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 Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:00 pm
Okay, I have to get this off my chest, so I'll just let it blow up here.
I HATE myself right now. Certain events have been happening these past few days that have made me realise that I'm a faker. I cannot do -anything- for myself. I just create a dull imitation of someone elses stuff.
In my classes, I can imitate problems we've already solved, but when it comes to new things I can't do it. My guide is just a half-assed link-fest. There's nothing original about it, which brings me to my next point.
I hate myself because I can't see things through to the end. I almost compulsively give up on things, and I can't help myself. I've a whole shelf on my bookcase dedicated to RPG games which I've started and never finished. I've got endless arts and crafts projects just lying around from where I've abandoned them. I can't even bring myself to write an up-to-date ring guide for zOMG!.
As I've also stated in the secrets thread, I'm a manipulative b*****d, and I suspect/know that I'm becoming if not already am an abusive boyfriend. Oh sure, I haven't hit her, but our relationship bears the hallmarks of it. I told her as much last night and she still won't leave me.
The two main things I hate about myself though, is that I can't bring myself to change myself, and that I hate myself.
Maybe it's clinical depression, the lethargy with it is why I spend hours just mindlessly chatting on Gaia rather than finishing projects, or trying to make myself better. Can't go see someone though, I'm a poor student. The most psychiatric help I can afford is a sharp knife to make me feel better.
Yeah, I think I'll stop there...
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 5:27 pm
.........
This is unusual?
Fawk. Much o' that is true about myself. Or.... So I think. I'm still trying to decide how much of it's true, and how much of it's all in my head.
Still have to finish my wooden sandals, and pain the buster sword....
Haven't even gotten around to making my guide. In my hesitation some idiot made a crappy one with the exact same purpose of the one I was going to make.
I feel as though I'm a horrible person to Tabi. In such an odd way that I'm confused by it, but.... Still.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 5:44 pm
Divine_Malevolence ......... This is unusual? Fawk. Much o' that is true about myself. Or.... So I think. I'm still trying to decide how much of it's true, and how much of it's all in my head. Still have to finish my wooden sandals, and pain the buster sword.... Haven't even gotten around to making my guide. In my hesitation some idiot made a crappy one with the exact same purpose of the one I was going to make. I feel as though I'm a horrible person to Tabi. In such an odd way that I'm confused by it, but.... Still. I thought it was unusual. Mind you, the members of the z!CB have a lot in common. Still, I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who matches my description.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 6:16 pm
Valheita Divine_Malevolence ......... This is unusual? Fawk. Much o' that is true about myself. Or.... So I think. I'm still trying to decide how much of it's true, and how much of it's all in my head. Still have to finish my wooden sandals, and pain the buster sword.... Haven't even gotten around to making my guide. In my hesitation some idiot made a crappy one with the exact same purpose of the one I was going to make. I feel as though I'm a horrible person to Tabi. In such an odd way that I'm confused by it, but.... Still. I thought it was unusual. Mind you, the members of the z!CB have a lot in common. Still, I wouldn't have pegged you as someone who matches my description. *Shrug* Books'n covers'n all o' that. Still, I betcha most of that's all in your head.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 6:28 pm
If it is all in my head, I want it out D:
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:08 pm
Val, you as a scientist should know how to look at things in an objective manner and figure out whether or not they actually are true.
And as an (eventual) engineer, I'm going to tell you the thing that other scientists fail to do but that we learn to do from day one: actually fix the problems. Being a passive observer isn't enough. Once you recognize an issue, you should cease to allow it to be an issue. You can't see things through? Then set goals, and bribe yourself to meet them if you need to. Set aside a few days, or weeks or even months if necessary, to finish the things which you have left uncompleted.
If you think that you're abusive, then fix whatever behaviors are causing that.
Hating yourself because you can't change yourself is like an eternal, self-sustaining chemical reaction: it really just shouldn't happen. Change is hard to make, it's really hard, but still possible.
Proof of how hard change is: I can still identify with large chunks of your post, regardless of the fact that I recognize my failings and make attempts at rectifying them.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:22 pm
Objectively, they're true enough. There are other interpretations of my actions though. 'sides, I'm only a lowly programmer-in-training now. >.<;;
I've thought about splitting my day up so I spend a certain amount of time studying, and then a certain amount playing through my video games. My lack of willpower combined with the lethargy always seems to get in the way though.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:28 pm
First off, you're in college, right?
Your college may provide free counseling. I know mine does. I strongly suggest you check that out.
You're not the only one who doesn't finish stuff. I'm the queen of it, thank you very much. Part of the reason I decided to write a play for my graduation project was to force myself to actually complete something.
I have fan-fics and original stories that I've started and never finished. Stuff that's gotten to 50 pages in MS Word and I abandoned at the first sign of writer's block. I have a piano keyboard that I only occasionally bang away at. I, too, have games I never finished.
Remember that you're not alone. Each and every person in the world has a story/history. We're all weird and we all have problems.
If you're not used to doing big projects, start off slowly or get some help. The people here are pretty competent, you know. We can help you with a ring guide.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:47 pm
CleoSombra Remember that you're not alone. Each and every person in the world has a story/history. We're all weird and we all have problems.. Definite truth right there: - neglected by my mom after she took me and my sis at age 7 to CA for 5 years for our "education". 5 years of my life that I did not get to see my dad which resulted to a non-existant active relationship. I love him, but the relationship isn't there. My mom ditched the man she married and her own children to her best friend since 1976................... - I can't complete tasks because I have no confidence in myself... I tried joining Honors to prove everyone else I am smart, but the work load was too much. So I decided to drop out. A few days later, a few friends of mine gave me the nickname "genius" since I help them out w/ their homework (well they're a year older than me and I have the same material as they do). A former classmate walked up to me and said "Bien, if you think that you're sooooooo smart, get this: you're not. You can't do anything right and you dropped out of easy classes". I was hurt/crushed emotionallly and physically wanted to harm myself out the 2nd story window that day. - I am dissatisfied w/ myself in trying to become like everyone else. I mean, everyone else is pretty, smart, sexy,strong... god sometimes I wish I was like them so I can have a sense of worth to stay here... - I currently like guys and worry on what my family/friends/classmates will think... I was at a sleepover w/ my old time friend's really cute cousin (strong too) redface . Apparently I was in the same room as him where I manipulated the situation and planned earlier to have a conversation with him so we can "get to sleep". Well, he told me of his life, which was the opposite of what I expected for it to be... he has his share of problems, I have a share of mine. He asked the bearing question if "I was gay" since I don't have a girlfriend or ever had one. I told him "no" in a weak voice, but he believed me since "he didn't know me that well, so he'll trust me on that"... If I told him that I was, idk how he would've reacted... I constantly go on Gaia though my family wants me to stop since it's considered an addiction. I just love being here so much, a place to escape/forget all worries and reality of my life and be in a place for fantasy and art... mostly everyone here is nice and kind, they can never say anything bad about me (though I had a few instances to easily get over). I sort of feel pathetic that I trust online more than the actual people right in front of me... idk why. I communicate more, it sort of feels that a connection that binds us is Gaia... so I start to trust people here more easily than IRL since it's the differences on interests that keep people apart . I love Gaia since it's sort of more of a family that I wanted... someone to talk to on problems I have, I get a response. Communication is something I always wanted... The road for recovery in this is tough, I just need to know where to start. Also: I wish I can get hugs... it's so comforting to have arms surrounding you, like protection from everything else...
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:05 pm
CleoSombra First off, you're in college, right? Your college may provide free counseling. I know mine does. I strongly suggest you check that out. You're not the only one who doesn't finish stuff. I'm the queen of it, thank you very much. Part of the reason I decided to write a play for my graduation project was to force myself to actually complete something. I have fan-fics and original stories that I've started and never finished. Stuff that's gotten to 50 pages in MS Word and I abandoned at the first sign of writer's block. I have a piano keyboard that I only occasionally bang away at. I, too, have games I never finished. Remember that you're not alone. Each and every person in the world has a story/history. We're all weird and we all have problems. If you're not used to doing big projects, start off slowly or get some help. The people here are pretty competent, you know. We can help you with a ring guide. I don't finish stuff -compulsively- though. It's almost like I can finish things half the time. I shall see if there's free counseling, but I doubt it. My uni is pretty hardass when it comes to giving away stuff for free. And to think, I was dealing with this self-hate so well until last night.
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:59 pm
CleoSombra First off, you're in college, right? Your college may provide free counseling. I know mine does. I strongly suggest you check that out. You're not the only one who doesn't finish stuff. I'm the queen of it, thank you very much. Part of the reason I decided to write a play for my graduation project was to force myself to actually complete something. I have fan-fics and original stories that I've started and never finished. Stuff that's gotten to 50 pages in MS Word and I abandoned at the first sign of writer's block. I have a piano keyboard that I only occasionally bang away at. I, too, have games I never finished. Remember that you're not alone. Each and every person in the world has a story/history. We're all weird and we all have problems. If you're not used to doing big projects, start off slowly or get some help. The people here are pretty competent, you know. We can help you with a ring guide. ....... Guh, I do need to finish me stories. Got 'em all planned out, but I'm too lazy to do 'em. @.@
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Posted: Sun Aug 09, 2009 11:16 pm
On the topic of stories... I have one I've been mulling over.
A world with technology, but when the sun sets, magic stalks the land. In eons past, the Church enchanted the sun to prevent people using magic, but their spell has begun to fail, and those who stumble across the lost arcana have been gaining power.
The protagonist is an "Esoteric Wizard", that being one who learned to cast spells without using an incantation. Someone who can use magic by a combination of instinct and training. She reaches into the forbidden realm of Sorcery to call the Dark Saint Amon, who rules over knowledge, to find a solution to the problem, and in doing so arises the ire of the Church who begin to hunt her, as well as the curiousity of a secret coven of Wizards who have a strange connection to the Dark Saints.
But it's so cliche D:
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:26 am
Valheita On the topic of stories... I have one I've been mulling over. A world with technology, but when the sun sets, magic stalks the land. In eons past, the Church enchanted the sun to prevent people using magic, but their spell has begun to fail, and those who stumble across the lost arcana have been gaining power. The protagonist is an "Esoteric Wizard", that being one who learned to cast spells without using an incantation. Someone who can use magic by a combination of instinct and training. She reaches into the forbidden realm of Sorcery to call the Dark Saint Amon, who rules over knowledge, to find a solution to the problem, and in doing so arises the ire of the Church who begin to hunt her, as well as the curiousity of a secret coven of Wizards who have a strange connection to the Dark Saints. But it's so cliche D: Write about things you know. That way you don't hit a brick wall when you get to writer's block. Valheita I don't finish stuff -compulsively- though. It's almost like I can finish things half the time. I shall see if there's free counseling, but I doubt it. My uni is pretty hardass when it comes to giving away stuff for free. And to think, I was dealing with this self-hate so well until last night. What is it that causes you to stop projects? You find you don't have any time on your hands or you rapidly get bored of them? Or it feels like you're stuck in a rut? What happens?
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Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 5:19 pm
I would say I know that one Cleo, it's one of the fantasy worlds I retreat into from time to time.
Luckily, a childhood of fantasy books and RPGs gave me a clear distinction between fantasy and reality...
Anyway, it's a lot of things. In the case of my video games I'd say it's almost a fear of finishing them, or a fear of not having enough time (since the final dungeons always take sooo long and don't let you save - see Deep Sea Village).
Sometimes I loose interest, sometimes I can't see the next step to continue so I give up (that's why I never draw). It depends what I'm giving up on.
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Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:33 am
I honestly believe that suddenly being unable to finish most things is a hallmark of growing up. When you're younger, you more or less have unlimited time to do whatever you want. It's easier to start new things and finish older ones. Once you hit college and declare a major, you're focused on one track, and you have enough homework to majorly interfere with any miscellaneous projects you might take up in your spare time, assuming you have any. This becomes doubly true if you're taking classes and working at a job. You just don't have the uninterrupted free time anymore.
Who wants to work on a project that would take you 30 hours, as an example, if you only have a few hours of free time per day, and you have to budget that precious time between doing your homework; necessities like cooking for yourself, taking showers, and doing laundry; talking to friends once in a blue moon to make sure you don't lose them (assuming you still care enough to keep your friends, of course, which I didn't when I started running out of free time); and then, finally, miscellaneous projects or hobbies? Something you could finish in less than a week when you were a child may take you three months or longer as an adult. Who wants to spend three months' worth of valuable free time on something you don't have to do when you have so much else that you must? That's enough to kill anyone's motivation.
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