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 Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 12:18 am
I feel like posting something, so I think I will post the crap I'm working on. Since this seems to be a relatively secure guild, the writing in here may never make it past this thread. It may turn into something else. But this is pure, unedited stream-of-consciousness. And you lucky fools are the first to set eyes on it.
Latest WIP:
Show Your Teeth, My Dear Girl, You Are Not The Mona Lisa
She wrote something beautiful.
I fancy myself the subject.
We had a drawn out conversation
about today's ethics and materialism.
As she turned around,
The brand-name label on her a**
Caught a glint of the streetlight.
We'd been at odds for a while now
Our sweatshop minds working overtime
Sewing words together.
She smiled sometimes.
Sideways nose and crooked teeth
Made for an awkward composition.
I suppose that's why she stopped.
__
I know this needs more. I'm just not sure my situational irony makes for a good poem. There seems to be a need for more style elements. Less narrative.
Mental Note - Chastity as a name, S.I. Jeans knees.
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:25 pm
fibonacci Latest WIP: Show Your Teeth, My Dear Girl, You Are Not The Mona Lisa <-- I'm assuming this is the title, therefore teh underline must commence! [underlines]She wrote something beautiful. I fancy myself the subject. <-- I like the fact that it's like an introduction to a story. I think you should try to connect "fancy" and "beautiful".We had a drawn out conversation <--"Drawn-out".about today's ethics and materialism. As she turned around, The brand-name label on her a** <-- I normally don't have a problem with swearing in poetry, but in this poem, it just isn't fitting. If you're going to swear in it, you need to get down-and-dirty and show the nitty gritty awful details of what's going on in this. In other words, no light and pretty imagery here. Here is where you're blunt; describe normal things in a way that depicts them as flat and two-dimensionally hard, roughened up by tough living. I have no idea as to how to word what I'm trying to say; hopefully you get the idea. If you do, then you know what I'm saying is to ditch either the pretty imagery (including the first two lines), or ditch "a**".Caught a glint of the streetlight. <-- For some reason, this line is awkward. "Glinted in the streetlight", "Caught a shine from the streetlight"... I don't know. We'd been at odds for a while now <-- Wrong tense with "we'd". "We'd" equals "We had," which when read with the remainder of the stanza, isn't right.Our sweatshop minds working overtime <-- Either the above, or change "working" to "worked," and "sewing" to "sewed".Sewing words together. She smiled sometimes. Sideways nose and crooked teeth Made for an awkward composition. I suppose that's why she stopped. <-- Why she stopped what? The ending is very unclear.
Good beginnings; keep it up.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 12:17 am
Just a few things on Kjralon's notes first:
-Poem titles go "in quotes." Book titles, underline. Not poems.
-The ending seems okay if it's referring to why she stopped smiling sometimes. If the speaker meant something else, then it's unclear.
Now, on to new territory!
The first thing that strikes me about this poem is the distance between the last stanza, the title, and the body of the poem. The title and final stanza link together well enough, but all this information in the body about her writing and conversations...if it is all meant only as a description of the Not-Mona Lisa, why these details? What makes this more important than, say, knowing that bagels are her favorite food or that she and the speaker saw a movie last night? The choices seem random - a conversation about ethics and materialism (Materialism, by the way, is not an agile word - it thumps about on that line like a clumsy cousin given a greasy set of crutches. This does somewhat assist in the image of a drawn out conversation, but not in a positive way.) just doesn't have much relevance to any given point of reference in the piece, so why mention that of all things? Just for the irony of having that conversation while she's wearing her Levi's? What purpose does it serve for the reader?
Likewise, why mention her writing (to which the speaker relates him/her self as being both subject and collaborator, which is odd) without any detail as to its content or style or meaning to either the author or recipient(s)? I'm just curious about the purpose of the choices made in this poem. Of course, if it really is just "stream of consciousness" as you claim, I suppose the nonsensical quality is to be expected. Not that that makes it a good thing, just expected.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:15 am
Not Levi's, Sevens! Arg. It was awful. I think I'm about halfway done with this poem, I need to add in the 'on second thought, maybe they do look better' something about stripes, maybe yams, maybe scarves. And show that she's a much better writer than I am.
Kjra, where else are jean labels? "Butt" is not terribly poetic either. That's the most awkward part, I think. Thanks for the crit, maybe I can take this somewhere.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 3:18 pm
fibonacci Kjra, where else are jean labels? If the location is implied, why mention it at all?
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