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Nameless Poem

Heatless1ne

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Posted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:19 pm

I do not know the kind of poem this would fall under so sorry that i can't give that info... I am a real beginner when it comes to finding were it belongs, though i am not a beginner at writing them.... please give your opinion and any and all constructive criticism, as well as help for a name please and thank you.

Fly away to some distant land,
would you join me?

If I knew the things you do,
would have brought a happiness I never have known.

I would have brought my full self,
showing exactly who I am.

Climb this mountain and let’s reach our goals,
finding ourselves more in control.

My friends are close,
my soul is afloat.

I still search for something more,
though all I want is to know peoples feelings.

My friends have helped me,
More than they know.

I would be lost;
I owe them more than even I know.

Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:29 pm

Well, a few things I see right away as a grammar nazi...

In the second stanza, you might want to reword it to:

"To know the things you do,
would bring a happiness I have never known."

Then in the sentence, "my soul is a float", it should be "afloat", no space.

Why is the word feelings capitalized?

Then "My friends have helped my", should be "helped me".

As for a title, you might consider "Friends". Short, simple and to the point.

Hope this helped. I know there aren't too many members online recently.

Shanra the Dragon Bard
Vice Captain

Devout Worshipper

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Heatless1ne

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Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 8:41 pm

will you call my name
and save my soul?

OK ^^ ... everything other than the title has been edited... cause i really would like a bunch of idea's and then put them together ^^.... and the second stanza was written wrong on my part... i typed something that wasn't on my paper so that has been edited as well ^^

or do i have to fight.........
were fighting is pointless?

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