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 Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:08 pm
   Okay. You can win baby number one. That's baby number 1 folks.
I want a joke. Make me laugh and you win.
Contest Ends when I laugh or Wed. 26th.
POST all jokes here.
-----And we have a winner.
It didn't make me LAUGH (although I admit it made me sneer and grin) out loud but it is Wednesday, the contest is over and this is my favourite.Winner A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says tithe secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.' The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!' 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer. Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' 'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. ' 'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this b***h giving you a hard time?
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Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 10:32 pm
{ I Told Ya, I Was Trouble. . . }  They say celebrities die in threes.
Ferah Faucet, Michael Jackson and Ed McMann.
Leave it to Billy to throw in the 4th for free.
That's my joke.
{ . . .You Know That I'm No Good }
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 12:39 am
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A megaSAURass.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapuss.
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 12:25 pm
{ I Told Ya, I Was Trouble. . . } What did one Lesbian Vampire say to the othe3r Lesbian Vampire?
See you next month.
{ . . .You Know That I'm No Good }
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 2:34 pm
 You said "Do it". You mean right here and now, in public?  Sadly, I wasn't prepared for this arrangement.
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Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 5:01 pm
Not sure how many we're allowed to have. So I hope three's okay? o.o
Two condoms walk by a gay bar.
One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, wanna go get shitfaced?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A duck walks into a bar, and flies up to a bar stool. The bartender
takes out a glass, turns to him and asks, "What can I get you?"
The duck promptly asks, "Got any grrrrrrapes?"
The bartender shakes his head and replies, "I'm afraid not, but there's
a local market just down the street from here that sells produce."
With this, the duck leaves.
The following afternoon, the same duck walks into the bar. "So. You
got any grrrrrrrrapes?"
The bartender sighs and shakes his head. "I told you yesterday, man.
We don't sell produce. Go down the street and you'll find some. Now you
can order something we have got, or you can leave."
Disappointed, the duck leaves.
The next afternoon, however, in marches the duck. "Got any grrrrrrrapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, slams a glass on the bar in front of the duck,
and goes out back. Patiently, the duck waits. After a few minutes, back
comes the bartender, a hammer in his hand. "If you come into my bar
one more time, I swear to God that I'll nail your pretty little beak onto the
table."
The duck scrambles out of the bar.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again with a smug grin on his face.
"Got any nails?"
The bartender, confused, raises a brow and shakes his head. "... No?"
Smiling, the duck replies, "Well then. You got any grrrrrrrrapes?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What men would do if they had a v****a for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:10 am
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "******** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 9:44 pm
can you do more then one joke? if not..then ignore this.
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says
tithe secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.' The astonished
woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What
did you say?'
'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'
'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
in this church.'
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study
to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does
not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and
the pastor asks the old geezer. Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'
'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid
of some of this damn money. '
'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this b***h giving you a hard
time?
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Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:25 pm
  Well, I don't really have any jokes, so I had to ask my son.
So, this gentlemen from Japan, moves to America. He learns three phrases. The first one, "very very fresh". The second, "yes". And the third, "if you don't someone else will".
This man start a fish shop. One day a customer comes in the shop. The customer asks the man, "How fresh are these fish?" The man replies, "very very fresh". So, then the customer asked the man, "are you sure?", the man replies, "yes". So, the customer thinks about it and asked "Do you think I should buy this fish?" The man states, "if you don't someone else will!!"
A few weeks later, the man opens the store. Soon a robber comes in. The robber tells the man "PUT YOUR HANDS UP!!" The man says "very very fresh!!" The robber then asks the man "ARE YOU STUPID!" The man replies "yes!" Then the robber getting a little frustrated asks the man "Should I kill you?" So, the man replies, "if you don't someone else will!!"
I thought that was cute coming from a eight year old that thinks he is the next big comedian. heart
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Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:19 am
And we have a winner.
It didn't make me LAUGH (although I admit it made me sneer and grin) out loud but it is Wednesday, the contest is over and this is my favourite.Winner A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says tithe secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.' The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?' 'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!' 'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.' The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer. Sir, what seems to be the problem here?' 'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. ' 'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this b***h giving you a hard time?
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