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 Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 2:21 pm
His plastic
nunchucks
dangling, flaccid,
His activity
ceased forever,
sentenced to silence
by veins slithering
like fearful snakes
far past the reach
of mortal hands.
And yet,
he waits silently,
patiently,
smiling graciously
at passers-by,
waiting once more
to release
like all proud stallions
to shake the dust
and once again
to sing.
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:17 pm
DagdaIV His plastic nunchucks <-- Numchucks, which is actually a derivation of "nunchaku", which is the actual weapon. No plastic-ism here... hard wood and chain. ...I'm a dork for knowing that. I know.dangling, flaccid, <-- "are dangling, flaccid."His activity ceased forever, <-- You have a tense problem throughout the poem. Is he dead yet? Or waiting to die? In that case, it needs to be, "His activities will cease forever,"sentenced to silence <-- Nice alliteration.by veins slithering <--This line and the next might take an interesting turn by switching "veins" and "snakes". And, it would add pretty alliteration. surprised like fearful snakes far past the reach of mortal hands. And yet, he waits silently, patiently, smiling graciously at passers-by, <-- Isn't it supposed to be "passerbys"? Or does it work if you use the hyphen? I'm not sure.waiting once more to release <-- "To release", or "to be released"?like all proud stallions <-- Comma after stallions.to shake the dust and once again to sing.
Past that, it was interesting... but how the heck does the ninja-ism fit into the whole thing? And the numchucks?
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