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Trtltot

Demonic Kitten

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:26 pm


{intro}
the following is just the intro of a book im working on, but i loved to know if just by the introduction, would you want to countinue reading?

{what you're here for}

Hadalyn Roz

-Introduction-

Hadalyn Roz started as a fan-fic for a friend, when before I new it, I alreasy had five chapters done; I just couldn't stop
writing!
Hadalyn Roz is based off of Vampire Knight by Matsuri Hino. I have the two intertwine together from the beginning. When
Matsuri-sensei's comes to an end, my will continue on.
Matsuri Hino's books inspired me, so I hope Hadalyn Roz does Vampire Knight justice.
Now then, Hadalyn Roz is told in second person with the reader as Hadalyn Roz herself, so this story is more female friendly. Well,
without furthwwe adue, let me introduce you to yourself.

You
name: Hadalyn Grant Roz
nickname: Grant
height: 5'4''
weight: 102 pounds
eye color: midnight blue
hair color: black with a purple tint
hair style: a pin-straight thickness that reaches mid-thigh
age: 15,000 [15]
birthday: January 16
culture: pureblood Janpanese vampire
likes: archery, fencing, sleeping, moon flowers, fast cars,
chocolate, and tongue peircings
dislikes: people who try to harm those you care about... otherwise you're pretty tolerant
favorite color: any shade of purple
personality: you're blunt, athletic (is that a personality trait?),
trigger happy, a bad-good girl
power: DArk Nature- you can control anything (and I mean ANYTHING)
main weapon: Black Dawn Gun
sub-weapons: you have two different sets of knives-
Killing Stars
Dreamer Pices
Empress Taurus
Wild Child Gemini
Protector Cancer
Queen Leo
Diva Virgo
Enchantress Libra
Warrior Scorpio
Adventure Girl Saggitarius
Princess Cappricorn
Bewitcher Aquaries
Wicked Junnishi
Rabid Dog
Mother Hen
Hyper Lemur
Stubborn Ram
Angry Mare
Hungry Andaconda
Shovanistic Pig
Infected Rodent
Mad Cow Disease
Hunting Tiger
Vampire Bunny
Fire Breathing Dragon
Pissed Off Kitten
speakable languages: you can speak Japanese, English, German, French, and Russian fluently
family: Haeda Tiodome-Roz [mom]
Haelyn Tiodome [Gramma Lyn]
Hatsuharu Roz [Haru}
Kirimi Roz [Creamy}
Kito Roz [Kit]
Kyomatsu Roz [Kyo]
Marcus Bleckenstein [Grandfather Marcus]
Obsidian [Glass (pet)]
Sasuke Roz [Saki]
Satoshi Roz [dad]
Sosuke Roz [Sozu]
current car: black hummer
History lesson: Haelyn Tiodome and Marcus Bleckenstein are the grandparents of Hadalyn Roz, that's you. Haelyn is a pureblood vampire while Marcus is the only child of an unknown and long dead pureblood and his human lover.
Haeda, your mother, is their only child. When she first met your father, Satoshi, she was instanly in love with him. After a
few decades of getting to know each other, Satoshi finally returned her feelings.
Soon after Getting married, Haeda became pregnant Hatsuharu, your oldest brother. After Haru, Saki, Kit, Sozu, you, Kyo, and Creamy were all born. When you appeared old enough in you and your siblings appeared old enough in human years, Heada inrolled you into a human school that prided itself in hunting vampire: Wolves Reigh Academy.
Once the seven of you graduated, you all began moving from school to school. Now you find yourself in the looming shadow of Cross
Academy...

Well I hope ypu enjoy the book! M//w//M
<3 The Authur,
Cotton Candy Halo
PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 8:28 am


Sounds like it's got potential smile
though i'm not 100% sure how this works for an introduction, as it might be a little long for a casual reader - it seemes set out a bit more like a roleplay.

yet again 'show not tell' would be my advice, just to condense this a little - there's no way that a reader could memorise all of this information. but a syou go along you can always tell them who their grandparensta re etc by how they interact together or simply by saying soemthing (maybe a little too obvious) like 'hello grandpa'.
Just something to think about - it's your story of course, but i do try to be honest when I giev opinions *shrugs*

i'm intrigued to see what the fic is like though - 2nd person storytelling is a barve and interesting choice.

dragontamer363
Crew


Trtltot

Demonic Kitten

12,200 Points
  • Hellraiser 500
  • Mark Twain 100
  • The Key to Victory 50
PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 9:14 am


thank you for the advice. i'll take it into consideration.
2nd preson is out there... but when i was younger i read the "you choose the scare" goosebumps books and i've want to try 2nd person since then... minus th "you choose" part.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 6:54 am


ooh i remember thsoe - they were great smile

dragontamer363
Crew

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