon in the stranger’s hands; he was frozen in terror, and knew he had nowhere to run. The man pulled the trigger; Jack braced himself, but the bullet did not come to him. The weapon was pointing toward Jack’s feet. Jack looked down, and was horrified to see a cat, a ginger tabby, lying motionless on the floor, with blood gushing out of its head. Jack squeaked feebly, but did not move away in fear he would be next. The cat’s blood was pouring over Jack’s bare feet; Jack felt ill. The man smirked at Jack, and pointed towards his heart. Jack tensed, hoping the bullet wouldn’t come. And then the gunshot sounded, Jack leaped for the river, the bullet caught soft flesh, and Jack’s dead body floated in the water.
Ah, I don't want to kill him anymore ;-;
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 10:19 am
Right, um hi again. Thanks for not commenting rolleyes . But, um, I've attempted it a second time anyway. Its longer, and better written. And much more dramatic, I think. Well, I've rewritten the last sentence, which is now a paragraph. Here it is, if anyone wants to, um, I don't know, help?Quote: And then the gunshot sounded. Jack leapt for the river in desperation, as fear took control over his body. And suddenly, unbearable pain. Pain. Blinding pain. Jack screamed, one last, final, scream and took one last breath- and then his limbs turned limp, his face turned pale, and his dead body floated weightlessly; like air on the river's chilling water.
And, augh, sorry Jack. Just be happy I gave you a nice, dramatic death, ok? crying
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 12:59 pm
Oh, and one more thing:
If you want to know more about Jack, which is very unlikely but still, then I've posted a little bio about him on LoneWolfSega's Character Bios thread. I put lots of stuff about Jack on it. And that's a good thread if you want to expand on your characters, or just do a bio for fun. Check it out!
And, please, I'm begging you, please critique this. I desperately need some opinions; I've never killed a character before, even if the story follows them into the afterlife. I still don't know a clue about how to write a good death scene. So please tell me what you think of this one; I really appreciate it, honestly. And Jack needs a dramatic death. I mean, he's the main character! His death must be amazing... sorry, ignore my pointless rambling, please just help me.
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 2:06 pm
Sorry dearie, I didn't see this thread until today. I will highlight and number what I think needs to be worked on, technically. =)Vaporae “Then why are you hiding?” said Jack, hoping he sounded braver than he felt. “Why, my dear boy, I’m not!” the voice said, and a shady (1) figure stepped out of the darkness. It was a man. The first thing Jack noticed was that he was very tall and thin, but not skeletal like Jack. He was more than skin and bone, Jack realized, and was heavily muscular. He had a shaven head, and his eyes were black, black, as black (2) as the night. Jack was rattled; he could not see the stranger’s pupils, and a person’s eyes were (3) always played a key role in finding a person’s nature, or weakness, and he (4) felt insecure not knowing what lied in the man’s eyes. The man wore a midnight black suit, skilfully tailored and perfectly fitted. He had a blood red tie, which was heavily embroidered with golden thread. If Jack didn’t know better, he (5) would have thought that the man was a rich, fussy man with plenty of money, but Jack did know better. (6) He thought the man was a skillful thief, good with words and good with threats. And guns.
For the man had just revealed a polished gun from inside his suit. (7)Jack wanted to scream, but his voice was lost to him. The man smirked, obviously enjoying Jack’s fear. Jack could not see anything but the weapon in the stranger’s hands; he was frozen in terror, and knew he had nowhere to run. The man pulled the trigger; Jack (8.) braced himself, but the bullet did not come to him. The weapon was pointing toward Jack’s feet. Jack looked down, and was horrified to see a cat, a ginger tabby, lying motionless on the floor, with blood gushing out of its head. Jack squeaked feebly, but did not move away in fear he would be next. The cat’s blood was pouring over Jack’s bare feet; Jack felt ill. The man smirked at Jack, and pointed towards his heart. Jack tensed, hoping the bullet wouldn’t come. And then the gunshot sounded. Jack leapt for the river in desperation, as (9) fear took control over his body. And suddenly, unbearable pain. Pain. (10) Blinding pain. Jack screamed, one last, final, scream and took one last breath--and then his limbs turned limp, his face turned pale, and his dead body floated weightlessly; like air on the river's chilling water. (11)
The words highlighted in green were misspelled. Simple and easy to fix. =)
The things I highlighted in red and numbered were sentence structure suggestions. I am by no means the biggest expert on this, but having improved vastly (in my opinion) over the course of my novel I feel I can at least point you in the right direction:
You might consider separating this into two sentences to make it more dramatic.
This does not flow very well. Consider just saying something like, "his eyes were as black as the blackest night." generally repeating words multiple times in a sentence is awkward to read.
Get rid of that word. You don't need it there.
Right here it begins to look like a run-on sentence. Chop it up. You also don't need that comma between nature and or. What I suggest is something like, "...nature or weakness. He felt insecure..."
You don't need that comma there either. if you are ever unsure, jut read it out loud. Commas are pauses in your speech, so if you would not pause at that part of the sentence then you don't need one there.
Again with the sounding like a run-on sentence thing. Try chopping that one up too: "...rich, fussy man with plenty of money. But Jack did know better."
This is a simple stylistic disagreement, so feel free to slap me for it. I feel like it would be so much better here if you kept with the same kind of phrasing you were using immediately before. Also, try replacing "revealed" with something different. Try:
"He thought the man was a skillful thief, good with words and good with threats.
And good with guns.
For the man had just removed a polished gun from the inside of his suit."
This works better as two sentences.
Again, no comma is needed here.
Instead of this comma, I'd use the words "there was." It helps to not break up the action. Remove the second "Pain." You don't need it. In the end it would read something like this. "And suddenly there was pain. Blinding pain." If you really want to make it more dramatic, consider italicizing "blinding."
You don't need last and final back to back in a sentence. They're synonyms, so it's like you're saying "Jack screamed one last last scream." It doesn't make sense. Consider using one or the other, not both. Also, this sentence is huge, and I would chop it up into two. Short sentences can potentially achieve the same amount of--or more--drama than the longer ones. I would actually reword it: "Jack screamed his final scream, and as he gulped in his last breath his arms went limp and his face turned pale. And his dead body floated weightlessly, like air on the river's chilling surface."
By all means, if I have overstepped your creative boundaries feel free to slap me, but I wanted to give you a few suggestions as to how to really step up the drama in this scene. Because it's there, and it deserves to be heard! heart
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:32 am
Oh, thank you so much whee ! I have a slight comma problem... I use them all the time, even when I shouldn't do. And a repeating word problem. I always seem to repeat words... but I've edited it now, with a few changes of my own, and it flows much better. Thank you so much heart ! What would I do without this guild xd ? Ah, but honestly, thanks so much!
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:44 am
sorry for not noticing this thread sooner i've been rather busy but i thought the edited version was very good and the suggestions that alanora made was very good and i can't top that but maybe when he's shot you could add "jack felt the cold feeling of death grasped him in his bony hands as the life ebbed from his body" hoped that helped though honestly i dont really think it needs much editing ^^
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:07 pm
Vaporeae Oh, thank you so much whee ! I have a slight comma problem... I use them all the time, even when I shouldn't do. And a repeating word problem. I always seem to repeat words... but I've edited it now, with a few changes of my own, and it flows much better. Thank you so much heart ! What would I do without this guild xd ? Ah, but honestly, thanks so much!
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:53 am
Vaporeae I have a slight comma problem... I use them all the time, even when I shouldn't do. And a repeating word problem. I always seem to repeat words... but I've edited it now, with a few changes of my own, and it flows much better. You know, I had the same problem too and I'm not exactly sure if I still have it sometimes. Sorry I couldn't come back to the guild before but I'm glad someone was able to help you out. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:53 pm
Alanora; Oh, thank you! I'll do that. Thanks so much ^-^ !
Hypno; You did? How did you fix it? And it's alright. Not everyone has the time to check on here everyday. I do, because I'm bored stiff until school starts again ^-^;; .
Sega (if I may call you that); It doesn't matter, everyone has a life. And thanks ^-^ . I might do something like that. I'll try it out.
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:35 pm
Vaporeae Alanora; Oh, thank you! I'll do that. Thanks so much ^-^ !
Hypno; You did? How did you fix it? And it's alright. Not everyone has the time to check on here everyday. I do, because I'm bored stiff until school starts again ^-^;; .
Sega (if I may call you that); It doesn't matter, everyone has a life. And thanks ^-^ . I might do something like that. I'll try it out. cool i used that in some story can't remember which one lol and sega's fine as a name lol
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